About a guy whose life didn't quite turn out how he wanted it to and wishes he could go back to high school and change it. He wakes up one day and is seventeen again and gets the chance to rewrite his life.

Mike O' Donnell: Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on.
[pretending to read a letter to Scarlet in divorce court]
Mike O' Donnell: When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.
[Talking to Maggie on the bleachers]
[from trailer]
Ned Freedman: What are you eating?
Mike O' Donnell: I don't even know, all I know is that I'm hungry...
[squrits Cheez-Whiz into his mouth]
Mike O' Donnell: ... *all* the time.
Stan: [Mike tries to stand up to Stan's bullying for Alex] Give me my ball back bitch.
Mike O' Donnell: You know Stan I feel sorry for you.
Stan: You don't know me.
Mike O' Donnell: Oh, but I do all too well. You're the man. Captain of the basketball team, dates the pretty girls, high school is your kingdom. But people, Stan is a bully. Why? It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick. No... no... Stan here is much more complex than that. See, according to leading psychiatrists, Stan is a bully for one of three reasons...
Mike O' Donnell: [while playing with Stan's basketball] One... underneath all that male bravado, there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. Two... like a caveman, Stan's brain is underdeveloped. Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control. And so he acts out aggressively. Three... Stan has a small wiener. Don't hurt yourself, big boy.
Alex O'Donnell: [In the school restroom] Uh... can I get a little help in here?
Mike O' Donnell: Alex? How did this? Who did this to you?
Alex O'Donnell: The basketball team.
Mike O' Donnell: But why? You're one of them, you're popular
Alex O'Donnell: Look this is kinda personal and I don't know you.
Mike O' Donnell: I'm sorry, I'm Mark Gold, your uncle Ned's kid. I just started here.
Alex O'Donnell: Oh... cool... cool. Yeah, I'd shake your hand, but it's taped to my ass.
Mike O' Donnell: I had the craziest dream. I was 17. I was back in high school. It was terrible. Mmmm. Scar.
Maggie O'Donnell: Scar? I don't see a scar. Look i know why you didn't want me to be with Stan. It's because you wanted me.
[Mike bolts straight up and falls to the floor]
Maggie O'Donnell: .
Maggie O'Donnell: Oh! You wanna play games? I can play games.
Mike O' Donnell: Nononononono...
Maggie O'Donnell: I'm a hungry lioness, and your a baby gizell
Mike O' Donnell: [Mike gets chased around the room by Maggie] MaggieMaggieMaggieMaggie... nononononononono...
Mike O' Donnell: If you only knew how inappropriate and disfunctional this is. Stop it okay.
Mike O' Donnell: Maggie, I'm not the person. I'm not the person that you think I am.
Maggie O'Donnell: You're right. You're not. You're good. You're not like the others.
Mike O' Donnell: [Starting to hyperventilate] Not like the others. I'm very, very different. So different in fact that you and I could never, never ever ever be together. Stop Maggie.
Maggie O'Donnell: Oh! Oh my god. What? What are you saying? Are you confused?
Mike O' Donnell: I'm very confused. Yes, I'm extremely confused.
Maggie O'Donnell: Oh my god, I... I... I get it now. Your hair is always perfectly quaffed and you have highlighs.
Mike O' Donnell: What are you talking about?
Maggie O'Donnell: I mean, dude your jeans are *really* tight.
Mike O' Donnell: I'm not *gay*. I'm in love, Maggie. I'm... I'm in love. I've been in love with the same girl since i was 17, Maggie.
Maggie O'Donnell: Does she go to our school?
Mike O' Donnell: ...No...
Mike O' Donnell: Do I know her?
Mike O' Donnell: ...No...
Maggie O'Donnell: Tell me her name
Mike O' Donnell: No, Maggie, No.
Maggie O'Donnell: Okay, but you tell your girlfriend to keep a close eye on you.
Mike O' Donnell: Sweet baby Jesus.
Mike O' Donnell: [after being transformed] Come on, man! Don't you ever wanna go back and do high school again?
Ned Freedman: No. I'm rich and no one has shoved my head in a toilet today!
Alex O'Donnell: [after watching Mike dance with Scarlet] Do you dance with all your friends' moms?
Mike O' Donnell: [Walking away casually] Pretty much...
Mike O' Donnell: [meets Scarlett's date] Carnations? What a douche!
Scarlett O'Donnell: Mark!
Dean: That's okay, I'm a single dad. It's totally normal for son's to feel weird with their mom's date. Stepping in their dad's shoes protecting their castle.
Scarlett O'Donnell: He's not my son.
Dean: Oh, then that's weird.
Scarlett O'Donnell: It is.
Alex O'Donnell: [introducing young mike to his mother for the first time] Hey mom this is Mark, Uncle Ned's bastard.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Wow...
Alex O'Donnell: I know someone had a kid with Uncle Ned
[shudders]
Alex O'Donnell: .
Mike O' Donnell: [the girls are mercilessly trying to seduce him] Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?
Lauren: Don't respect me.
Samantha: No! Don't respect *me*.
Jaime: You don't even have to remember my name!
Lauren: [In shock] Okay, wow.
Samantha: Yeah, that's like, *really* slutty.
Mike O'Donnell: Look, try to see things from my point of view. I'm extremely disappointed with my life!
Scarlett O'Donnell: I never asked you to marry me!
Mike O'Donnell: Yeah, but i did.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Well, you don't have to do me any favors then. We're not gonna hold each other back anymore. okay?
Mike O'Donnell: Scar...
Scarlett O'Donnell: I'll see you in court
Ned Freedman: You look like a douche.
Mike O'Donnell: I do not look like a *douche*.
Guy from School: [in background referring to Mike O'Donnell] What a douche.
Stan: [after Mike's speech about abstinence and making love, the girls put the free condoms back in the basket] I don't need this.
Stan: [grabs a bunch of condoms from the basket] Great, fine. more for me, i got enough for the whole weekend.
Mike O' Donnell: Alex, what happened at the tryouts? How did it go?
Alex O'Donnell: It was good, Mark had a great tryout he played great.
Mike O' Donnell: Yeah.
Alex O'Donnell: And so did I, I made the team!
Scarlett O'Donnell: Oh, that's great I'm so proud of you!
[hugs Alex]
Mike O' Donnell: [joins them] You looked great out there.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Oh Mark that's super inappropriate.
Ned Gold: [looks at mike's clothes] What are you wearing?
Mike O' Donnell: This is cool. This is hip. There's a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the exact same thing. What are you wearing? You're supposed to show up like a dad, you look like Clay Aiken
Ned Gold: Leave him out of this.
Ned Freedman: I think our hands just made a baby.
Principal Jane Masterson: [Meeting principal Masterson for the first time] Hello...
Ned Gold: Hi... hello.
Principal Jane Masterson: [Ned won't let go of principal Masterson's hand] uhmm... I think we're good here.
Ned Gold: I think our hands just made a baby.
Mike O' Donnell: Excuse my dad, he's not used to talking... to attractive women.
Principal Jane Masterson: Well. thank you...
Mike O' Donnell: Mark...
Principal Jane Masterson: For that flattering yet inappropriate comment.
Ned Gold: Before we get started i think you should know that mark's a bastard.
Principal Jane Masterson: Excuse me?
Ned Gold: I had him out of wedlock so I'm single... and very rich.
Janitor: [Mike is staring at his old basketball team picture] Mike O'Donell!
Mike O'Donnell: Do I know you?
Janitor: No, but I know you.
Mike O'Donnell: Oh, yeah?
Janitor: High school star, never quite lived up to your potential. Sooner or later you all come back to your old school, stand there and look at the picture of the glory days wondering "What might have been." Seems to me you guys are living in the past.
Mike O'Donnell: Well, of course I wanna live in the past. It was better there...
Janitor: I bet you wish you could do it all over again?
Mike O'Donnell: You got that right.
Ned Gold: I can't act normal.
Principal Jane Masterson: Clearly.
Ned Gold: I'm just trying to impress you. I don't come to places like this. I'm a dork. I'm the kind of person who spends $10,000 on Gandalf the Grey's quarterstaff from the Two Towers.
Principal Jane Masterson: Yes that does make you a dork. Especially since Gandalf the Grey only appears in Fellowship. He returns in Two Towers as Gandalf the White.
Ned Freedman: It's a classic transformation story. Are you now or have you ever been a Norse God, Vampire, or Time Traveling Cyborg?
Mike O' Donnell: I have know you since what, first grade? I think that maybe I would have told you!
Ned Freedman: Vampire wouldn't tell, Cyborg wouldn't know.
Mike O' Donnell: [after Alex sees his mom, Scarlett and "Mark"/Mike dancing] She's just nervous... it's creepy, right?
Alex O'Donnell: [stares at him, still weirded out] A little bit.
Mike O' Donnell: She's so old; it's like...
[stops himself and immediately walks away]
Alex O'Donnell: You dance with all your friends' moms?
Mike O' Donnell: Pretty much.
Ned Freedman: Soooo, what did we learn in school today?
Mike O' Donnell: That I'm a bad dad.
Mike O' Donnell: See you later N*eye*omi!
Naomi: It's N*ay*omi!
Mike O' Donnell: Don't care.
Mike O' Donnell: [When Ned finds young Mike in his house, and thinking its an intruder they end up fighting with light sabers] . It's me, Mike O'Donnell, your best friend.
Mike O' Donnell: [Trying to prove that It's him] . You have an undescended testicle.
Ned Freedman: Googlable.
Mike O' Donnell: You helped me cheat on a math test, but I got caught.
Ned Freedman: Public records.
Mike O' Donnell: You asked Princess Leia to Junior Prom.
Ned Freedman: Covered by the local news.
Maggie O'Donnell: You're different then the other guys!
Mike O' Donnell: [hyperventilating] Yes, yes, very very different! So different that we could never ever ever be togother!
Maggie O'Donnell: [sits down] Oh, are you confused?
Mike O' Donnell: Well... yes I am very confused right now!
Maggie O'Donnell: Oh, I get it. I should have known I mean your hair is always so sculpted and dude, your pants are really tight!
Mike O' Donnell: ...I'm not gay!
Mike O' Donnell: There's no path, Ned! There's no path. I can't do it! I just made it worse for them. My wife is happier, everyone's happier with me out of the picture, Ned. It's time to move on...
Scarlett O'Donnell: [Looks at Mark] Wow.
[Scarlett starts walking towards Mark]
Scarlett O'Donnell: Wow!
[Scarlett grabs Mark's face and starts playing with it]
Scarlett O'Donnell: You look just like my husband.
Maggie O'Donnell: Why are you dating him? He's bullying your brother
Maggie O'Donnell: Who are you, my father?
Mrs. Dell: Okay, today we will be continuing our discussion with human sexuality and us we discussed the official school policy "abstinence".
Mike O' Donnell: Now that is very sensible! I'm glad some here has there head screwed on straight! I think all of us should make a pact to abstain from sex! now who's with me? You guys come on.
[the whole class laughs]
Mike O' Donnell: Maggie?
Mike O' Donnell: Why are you burping?
Alex O'Donnell: What? I have tummy issues. Get over it!
Ned Freedman: Okay, that's not safe or sanitary. That's your can now. We'll label it like that.
Maggie O'Donnell: Oh I get it. You want to play games. Okay, I'll be the hungry lioness and you can be the baby gazelle!
Ned Freedman: I got you a little present. Don't worry about the cost.
Mike O'Donnell: [opens small box] Oh. A whistle.
Ned Freedman: Don't blow it. Play big!
Principal Jane Masterson: You can plunder my dungeon anytime.
Ned Freedman: I'll bring my longbow.
Ned Gold: [speaking Elvish] So how's your salad?
Principal Jane Masterson: [speaking Elvish] Good, the arugula is really fresh. So, how did you learn to speak Elvish?
Ned Gold: The Learning Annex.
Mike O' Donnell: If this were Afganistan, you would be pulled backwards through the streets by mountain goats with your hands cut off... just saying.
[talking to Naomi about getting Alex mom a new man in front of him]
Scarlett O'Donnell: Wait, I need to smell him...
Naomi: Mike.
Mike O'Donnell: Nyomi.
Naomi: *Nay*-omi.
Mike O'Donnell: I don't care.
Maggie O'Donnell: Why is the new guy waving at me?
Samantha: I don't know, but if he were an apple he would be a delicious.
Principal Jane Masterson: Are you peacocking?
Mike O'Donnell: [finds out that Scarlett is re-doing their yard] The divorce isn't final for another two weeks, so you have no right.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Really? I spent the last 18 years of my life listening to you whine about what you could have done without me and I have no right?
Mike O'Donnell: It's just that I put a lot of work in this yard.
Scarlett O'Donnell: Did you? Really? Like the barbecue pit? Yeah, the way I remember that is that you spent about an hour working on it and then you spent the next two days complaining about how if you had gone to college then you could have had hired someone else to do it.
Mike O'Donnell: I don't think it was a whole two days...
Scarlett O'Donnell: What about the hammock over here?
Mike O'Donnell: Yeah...
Scarlett O'Donnell: Yeah, I think you quit that one because you just decided not to try anymore.
Ned Freedman: We have to go shopping, your shirt is bedazzled.
Mike O' Donnell: Bedazzled with rhinestones!
Mike O' Donnell: Oh sweet baby Jesus!

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