A Million Ways to Die in the West Quotes
As a cowardly farmer begins to fall for the mysterious new woman in town, he must put his new-found courage to the test when her husband, a notorious gun-slinger, announces his arrival.
[from trailer]
Edward: This is my first vagina.
Ruth: You've never seen one!
Edward: No I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.
[pause while character lifts up skirt]
Edward: it's uhh it's it's that, right?
Ruth: Oh yeah, it's this, its like from here to here.
Edward: Oh.
Ruth: But this is just the outside, there's these folds.
Edward: Okay, i'm gonna close the bible now.
Edward: This is my first vagina.
Ruth: You've never seen one!
Edward: No I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.
[pause while character lifts up skirt]
Edward: it's uhh it's it's that, right?
Ruth: Oh yeah, it's this, its like from here to here.
Edward: Oh.
Ruth: But this is just the outside, there's these folds.
Edward: Okay, i'm gonna close the bible now.
Louise: You're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of the sheep in one place, all right? I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the back yard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond and one on the roof.
Albert: Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.
Albert: Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.
Anna: I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?
Albert: Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation.
Anna: Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.
Albert: I don't know...
Anna: Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.
Albert: Oh, you're very modest, I see.
Anna: I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.
Albert: Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation.
Anna: Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.
Albert: I don't know...
Anna: Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.
Albert: Oh, you're very modest, I see.
Anna: I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.
Albert: You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...
Ruth: Albert! He's dead. You did it.
Albert: Oh.
Ruth: Yeah.
Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.
Edward: Yeah, it was great!
Ruth: I thought it was really good.
Ruth: Albert! He's dead. You did it.
Albert: Oh.
Ruth: Yeah.
Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?
Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.
Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.
Edward: Yeah, it was great!
Ruth: I thought it was really good.
[Albert notices a glow from inside a building and peeks inside]
Albert: Hello?
[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]
Albert: What, uh... what's that?
Doc Brown: Nothing.
[stammers]
Doc Brown: It's a weather experiment.
Albert: Oh.
[closes the door]
Doc Brown: Great Scott!
Albert: Hello?
[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]
Albert: What, uh... what's that?
Doc Brown: Nothing.
[stammers]
Doc Brown: It's a weather experiment.
Albert: Oh.
[closes the door]
Doc Brown: Great Scott!
Albert: Hey, sorry I killed your husband.
Anna: Oh God, that was never gonna work out anyway. He was Methodist, I'm half Jewish.
Albert: Yeah... Are you? You are?
Anna: No.
Albert: Oh, thank God.
Anna: You're not really Arabic, are you?
Albert: No, no, no, no.
Anna: Oh, thank God, 'cause I was like ah
[mimics gun to her head]
Anna: , kill me.
Albert: I know, right?
Anna: Oh God, that was never gonna work out anyway. He was Methodist, I'm half Jewish.
Albert: Yeah... Are you? You are?
Anna: No.
Albert: Oh, thank God.
Anna: You're not really Arabic, are you?
Albert: No, no, no, no.
Anna: Oh, thank God, 'cause I was like ah
[mimics gun to her head]
Anna: , kill me.
Albert: I know, right?
[first lines]
Narrator: Some people are born into the wrong time and place. This was the American frontier in 1882, a hard land for hard folk. Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival. Hell, this was Miss America in 1880
[picture of a leathery middle-aged woman]
Narrator: . Holy shit. To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron. The men who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered. But some men were just big giant pussies.
[Stark comes running around the corner and falls and his face]
Narrator: Some people are born into the wrong time and place. This was the American frontier in 1882, a hard land for hard folk. Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival. Hell, this was Miss America in 1880
[picture of a leathery middle-aged woman]
Narrator: . Holy shit. To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron. The men who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered. But some men were just big giant pussies.
[Stark comes running around the corner and falls and his face]
Edward: Man, I see kids everywhere with those stock hoops lately.
Albert: I know. Me too. It's got to be bad for their brains, right?
Edward: Yeah. It stunts their attention span. I read an article in the paper.
Albert: Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day.
Edward: Yep.
Albert: I know. Me too. It's got to be bad for their brains, right?
Edward: Yeah. It stunts their attention span. I read an article in the paper.
Albert: Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day.
Edward: Yep.
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