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Sydney Bristow is an international spy recruited out of college and trained for espionage and self-defense.
Agent Jack Bristow: Any complications? Sydney: Well, I think I lost us about $900,000, depending on the exchange rate...
[to Vaughn] Sydney: We'll find each other... we'll always find each other.
[talking about Sydney] Weiss: So she gave you a drawer, huh? Vaughn: It was a gesture of convenience. Weiss: And, uh, what did you put it in? Vaughn: Why do you care? Weiss: What do you mean, why do I care? Do you know how spoiled you are? You know, a drawer! I wish I had a girlfriend to say 'Hey, do you want a drawer?' Vaughn: I'll give you a drawer at my place. Weiss: I don't want a drawer at your place.
Vaughn: [smashes Sark's face into a table] See, when I have a gun, I don't just pull the trigger. Sark: Thank you. Vaughn: [smashes Sark's face again] Where's Sloane? Sark: Not a problem; my loyalties are flexible.
Sydney: Weiss, have you seen Vaughn? Weiss: That's all I am to you - just a conduit to Vaughn. Have you ever seen Vaughn and said "Hey, where's Weiss?"
Sydney: Vaughn? Vaughn: How come you never call me Michael? Sydney: I call you Michael sometimes. [pause] Sydney: Vaughn.
Sark: Put the gun down, Agent Vaughn. Drop the gun. Vaughn: Not a chance, you drop yours. Sark: Put the gun down now. Sydney: No, Vaughn, don't! Sark: Drop it. If you love her, you will put the gun down now. [Masked figure looks at Vaughn] Sydney: Vaughn, don't! [Vaughn drops the gun]
Vaughn: [to Sydney] When you're at your absolute lowest, at your most depressed, just remember that you can always... you know. You got my number.
[Sydney and Vaughn walk into Syd's apartment, Vaughn's cell phone rings] Vaughn: Hello? Agent Eric Weiss: Hey, Kendall has something he wants to show you. Vaughn: Ah, can it wait? Agent Eric Weiss: Apparently not, he wants to Sydney too. Are you with her? Vaughn: Ah, no. I haven't seen her. Agent Eric Weiss: You're in bed with her right now, aren't you? Vaughn: Trying. Just find out what he wants.
Vaughn: [to Sydney] No, but, what you said about wanting to go to a hockey game... wanting me to be part of your life... I think I wasn't clear about something. That it would be nice to be in public with you, to actually get to look at you. Grab a pizza or go to a hockey game. I just... I wasn't clear that I would really like that, too.
Vaughn: This watch belonged to my father. It's broken now, but it used to keep perfect time. And when he gave it to me, he said you could set your heart by this watch. It stopped October 1st. The day we met. Sydney: Me too.
Vaughn: Are you romantically interested in anyone? [She looks at him weirdly] Vaughn: It could be a question. Sydney: No, I'm not. [Machine jumps to 56] Vaughn: Interesting. Sydney: Wait, ask me that again. Vaughn: No, I don't have to. We have our answer right here. That's very good. Moving on.
Sydney: [after Vaughn kisses her] Dinner's ready. Vaughn: You do have an oven you know, we can reheat.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: Syd, this guy buried you alive. Sydney: Yeah, but he cheated, he hit me with a car first!
Vaughn: You just threw your pager into the Pacific. Sydney: I know.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: My name is Marshall J. Flinkman, and I'm here to rescue you.
Sydney: You've lost weight. Agent Eric Weiss: Yeah, I stopped eating all the foods I like. I'm miserable, but I look really good.
Sydney: You didn't think about it. Not once. The possibility that Rambaldi could be right about me. Vaughn: No. I didn't. Sydney: Why not? Vaughn: Because I believe in you. Do you think I'd just throw anyone in my trunk?
[about Kendall] Agent Jack Bristow: Legally he's right, Ethically he's an ass.
[after Sydney asks if he is married] Vaughn: Wife? I don't have a wife. You thought I was married this whole time?
[Marshall is offered a job with the real CIA] Vaughn: Hi, I'm Michael Vaughn. Welcome to the CIA. Agent Marshall Flinkman: Uh, yeah I've heard that one before.
Vaughn: I'm going to say something, and it will either be obvious to you or seem presumptuous, either way I'm going to say it. This isn't working. I've been thinking about this for a while, I don't know what the hell to do. Sydney: What? Vaughn: I think you know what. Sydney: I need you to tell me. Vaughn: You need me to tell you what, that when you're on operations I can't sleep at night, that when we're in debrief I have to force myself to remember what the hell we're supposed to be reviewing when all I want to do is kiss you. Sydney: Sometimes it is hard to remember what we're supposed to be talking about. Vaughn: That's what I'm talking about, and the thing that drives me insane every day is that the people who would kill us if we were ever seen together-the Alliance, SD-6, Sloane, are the very forces that brought you into my life. What kind of a sick joke is that? Sydney: So what are you thinking, that maybe we shouldn't be working together? Vaughn: Yes, that was what I was thinking, but we're great together, and the more we work together the sooner the Alliance gets destroyed. Sydney: So, what are you suggesting? [Agent Weiss interrupts]
Weiss: Hey, you sure you don't want to talk about this? Vaughn: There's nothing to talk about. Weiss: I share my fights with you. Vaughn: No you don't. Weiss: Yeah I do. Remember when Alan pissed in the living room? Vaughn: That was your dog! Weiss: Yeah, but I was angry about it and I let you know how upset I was.
[Marshall and Carrie get married] Marshall: I love you Mrs. Flinkman. Carrie Bowman: I'm keeping my name. Marshall: Okay.
[Vaughn and Weiss watch as a sleazy bad guy leers at Sydney while she's in disguise as a prostitute] Vaughn: That son of a bitch! Weiss: Easy, come on. Vaughn: I swear I'm gonna to kill this guy. Weiss: There's no way that guy smells as good as you do. Vaughn: It's aftershave, I got a new aftershave. Weiss: Yeah, well, I'd lighten up on it a little. Vaughn: Yeah? Weiss: Oh yeah. To the point of non-use.
Sydney: Some people go miniature golfing with their parents. We go to India to look for nukes.
Sydney: You know any jokes? Because I could use one. Vaughn: This grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says... Sydney: You have a drink named Doug? Vaughn: Well, I was gonna use Phil.
Weiss: By the power invested in me by the United Church of Mammals, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: [to Jack, randomly and smugly in the middle of an intense op] Vaughn asked me to lunch.
Francie: "Dear Aunt Stephanie. Unfortunately, as my mother has informed you, the wedding is off so I am returning your kind gift of a coffee maker because, as it turns out, the man to whom I was engaged is a deceitful, two-faced, sex-crazed jackass. All my love, Francie." Sydney: It's not too harsh.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: That sound that you're- you know, that 'boom'? That's my mind blowing.
Vaughn: Even though everything's changed... some things don't... I'm not going to lose you twice.
[Weiss has just prompted Vaughn to finally ask Sydney out on a date while on a mission in Nice] Weiss: And? Vaughn: We're going to dinner. [Weiss breaks into a celebratory dance] Vaughn: I'm going to keep my comm channel open. I need you to monitor the RF frequency. Weiss: Got it. Okay, in exchange I get an eclair. Vaughn: No, I'm serious, any suspect signal and I want to know about it. Anything. Weiss: If they're small, bring at least two!
Weiss: Okay, whenever you want to have that talk... Vaughn: What talk? Weiss: About the cologne or whatever the hell you're wearing. Vaughn: I'm not wearing cologne. Weiss: Well, something's going on. No man naturally smells as good as you do right now.
Sydney: Is something wrong? Vaughn: No. I'm just getting old, I guess. Sydney: You expect me to believe that? Vaughn: I've just had a lot on my mind lately, that's all. It'll pass. Sydney: Yesterday was the day, wasn't it? The anniversary of your father's death? Vaughn: How could you remember that? Sydney: I remember what missing him does to you.
Vaughn: I hate you but I love Sydney more, thats the only reason you're not dying tonight.
Agent Jack Bristow: When I look at her, when I look at the little girl who raised herself to become one of the most extraordinary human beings and one of the finest agents I've ever had the privilege of knowing, I see only the promise of my own redemption. Turning myself in was the only way I could think of to make that clear to her, to prove that despite... my limited abilities as a father, I love her more than I could ever say.
Agent Eric Weiss: Did you ever stop to think that the reason you and Sydney work so well together is because of the feelings you have for each other? [pause] Agent Eric Weiss: How's that for spin? Vaughn: Pretty good.
Sydney: Hi. How did you find me? Vaughn: You told me a couple of months ago that when you feel the need to disappear, you go to the observatory. But the observatory was closed. And then I remembered you said the pier calms you down. But you weren't there. And you weren't at the bluffs and the palisades, either. Sydney: You didn't really go to all those places. Vaughn: Yeah, I did. And then I remembered you liked the train station, too. Normal people going to their normal jobs. Sydney: I can't believe you remember that.
[Vaughn is watching Syndey seduce an obese enemy agent] Vaughn: I'm going to kill that guy.
Francie: Okay, seriously, we are not putting chocolate chips in the pancakes. Will: I got news for you. Oh yes we are.
[Sydney and Vaughn are returning to the US from a mission in Russia] Vaughn: You know, we have operational command of this aircraft. The pilot could take us anywhere we want... Sydney: [playfully scolding] Our orders are to proceed with our extraction. If we were divert this aircraft for our personal use, we would get into a lot of trouble. Vaughn: Yes. Sydney: [disappointed] Yeah... Vaughn: Wanna have dinner with me in Paris? Sydney: [without hesitating] Absolutely. [they kiss]
Rachel Gibson: Your father is kind of scary. Sydney: Tell me about it.
Irina: I remember the first time you introduced me to Sloane. You were both working at the CIA, he came to the house for dinner. You were true friends. Jack: Yes. We shared a similar unsentimental patriotism... and a devotion to our wives. But Sloane changed and... it was Rambaldi that did it. I'm not sure what it is - he never told me - but Sloane has a personal connection to Rambaldi. Irina: I lived for years with the same obsession, to find a higher meaning in Rambaldi's work. I never understood how you managed to avoid getting caught up in it. Jack: I had something neither of you did. Irina: Sydney.
Sydney: What if whatever we're looking for isn't metal? Agent Jack Bristow: Then we're screwed. Not an unfamiliar situation.
Vaughn: Yeah... I'll break into the Vatican with you.
Will: I have a contact who tracked your credit card from another one of your flights out of L.A.X. From that, they got your social security number. I did a trace on it. See, here's what doesn't make any sense, Kate Jones. You died in 1973.
Kendall: Just so we're clear, Mr. Vaughn, I know all about your participation in busting Agent Bristow out of federal custody. Convince her to talk to her mother, or face charges of obstructing justice and harboring a fugitive. Vaughn: Guess it's two-for-one day on blackmail.
Vaughn: I've... I've got this aunt, umm, Aunt Trish. She's the insane one in the family. She uh speaks to the dead, goes to readings, uh, she's a crop circle worshipper. Sydney: Aunt Trish Vaughn: Yeah. This whole Rambaldi thing reminds me of something she would tell me about.
Vaughn: Noah Hicks - you mentioned him in the initial background report you wrote when you first made contact with the CIA. Sydney: We met when I was a trainee. We actually dated for a while. Vaughn: Really. Sydney: We kept it under the radar. SD-6 discourages, you know, fraternization among agents. Vaughn: So does the CIA.
Sydney: [about Allison/Francie] Why didn't she kill me? Weiss: Maybe she likes you. Sydney: Weiss, I'm serious. Weiss: So am I! Come on. She lived with you for months. She doubled herself as your best friend. Maybe in that time, she started to like you. I could see that happening.
Irina: Ultimately, you will do whatever you want. That's what free will's all about.
Sydney: My name is Sydney Bristow. Seven years ago I was recruited by a secret branch of the CIA called SD-6. I was sworn to secrecy, but I couldn't keep it from my fianc". And when the head of SD-6 found out, he had him killed. That's when I learned the truth: SD-6 is not part of the CIA. I've been working for the very people I thought I was fighting against. So, I went to the only place that could help me take them down. Now I'm a double agent for the CIA, where my handler is a man named Michael Vaughn. Only one other person knows the truth about what I do, another double agent inside SD-6. Someone I hardly know - my father.
Sark: Good luck. Sydney: I don't need luck from you, you son of a bitch. Sark: Wonderful attitude.
Lauren: They're right behind us. Sark: Yes, thank you. I can see that.
Sydney: I'm writing a paper with soul. It's got lots of soul.
Will: I know, I just don't want to miss the previews, though. They're, like, my favorite part.
Weiss: So, in a case like this, we start by digitizing all the news coverage that covered the bombing. You, uh, you like Italian food? Christine Phillips: I have a boyfriend. [Weiss looks up as Vaughn walks in the room] Weiss: Yeah, me too.
McKenas Cole: Oh, wow, that was a moderately clever retort.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: [after a random woman kisses him in a bar] I think I just got Hepatitis
Agent Marshall Flinkman: Sloane gave me the finger.
[Jack is doing Nadia's psych evaluation and giving her hypothetical situations] Agent Jack Bristow: While tapping the phone line of a target in New Delhi, you're spotted by the enemy. Your partner tells you to continue with the mission objective while he neutralizes the target. Do you obey him, or fight back? Nadia Santos: Is the phone system PBX matrix? Agent Jack Bristow: Just answer the question, please. Nadia Santos: Why is my partner a man? Agent Jack Bristow: The sex of your partner is irrelevant. Nadia Santos: Oh. No, I would not obey. I'd help her fight him off, then she and I could finish the job together.
Marshall: I've lost my keys. Where are they?
Rachel Gibson: I'm the new girl, I panicked on the last mission, and everybody's questioning whether I can do it or not. And the truth is... I don't know. I'm terrified. But I'm more terrified of not trying. So I'm gonna put on my strappy shoes and my tiny dress and I'm gonna try. And by this time tomorrow, we'll know if I can do it or not.
[discussing Will's hickey] Will: It's very embarrassing. Sydney: What, the fact that I saw it or just that it's there at all? Will: Look at it. I feel like I'm 15 years old. Sydney: That's about the age of your intern.
Agent Jack Bristow: How was the first briefing with Lauren? Sydney: [sarcastically] Wonderful. Agent Jack Bristow: I'm not asking because I'm a fan of inter-office gossip. Tell me how it went.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: [attempting to gouge out the eye of a dead man to use it for a retinal scan] Ewww. It's oozing. Agent Jack Bristow: That eye's no good, you'll have to move on to the other one. You'll need some kind of a scooping object. Do you have a spoon? Agent Marshall Flinkman: I have a spork. Agent Jack Bristow: What's a spork? Agent Marshall Flinkman: It's... like... a combination of a fork and a spoon. Agent Jack Bristow: That'll work.
Sydney: [while following Francie's boyfriend, Francie starts the car immediately after he leaves his house] No, wait until he's a block away. Francie: Look at you getting all into it! Sydney: [embarrassed] Everyone knows you wait. Francie: I didn't know you wait. Sydney: You wait.
Marshall: You've got the looks. I've got the brains. Vaughn: I've got the looks? You've got the brains?
Jack: I used to think you didn't have much of a spine. Vaughn: Has that assessment changed at all? Jack: No.
Sydney: What about Will? Agent Jack Bristow: [turns to Will] You're gonna have a hard time.
Vaughn: Uh, I don't have an easy answer to that. Kendall: I'll take a complicated one.
Sydney: Those men died for no reason. Vaughn: No. Those men died for their country.
Vaughn: I hate you - but I love Sydney more. Which is why you're not dying tonight.
Haladki: I think your judgment is impaired. Vaughn: I think I'm going to kick your ass.
Will: Who would live a double life like that? Sydney: There are people.
Irina: [Sydney is confronted by her mother for the first time since she was six] I've waited almost thirty years for this... You must have known this day would come. I could have prevented all this, of course... You were so small when you were born. It would have been so easy... Tell me... Sydney... Who sent you here? You must tell me. Sydney: Or what? I'm grounded? [Irina shoots Sydney in the shoulder] Irina: Tell you what. Think about it. I'll come back and ask you again.
Rachel Gibson: Oh, my God, you're... Kelly Peyton: Not dead? Rachel Gibson: I was gonna say evil, but...
[Sydney's pager beeps] Will: You can just say good guys or bad guys. Sydney: Neither, my father.
Vaughn: So, I was thinking, later tonight when we get the code key, maybe we can check it out? Sydney: What, the restaurant? Vaughn: Yeah. Well, it's almost too good not to. Sydney: Unless SD-6 spots us there and has us killed. Vaughn: Well, the food's so good it's almost worth the risk.
Sark: Wait. If that's the wrong wire... Rachel Gibson: I thought you liked risks. Sark: I also like my body. And as I recall, so do you.
Will: You awkward? Sydney: Yeah, small eyes and big teeth, and I was always a foot taller than everybody else so I kind of hunched over. Will: I wish I could've seen that.
Irina: I see through you. You must know that. Sloane: This is who I am. Irina: You may need to think of yourself as an honorable husband, a father figure. But I don't. I will never see that man in you, which frankly is why we have this agreement. Sloane: You need to get some rest. Irina: Never talk to me about your love for Sydney again.
Marcus Dixon: [shouting] Are you ready to party? Sydney: Are you ready to party? Marcus Dixon: I speak nine languages. Techno is not one of them.
[Sydney and Marshall have just talked their way past a security post] Sydney: What did you say to him? Agent Marshall Flinkman: [nervous] I don't know. I think it was "Go away I can smell you from here" in Ewok.
Sloane: You know, we should dance. Sydney: Like hell.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: [in a briefing, discussing where the exchange of a WMD will take place] Sounds awesome! [everybody stares at him] Agent Marshall Flinkman: What? Brazil... Isn't that where they have those... string... not bikinis... what do you call them? Agent Jack Bristow: Thongs?
Marcus Dixon: We kill ourselves to do the right thing, meanwhile the bad people keep coming back.
Agent Jack Bristow: [to Sloane] Personally, I would have found it anticlimactic, that after expecting to assemble a weapon of ultimate power, you ended up with a revelation you could have acquired from a fortune cookie.
[about Vaughn] Sydney: After 30 years, you're still haunted by your wife's betrayal. Will it be the same for him? Jack: Absolutely.
[Vaughn is beating a punching bag, obviously angry] Agent Eric Weiss: The bag is dead, I think you can stop now. Vaughn: Thanks for coming. Agent Eric Weiss: Thanks for sweating.
McKenas Cole: [to Sydney] Now, I know I'm not the subtlest guy when it comes to women and I probably said something insanely inappropriate, because you told me if I ever talked to you again, you'd break my kneecaps. Which just made me love you.
Rachel Gibson: What happened? Sark: I overestimated my friendship with Masari. He assumed I was betraying him and took the money and left. Rachel Gibson: Oh. So then he knows you pretty well.
Sydney: The idea that the CIA is willing to work with Irina Derevko is insane. Agent Jack Bristow: Worse, it's naive. Your mother didn't just conveniently turn herself in. This is all part of the manipulation. Sydney: Well, she's their problem now. She's not yours. And she's not mine. [When putting on her jacket, she winces a little bit] Agent Jack Bristow: You okay? Sydney: My shoulder's healing, if that's what you mean. Agent Jack Bristow: It's not, actually.
Francie: What? You kissed Will Tippin? Are you kidding me?
Suit and Glasses: [leaning over Sydney, who is cuffed to a chair] I'd rather not make this too painful. Sydney: Me too. Thanks. Glad we're on the same page. That's good.
Sydney: This is ridiculous, let's just get the son of a bitch.
Vaughn: Freeze! Give me the bomb. Give it to me. [Sark activates the explosive] Sark: With pleasure.
Sydney: [to Vaughn] There's something that happens when you discover the truth about someone. I know a little about this. The truth changes everything. There's this woman, a personality, like a collage I've put together from the photographs, the few memories I have, the scraps of stories I've heard, the clothes of hers I've got, her books. And none of its real. She wasn't that woman at all, she was - she was a horrible person... Who killed you father... Vaughn, I just wanted to say... that I'm so sorry.
Sydney: I don't support the death penalty. I but I hope she dies for all that she has done. I really do.
Lauren: Hello? Sark: It killed you, didn't it, seeing him drop the gun for Sydney. Lauren: No it isn't a good time, can I call you in the morning? Sark: He's there with you, is that it? Though he'd rather be with her. You know, it's quite a charade you two are engaged in. Lauren: I think we both know how dedicated I am to this assignment. If you have any issues, take it up through the proper channels. Sark: Don't mistake me. It's not your dedication that I question. Lauren: We'll talk about this later.
Jenny: That was Sydney, right? You're different when you talk to Sydney. Will: Don't analyze me.
Sydney: Why does that guy have such a guilty look on his face? Francie: Yesterday, Ginger told Rod that Gavin was Ruby's pimp, but Rod didn't even know that Ruby was a prostitute... Sydney: Who's Gavin? Francie: Ruby's father. Sydney: Ew.
[repeated lines of Sydney's contact code] Sydney: [answering a phone] Hello? Person on Phone: Joey's Pizza? Sydney: Wrong number.
Sark: Tell me, did they spot us? Lauren: No, I don't think so. According to the transport order, the ship docks in 16 hours. We should get going. Sark: You should know that you are amazing. Before, I mean. Typically, this is where you return the compliment. [Lauren ignores him and gets out of bed]
[after Marshall has been recruited to A.P.O.; on their first mission] Agent Marshall Flinkman: [to Dixon] How cool is this? Stealing a sword so we can find a bad guy... in order to catch an even bigger bad guy? Come on... come on, you'd have never let us do this back at the CI... you know, when you were double-breasted, serious [mechanial voice] Agent Marshall Flinkman: Robot Dixon... [Dixon is not amused] Agent Marshall Flinkman: I mean, not that you were... authoritative... Sorry...
Sydney: My name is Sydney Bristow. I've seen you in the office. I always wondered what you did. Aah. I guess this is what you do.
Agent Jack Bristow: [Jack and Sydney are sitting in silence] This is the best conversation we've had in weeks.
Sloane: Marshall, would you please go back to work? Agent Marshall Flinkman: Just to clarify, I'm not being fired? Sloane: Back to work means not fired.
Sydney: OK so you're acting really freaky.
Agent Jack Bristow: Mr. Vaughn, you're young and you're eager, and I understand that. But one thing you're not, and this is something only time can provide, really, is wise.
Vaughn: My wife betrayed me! She betrayed all of us! You can't expect me to pretend that never happened. Jack: I'm not sure you have a choice. Vaughn: And why's that? Jack: Because you're the one that married her.
Sydney: Dad... I'm going to find her. I have to. Agent Jack Bristow: Searching for that woman will accomplish nothing! No good can come from it! Sydney: I need to know where she is. Agent Jack Bristow: Sydney, we don't even know if she's still alive! Sydney: I know Agent Jack Bristow: Even if she is, it doesn't change what she did! Sydney: Dad, I know! Agent Jack Bristow: Do you expect her just to say..."I'm sorry"? Sydney: I don't know what to expect! Agent Jack Bristow: Well, you better know exactly what to expect!... What could she ever say... that would satisfy you?
McKenas Cole: I am now standing in Sloan's... tastefully minimalistic office.
NSC Director Robert Lindsey: If you're finished, this is the men's room. Sydney: Who let you in?
Marcus Dixon: Listen, while you're grabbing the Rambaldi manuscript, if you happen to see a sandwich... Sydney: You got it.
Sophia Vargas/Elena Derevko: Eric, you have no idea how exited I am to meet you. Nadia says the most beautiful things about you. [she walks away] Agent Eric Weiss: [obviously happy] Really? Nadia Santos: She asked me if you were tall, dark and handsome. I told her you were tall. [they kiss]
Agent Jack Bristow: If you tell anyone about this conversation, you will no longer be able to wear a hat.
Vaughn: Respectfully Syd, I don't think your father can think clearly where your mother is concerned. Sydney: And you can? Vaughn: I'm trying and she has nothing to gain by lying.
[an alarm will go off in 15 seconds if set off] Vaughn: So you said you could disarm it in under 20 seconds, how far under 20? Sydney: I work better under pressure.
Vaughn: Half a can only. I don't want to come back to a fat dog.
Sydney: I thought you'd be home by now. Jack: I was about to say the same to you. The plasma charge, it's in our hands. Sydney: Sark isn't... the Covenant. Jack: Have you had dinner? If memory serves, you always liked Mitchellis. Sydney: I haven't eaten there since I was eight. Jack: I do eat, you know. Sydney: I'd like that, actually.
Katya Derevko: I find you sexy, Jack - deal with it.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: Sorry I've got hives.
Weiss: Jack is going to shoot you in the face. Vaughn: Just give me a half-hour head start. Tell him that she called your phone and you gave it to me. We only have ten hours to find Kaplan. Weiss: If we end up sharing a cell in federal prison, I'm not giving you a drawer.
Agent Eric Weiss: You don't poop where you sleep.
Irina: Ultimately you'll do what you want, that's what free will's all about.
Lauren: Stop the car! Sark: What are you talking about? Lauren: Stop the car, now. Pull in here. [they begin to make out]
Agent Jack Bristow: [convincing his friend in British intelligence to investigate her own agency, thus committing treason] What's a little treason between old friends?
Arvin Sloane: [to Agent Jack Bristow] One night - oh, this was years ago, maybe two years before you and I met - I had just finished my first Far East briefing in the White House. I was new to the CIA. After that meeting, everyone got into a limousine to head back to Langley, but I didn't. I told them I was gonna walk for a while. They all looked at me sort of funny, I mean, it was a cold night. So I said 'I need to get some air,' but the truth is... I was overcome. It did occur to me, as I was walking down the White House steps, that I was living in a perfect moment. Everything was filled with promise: my role in the CIA, my relationship with a wife that I had not yet met. Still, I could feel the darkness coming. So I wandered around for a while, ended up at Jefferson Memorial. It was always my favorite one. Looked out across the basin. Lincoln, right there. I didn't know how it would finally materialize, the darkness. I had nothing to base it on. It wasn't as if the CIA had just betrayed me, or my wife had just been diagnosed with lymphoma. None of that had happened yet. So whenever life takes an unfortunate turn, as it has this week, I just remind myself that I could see it coming all along.
McKenas Cole: Welcome, Miss Thorne. The work you'll be doing for us requires a certain commitment. Sydney: [brainwashed as Miss Thorne] Of course. McKenas Cole: Who this man is, is not important. What is important is this knife on the table. Use it. Kill this unimportant man.
Agent Eric Weiss: You really want some space, or are you and I going to go get drunk? 'Cause there's this bar - you won't even remember it tomorrow.
Lauren: Michael, what are you doing? [Vaughn looks at her phone] Vaughn: Sometimes I hate my job. Lauren: Baby, what's going on? Vaughn: You know how doctors always make you wait? Lauren: What? Vaughn: When you go in for an appointment. My dad hated that. He used to say he'd always kept his appointments, and everyone else should do the same. Lauren: You okay? Vaughn: Yeah. I just... I was looking for my house keys and I found this. [shows her the watch] Lauren: Why? Were you looking for your house keys? Vaughn: I couldn't sleep. I thought I'd go for a jog. Lauren: What time is it? Vaughn: I dunno. It's broken. Lauren: Are you sure you're all right? Vaughn: Yeah, I'm fine. [they kiss] Vaughn: I'll see you later.
Arvin Sloane: No! Do you think this is what this is about? Immortality? You bought the rumor, you simple-minded dilettante! The mystery, the true secrets of these creations will always be kept from you... the unworthy!
Sark: You know it's a pity we're traveling separately. We could've used the opportunity to get to know each other better. Sydney: Yeah, I'm broken up about that too. Sark: You're surprisingly adept at keeping your curiosity in check. Sydney: Don't flatter yourself.
Sark: Are you comfortable? Do you feel comfortable trading priceless documents for a low-grade reporter? Agent Jack Bristow: You should read Tippin's stuff. It's not so bad.
Sakkoulas: Ah, you are American. Sydney: That's right. God bless America.
Sydney: Is that a hickey?
Vaughn: If you betray her, no matter what it costs me, I will kill you. Sloane: No need to worry, I love her too.
Irina: [Vaughn has come to ask a favor of Irina] Tell me how you feel about my daughter. Vaughn: That's none of your business. Irina: Are you in love with her? Vaughn: I don't know why that matters. Irina: [cutting him off] I don't have the advantage of observing casual behavior... I'm curious. Vaughn: Help me... and I'll tell you what you want to know.
Sydney: Well, go ahead and raid my closet. Francie: Thanks... but I've got boobs.
Lauren: This better be good. Sark: And a good morning to you, too. Lauren: You paged me on my NSC cell phone. You know that they track all incoming numbers. Sark: This cell phone's been cloned, so you have nothing to worry about. We've just learned that a freelance munitions expert has created a cutting edge technology, one that he's since sold to one of our rivals. We need you to filter back any CIA intel that might help us get a lock on it. Lauren: You called me to remind me to do my job? Sark: Darling, it's not like that. Lauren: [sarcastically] Yeah.
Sydney: Why are you looking at me like that? Did you guys break something of mine?
Sydney: I just wanted to rip his finger right off again. Does that make me a bad person?
Agent Jack Bristow: Your mother was sent to the United States to steal secrets from a ranking officer of the C.I.A. How she and I happened to meet, how she supposedly fell in love, I thought it was all true. But it was just a set-up.
Will: Syd, you've been going over this since the beginning of time. You'll figure it out. Sydney: What makes you say that? Will: Because you're you.
Sydney: [talking to Sloane] The thought that I did something for you that might give you a warm and fuzzy feeling makes me want to kick my own sister out of my house.
Sydney: How do I look? Marcus Dixon: For the record, that's a question you never have to ask.
Vaughn: You asked me some questions. I told you I'd answer them if you helped me. You did help me. And I thank you for that. Irina: I didn't do it for you. Vaughn: I'm trying to live a normal life... which was always hard, given what I do. But it's gotten harder since I met your daughter. It's not that knowing her hasn't made my life better. It has. But it's also made it that much worse... I think I've said enough. Irina: The problem, Mr. Vaughn... Is that to the one person who matters... You haven't said anything at all. Vaughn: Listen, this may not mean anything to you, this may not be something you understand, or appreciate, but we have rules. Very clear, important rules that govern the relationship between a handler and his asset. Irina: And between a man and a woman?
[the assassin Sark is introduced as an ally] Marshall: Hi. Welcome. Don't kill me.
Sydney: Dad, we need to get moving. Agent Jack Bristow: I know. I'm just preparing myself to let Irina out.
Lauren Reed: Not everything was a lie.
Sydney: [sing-song] I'm going shoppin'.
Sydney: I fought myself. I killed myself.
Kazu Tamazaki: [preparing to torture Sydney] Did you eat breakfast? Sydney: Why? You wanna grab something?
Lauren: Are you ready for our first job as senior management? Sark: You're so ambitious, I love it. Lauren: The job's in Vancouver. Requires a breach of a data storage facility. Sark: Really? What's the prize? Lauren: A plasma charge. Next generation destructive power. Sark: I thought those were just theoretical. Lauren: Apparently not in Vancouver. Sark: All right. I'll meet you there in four hours. Lauren: Three. We have to be first in line. The CIA's sending agents. Sark: Who? Lauren: One guess. Sark: Sweetheart, this should be fun. Lauren: I'll see you in Vancouver. Don't be late or call me sweetheart. Sark: Ambitious and domineering. Fantastic.
Weiss: Will he ever open his eyes? Marshall: Babies sleep, Weiss, you know. That's what they do, except when they're screaming. Last night, from midnight to six. Sydney: He's gorgeous, Marshall. Marshall: Thanks.
Jack: Surprised you didn't get the reference. Modified kaexelate cocktail washed with tetrodotoxin presented in a bottle of Chambertin Clos de Bez. Just like we used in Saigon. But understand, this was not done out of compassion. I orchestrated this because and only because I need you.
Sydney: The highlight of my social-life was my dorms salad-bar.
Sydney: Your dancers... suck.
Vaughn: You're not the easiest guy to work with. Kendall: No. No, definitely not.
Lauren: [to Sydney] I see what's going on between you and Michael, so let me be clear: stay the hell away from my husband.
Sark: [repeated line to Lauren] Not if I see you first, love.
Sydney: I'm not like other mums.
Jack: [during Sydney's hallucination] Shh. Don't talk. You can't imagine how much I hate it when you talk. I had a desperate need to stop her voice from ringing in my ears. What torments me now is that every time I look at you, I see your mother's face.
Sydney: Amazing idea. Vaughn: Thank you. I know.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: He also happens to own the largest collection of pornographic art in all of Madrid. Which... I thought was an interesting fact. Sorry.
[to Vaughn] Agent Jack Bristow: And, just because you have gotten comfortable with my daughter doesn't mean you can get comfortable with me.
Sydney: Last chance to bail out. Will: What, are you kidding me? I love this stuff.
Agent Eric Weiss: What is this, the flirting corner?
Irina: Truth takes time.
Irina: I'll tell you what you need to know. Sydney: Get off the ledge NOW! Irina: Sloane believes he's been chosen to realize the word of Rambaldi. But you, too, have been chosen. Sydney: If you think I'm bluffing... Irina: It's you in the prophecy, Sydney, not me. Only you can stop him. Good luck, sweetheart. Sydney: Get down now! Irina: I love you.
Sydney: What are you, twelve years old?
Noah Hicks: I told you to meet me in San Pedro. Sydney: I never got a letter. Noah Hicks: I didn't send you a letter. I wasn't allowed to discuss my reassignment. I encoded a message in a junk e-mail. You should've been able to pick it up from the subject line. Sydney: I always set my computer to filter out junk e-mail.
Sydney: Call waiting for spies.
Irina: There were times when the illusion of our marriage was as powerful for me as it was for you.
Sloane: She was a KGB spy who cared nothing about you or me. I've always thought that you understood your relationship with Irina was nothing more than that. But now that your schoolboy crush on the woman who destroyed your life is preventing you from saving mine, I will have to revise that assessment.
Francie: No, no, no. We need a professional. We need a hit man. If there's one, there are a thousand. Rats breed hourly.
[the Francie clone has hypnotized Will Tippen] Francie: [as Allison] Now I'm going to count back from five, and when you wake up, you will remember nothing of this conversation. All you will remember is that you had the best sex of your life.
C.I.A. Therapist Dr. Judy Barnett: Did you purchase a Christmas gift for Agent Bristow? Vaughn: Uh... I'm not familiar, Dr. Barnett, with the regulations preventing officers from celebrating with their co-workers, a fairly widely recognized holiday such as Christmas.
Weiss: How are you doing? Vaughn: Fine. Weiss: Hey, guess what? It's me. Come on, how're you doing? Vaughn: I'm hanging in there. Weiss: How's Lauren about it? Vaughn: She didn't remember. Weiss: And, you didn't say anything? Vaughn: No. I mean, she's got a lot on her mind. Weiss: Yeah, that's probably it.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: [showing off his ring gadget] Mr. Bristow, will you marry me?
Irina: [Irina, Sydney, and Jack are walking through a mine field] So, Sydney, how's school? Sydney: I'm working on my dissertation. Supposedly.
Sydney: I'm gonna shoot you with adrenaline - we have got to run. Vaughn: No. Don't do that.
Vaughn: You're probably gonna say no to this, but I wanna go to India. Kendall: Go. Vaughn: "Go"? What... Are you trying to get rid of me?
Vaughn: Now, the guys say it's bitchin, so I assume it's... bitchin.
Will: So, I'm not annoying to dead people.
Agent Marshall Flinkman: They're super-swank.
Agent Jack Bristow: The illusion of freedom is better than none at all.
Vaughn: Hey, what did you say before about Haladki? Weiss: I don't think he showers?
Jack: [to Sloane] I'm not going to help you. Since this is the last conversation we will ever have, I want to make this perfectly clear. What you have done to my daughter is nothing compared to what I will do when I find yours. Salud.
Agent Jack Bristow: Those Cyrillic codes you found in those books - yes, they were orders from the KGB and yes, they were orders to kill. An agent received those orders and carried them out, murdering officers of the C.I.A., including your father, Mr. Vaughn. All this is true. But, Sydney, I was not that agent. Your mother was.
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