Arrested Development Quotes
Level-headed son Michael Bluth takes over family affairs after his father is imprisoned. But the rest of his spoiled, dysfunctional family are making his job unbearable.
Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke: It's out of context.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke: Tobias, you blowhard.
[chuckles]
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke: It's out of context.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke: Tobias, you blowhard.
[chuckles]
[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
Michael: One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob: Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael: Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob: He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob: Maybe I am ready to be a father.
Michael: One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob: Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael: Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob: He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob: Maybe I am ready to be a father.
[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
Gob: [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael: You're not gonna do it...
[does rock]
Michael: .
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille: [entering room] Michael.
Michael: Just a minute mom.
[to GOB]
Michael: . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael: You're not gonna do it...
[does rock]
Michael: .
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille: [entering room] Michael.
Michael: Just a minute mom.
[to GOB]
Michael: . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
Michael: I burned it. Down to the ground.
George Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
Michael: What?
George Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
[strangles Michael]
George Sr.: [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
Prison guard: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
George Sr.: No touching.
Prison guard: No touching.
George Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
Michael: What?
George Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
[strangles Michael]
George Sr.: [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
Prison guard: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
George Sr.: No touching.
Prison guard: No touching.
George Sr.: What is this is they have on me? You keep talking about a fact. You keep saying "I know for a fact." What fact?
Cindi Lightballoon: Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you.
George Sr.: Faith is not a fact.
Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.
Narrator: George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.
George Sr.: Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.
George Sr.: [in the present] I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?
Cindi Lightballoon: Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you.
George Sr.: Faith is not a fact.
Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.
Narrator: George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.
George Sr.: Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.
George Sr.: [in the present] I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?
Gob: Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
Michael: No, no I'm not...
Gob: One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael: It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob: There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...
Michael: No, no I'm not...
Gob: One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael: It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob: There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...
Wayne Jarvis: I have a picture taken by a traffic camera of you escorting your father.
[hands it to Michael]
Barry Zuckerkorn: Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.
[hands it to Michael]
Barry Zuckerkorn: Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.
Lindsay Funke: Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael Bluth: That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay Funke: [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael Bluth: What is that? Is that a chicken?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: What's this?
Lindsay Funke: Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael Bluth: No, I'm not.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael Bluth: Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
Michael Bluth: That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay Funke: [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael Bluth: What is that? Is that a chicken?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: What's this?
Lindsay Funke: Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael Bluth: No, I'm not.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael Bluth: Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
Michael: You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob: Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob: Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
Gob: Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob: Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob: Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
George Sr.: I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.
Lindsay Funke: What?
George Sr.: Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay Funke: Stabbed?
George Sr.: In a way. I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering obscenities at my... my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.
Lindsay Funke: [Touched] That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me.
Lindsay Funke: What?
George Sr.: Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay Funke: Stabbed?
George Sr.: In a way. I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering obscenities at my... my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.
Lindsay Funke: [Touched] That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me.
Narrator: Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...
Gob: 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator: ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob: It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
Stan Sitwell: Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator: But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob: How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.
Gob: This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in
[bleep]
Gob: City.
Stan Sitwell: You're fired.
Gob: 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator: ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob: It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
Stan Sitwell: Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator: But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob: How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.
Gob: This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in
[bleep]
Gob: City.
Stan Sitwell: You're fired.
Michael: Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [to his secretary] I'm not here.
Barry's Secretary: Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael: Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call.
Barry Zuckerkorn: I am not a girl, you...
Barry's Secretary: [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [to his secretary] I'm not here.
Barry's Secretary: Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael: Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call.
Barry Zuckerkorn: I am not a girl, you...
Barry's Secretary: [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.
[the Bluths have hired Andy Griffith to sit in on George Sr's hearing]
Lindsay Funke: Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer.
[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck]
Lindsay Funke: He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator: They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough.
Lindsay Funke: Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer.
[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck]
Lindsay Funke: He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator: They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough.
Maebe: So, you killed Kitty, huh?
Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
Maebe: Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
Maebe: Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
Narrator: While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...
Tobias Fünke: [after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
Lindsay Funke: Uh... I didn't contact any agency.
Tobias Fünke: But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
Narrator: And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
Tobias Fünke: A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
Tobias Fünke: [after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
Lindsay Funke: Uh... I didn't contact any agency.
Tobias Fünke: But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
Narrator: And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
Tobias Fünke: A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
Michael: [after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.
[silence amongst the family]
Michael: Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
[everyone gasps]
Michael: ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."
[silence amongst the family]
Michael: Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
[everyone gasps]
Michael: ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."
Tobias Fünke: Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.
Carl Weathers: Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: [pause] I think I'd like my money back.
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.
Carl Weathers: Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: [pause] I think I'd like my money back.
Gob: [Gob's wife has served him divorce papers] And now she's stomping on my heart.
Michael Bluth: What's her first name? Quickly.
Gob: [flustered] Crindee.
Michael Bluth: Name's not Crindee, Gob.
Gob: [Reads papers] Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."
Michael Bluth: That's a strong defense.
Michael Bluth: What's her first name? Quickly.
Gob: [flustered] Crindee.
Michael Bluth: Name's not Crindee, Gob.
Gob: [Reads papers] Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."
Michael Bluth: That's a strong defense.
Buster: My Army training tells me... that this is going to be a hot mission.
Michael: What? A hot mission?
Buster: Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".
Michael: No, le-let's try to top that.
Narrator: They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway.
Michael: What? A hot mission?
Buster: Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".
Michael: No, le-let's try to top that.
Narrator: They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway.
Lindsay Funke: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay Funke: That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
Lucille: Mine was better.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay Funke: That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
Lucille: Mine was better.
George Sr.: Listen... Let him go. Let your son go.
Michael: I can't do that, Dad. He needs me.
George Sr.: Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster.
Michael: Yeah, boy. What happened there?
George Sr.: I really don't know. Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... he turned out a little soft, you know, a little doughy.
[Buster yawns next to him]
George Sr.: I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe, uh, maybe I just ignored the guy.
[Buster finishes yawning although George Sr is ignoring him]
Buster: Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Michael: Yeah, I got to let my son go.
Michael: I can't do that, Dad. He needs me.
George Sr.: Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster.
Michael: Yeah, boy. What happened there?
George Sr.: I really don't know. Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... he turned out a little soft, you know, a little doughy.
[Buster yawns next to him]
George Sr.: I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe, uh, maybe I just ignored the guy.
[Buster finishes yawning although George Sr is ignoring him]
Buster: Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Michael: Yeah, I got to let my son go.
Narrator: For the first time, Lucille prays...
Lucille: [Praying] Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.
Narrator: And Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of passage...
[Buster swims in the ocean]
Person: Loose seal. Watch out for loose seal.
Buster: [Thinking he means Lucille] I don't care about Lucille. She lies.
Narrator: ...and then a seal bites off his hand.
Lucille: Amen.
Lucille: [Praying] Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.
Narrator: And Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of passage...
[Buster swims in the ocean]
Person: Loose seal. Watch out for loose seal.
Buster: [Thinking he means Lucille] I don't care about Lucille. She lies.
Narrator: ...and then a seal bites off his hand.
Lucille: Amen.
General Garvey: [Lucille is trying to get Buster out of combat by visiting the General, an old boyfriend of hers from her USO days] I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.
Lucille: Is there anything *I* can do?
General Garvey: Well, maybe if you go?
[leans back in his chair]
General Garvey: ?downtown.
Lucille: [grins] Oh, I haven't done that in thirty years.
[pauses, then sings]
Lucille: When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown.
Lucille: Is there anything *I* can do?
General Garvey: Well, maybe if you go?
[leans back in his chair]
General Garvey: ?downtown.
Lucille: [grins] Oh, I haven't done that in thirty years.
[pauses, then sings]
Lucille: When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown.
Michael Bluth: Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay Funke: [obviously under the influence] Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael Bluth: Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke: Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael Bluth: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke: Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.
Lindsay Funke: [obviously under the influence] Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael Bluth: Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke: Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael Bluth: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke: Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.
Tobias Fünke: So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.
Narrator: They really do.
Casting Director: [shows a casting director's office] The glitteratti has struck again.
[reading the resume]
Casting Director: Never hire Tobias Funke.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.
Narrator: They really do.
Casting Director: [shows a casting director's office] The glitteratti has struck again.
[reading the resume]
Casting Director: Never hire Tobias Funke.
Gob: [while giving a lecture on office sexual harassment policies] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office
[bleep]
Gob: and
[bleep]
Gob: and finger
[bleep]
Gob: and
[long bleep]
Gob: or even
[bleep]
Gob: . Even though so many of us are *begging* for it. Oh, and if anyone lays a finger on my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my
[bleep]
Gob: and I'll personally
[long bleep]
Gob: .
[bleep]
Gob: and
[bleep]
Gob: and finger
[bleep]
Gob: and
[long bleep]
Gob: or even
[bleep]
Gob: . Even though so many of us are *begging* for it. Oh, and if anyone lays a finger on my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my
[bleep]
Gob: and I'll personally
[long bleep]
Gob: .
George Sr.: Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.
Gob: [as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch.
George Sr.: [starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard.
Gob: Dad, that's my wrist.
[as George Sr. chokes Gob]
Gob: Hey, that's his neck.
Gob: [as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch.
George Sr.: [starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard.
Gob: Dad, that's my wrist.
[as George Sr. chokes Gob]
Gob: Hey, that's his neck.
Tobias Fünke: Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob: Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke: Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke: You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth: What?
Lindsay Funke: ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth: I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator: None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
Gob: Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke: Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke: You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth: What?
Lindsay Funke: ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth: I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator: None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
George Sr.: The Brits set me up. I heard nothing about Iraq.
Michael: Dad, we have a picture of you and Saddam Hussein.
[picture of George Sr. shaking hands with Saddam Hussein. Caption says "Bluth-Hussen Meeting 1998." ]
George Sr.: I thought he was the Soup Nazi. I was just congratulating him on a great job.
Michael: Dad, we have a picture of you and Saddam Hussein.
[picture of George Sr. shaking hands with Saddam Hussein. Caption says "Bluth-Hussen Meeting 1998." ]
George Sr.: I thought he was the Soup Nazi. I was just congratulating him on a great job.
George Michael Bluth: Don't you always say "family first"?
Michael: Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael Bluth: She's not my real aunt?
Michael: Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
Michael: Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael Bluth: She's not my real aunt?
Michael: Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias has been trying out for the Blue Man Group] Bad news, Michael, I am afraid that I am no longer an understudy for the Blue Man Group. It seems that we have parted ways.
Michael: [reading an official-looking letter] "Cease and decist... "
Tobias Fünke: Apparently, they dont like competition.
[shows a magazine ad with Tobias that says "Want a Blue Man For Less Green?"]
Michael: [reading an official-looking letter] "Cease and decist... "
Tobias Fünke: Apparently, they dont like competition.
[shows a magazine ad with Tobias that says "Want a Blue Man For Less Green?"]
Lindsay Funke: Barry, did you talk to a doctor?
Barry Zuckerkorn: I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? How the hell did I get that?
[Cut to a shot of a rest area]
Lucille Bluth: She was talking about George.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Oh, he's the same. Look, I guess we should decide on who's going to speak for the family. I would, but I have Laker tickets.
[Cut to a shot of the rest area]
Barry Zuckerkorn: I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? How the hell did I get that?
[Cut to a shot of a rest area]
Lucille Bluth: She was talking about George.
Barry Zuckerkorn: Oh, he's the same. Look, I guess we should decide on who's going to speak for the family. I would, but I have Laker tickets.
[Cut to a shot of the rest area]
Michael: Where did you get that outfit?
Lindsay Funke: Mom gave it to me. I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe mom, so I know you're lying to me.
Lindsay Funke: Okay fine. I bought it before we went broke. I just haven't worn it until now.
Michael: Uh huh. And the outfit yesterday?
Lindsay Funke: Old Thing gave it to me.
Lindsay Funke: Mom gave it to me. I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe mom, so I know you're lying to me.
Lindsay Funke: Okay fine. I bought it before we went broke. I just haven't worn it until now.
Michael: Uh huh. And the outfit yesterday?
Lindsay Funke: Old Thing gave it to me.
Michael: Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?
Wayne Jarvis: We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.
Michael: Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.
Wayne Jarvis: Twice?
Michael: Two times.
Wayne Jarvis: We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.
Michael: Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.
Wayne Jarvis: Twice?
Michael: Two times.
Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke: Yes.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias Fünke: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias Fünke: I am here to see the magic.
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias Fünke: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab Driver: Gothic asshole?
Tobias Fünke: Yes.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias Fünke: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias Fünke: I am here to see the magic.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: [turning a twenty into... ] Monopoly. You don't have it, do you?
George Michael: Yeah, actually.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Well, that's good, cuz this one is missing a lot of pieces.
[drives off on his Segway]
George Michael: Uh, Uncle GOB, the twenty?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: A magician never reveals his secrets.
George Michael: I don't need the secret, I need...
[GOB is gone]
George Michael: Wow, that's so much like stealing.
George Michael: Yeah, actually.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Well, that's good, cuz this one is missing a lot of pieces.
[drives off on his Segway]
George Michael: Uh, Uncle GOB, the twenty?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: A magician never reveals his secrets.
George Michael: I don't need the secret, I need...
[GOB is gone]
George Michael: Wow, that's so much like stealing.
Gob: I did the right thing, Michael. If I didn't fire them, how could I teach a lesson to the others?
Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.
Gob: Oh, that's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is telling the guy in the $3,600 suit... how to... run the business...
[pause]
Gob: Come on.
Michael: Maybe we were better off with me being businesslike and you being the good time useless party guy.
Gob: It got us this far. And I must say I miss the laughter. Oh God, how they used to laugh with me.
Michael: AT you. We have to figure out a way to hire everybody back. A meeting.
Gob: A party.
Michael: No, we just had a party.
Gob: Yeah but I didn't get to have any fun.
Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.
Gob: Oh, that's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is telling the guy in the $3,600 suit... how to... run the business...
[pause]
Gob: Come on.
Michael: Maybe we were better off with me being businesslike and you being the good time useless party guy.
Gob: It got us this far. And I must say I miss the laughter. Oh God, how they used to laugh with me.
Michael: AT you. We have to figure out a way to hire everybody back. A meeting.
Gob: A party.
Michael: No, we just had a party.
Gob: Yeah but I didn't get to have any fun.
Buster: Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.
Drill Instructor: There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files]
Buster: Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob: Those bastards.
Drill Instructor: I did not say that.
Gob: Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall]
Gob: Climb that wall, homo.
Drill Instructor: Go get 'em.
Narrator: [as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]
Narrator: ... it did.
Gob: Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.
Drill Instructor: There's no time for that. We're shipping out without you. Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files]
Buster: Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob: Those bastards.
Drill Instructor: I did not say that.
Gob: Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall]
Gob: Climb that wall, homo.
Drill Instructor: Go get 'em.
Narrator: [as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]
Narrator: ... it did.
Gob: Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candied apple on his way to Mexico.
George Michael Bluth: Of course.
[pause]
George Michael Bluth: You're mocking me.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Of course.
George Michael Bluth: Of course.
[pause]
George Michael Bluth: You're mocking me.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Of course.
Lucille: What's a Forget-Me-Now?
Gob: They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.
Tobias Fünke: Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.
Lucille: Those are illegal.
Gob: Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.
Gob: They're pills that create a sort of temporary forgettingness. So if somebody finds out how you do a trick, you just give 'em one of these, and they forget the whole thing. It's a mainstay of the magician's toolkit, like how clowns always have a rag soaked in ether.
Tobias Fünke: Gob, this is Flunitrazepam. It's a roofie.
Lucille: Those are illegal.
Gob: Shut up, Mom. Don't make me give you another one of these.
Lucille Bluth: Supposedly, Luz had to take her daughter to the hospital. That's Lupe, her sister.
Michael Bluth: I hope she's okay...
Lucille Bluth: She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.
[Lucille sees Lupe cleaning the inside of the fireplace]
Lucille Bluth: Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she's been in there.
[to Lupe]
Lucille Bluth: Tell me you've got an exit strategy.
Michael Bluth: [chiding her] Mother...
Lucille Bluth: Oh, please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.
Michael Bluth: I hope she's okay...
Lucille Bluth: She's awful. Can barely wash a dish.
[Lucille sees Lupe cleaning the inside of the fireplace]
Lucille Bluth: Uh oh. She better not walk through here after she's been in there.
[to Lupe]
Lucille Bluth: Tell me you've got an exit strategy.
Michael Bluth: [chiding her] Mother...
Lucille Bluth: Oh, please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.
Lindsay Funke: Oh, are we still talking about the tapes? I was talking about my marriage. As you know, Bob Loblaw and I have had a secret little thing going.
Michael: Real secret. In fact, he doesn't even know about it.
Lindsay Funke: Last night, he finally responded to one of my subtle hints.
Lindsay Funke: [flashback] Why wont you fuck me?
Bob Loblaw: I'll be honest. You're a nice girl but you dress like a common whore. And besides, I just can't go out with a client.
Michael: Real secret. In fact, he doesn't even know about it.
Lindsay Funke: Last night, he finally responded to one of my subtle hints.
Lindsay Funke: [flashback] Why wont you fuck me?
Bob Loblaw: I'll be honest. You're a nice girl but you dress like a common whore. And besides, I just can't go out with a client.
Buster: I have an idea. It is time I used something I trained for in Army, but I never got a chance to do.
[he prepares to zipline to a balcony where George Michael and Lucille are]
Michael: Buster, you can't zip-line over there.
Buster: Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit. You have to get on your knees to start it.
Michael: This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster.
[he prepares to zipline to a balcony where George Michael and Lucille are]
Michael: Buster, you can't zip-line over there.
Buster: Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit. You have to get on your knees to start it.
Michael: This is much less scary. Godspeed, Buster.
Michael: G. O. B., you've found a woman who believes in you. You should make a commitment to her because life is short. Listen to me. I would give anything to be able to have that again, you know? A family. Nothing else matters.
Lucille: Michael?
Michael: It's Mom. Hide.
Gob: You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some.
Michael: No.
Lucille: Michael?
Gob: He's in here, Mom.
Michael: Come on.
Lucille: Michael?
Michael: It's Mom. Hide.
Gob: You brought up money earlier. I actually would like to borrow some.
Michael: No.
Lucille: Michael?
Gob: He's in here, Mom.
Michael: Come on.
[after Lucille gives Maeby a jeweled elephant brooch that Lindsay was supposed to inherit]
Lindsay Funke: That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma. You know I wanted that.
Lucille Bluth: I know. But it's an elephant and I didn't want to invite the comparison.
Lindsay Funke: That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma. You know I wanted that.
Lucille Bluth: I know. But it's an elephant and I didn't want to invite the comparison.
George Michael: Yeah, Ann loves eggs. Sometimes, she puts mayonnaise in her mouth, then she puts the egg in there and does this
[Imitates pushing an egg around in his mouth]
George Michael: She calls it a "mayonegg!"
George Michael: [pause]
[to Michael]
George Michael: Are you ok?
Michael: Yeah, I don't feel so good.
[Imitates pushing an egg around in his mouth]
George Michael: She calls it a "mayonegg!"
George Michael: [pause]
[to Michael]
George Michael: Are you ok?
Michael: Yeah, I don't feel so good.
[after the publicist has just told the family that Michael is the most likeable member of the family]
Publicist: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.
Tobias Fünke: Well, that leaves me out.
[silence, everyone stares]
Tobias Fünke: She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single.
Publicist: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.
Tobias Fünke: Well, that leaves me out.
[silence, everyone stares]
Tobias Fünke: She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single.
Lindsay Funke: Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band solution was a nightmare.
Michael: Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had.
Lindsay Funke: Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab.
Michael: Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better.
Lindsay Funke: For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had.
Michael: Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had.
Lindsay Funke: Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab.
Michael: Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better.
Lindsay Funke: For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had.
Michael: [At Police Station, on phone to Lucille] They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip.
Lucille: Why can't the girl at work do it?
Michael: Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.
Lucille: Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.
Lindsay Funke: [Enters room] Find out what?
Lucille: Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.
Lindsay Funke: He is? That's horrible.
[Exits]
Lucille: [to Michael] Do I know my daughter?
Lucille: Why can't the girl at work do it?
Michael: Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.
Lucille: Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.
Lindsay Funke: [Enters room] Find out what?
Lucille: Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.
Lindsay Funke: He is? That's horrible.
[Exits]
Lucille: [to Michael] Do I know my daughter?
Michael: I thought I got rid of GOB, but Dad puts him right back in the business.
Lindsay Funke: You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.
Michael: You and half of Orange County.
Narrator: As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70".
Lindsay Funke: You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.
Michael: You and half of Orange County.
Narrator: As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70".
Michael Bluth: I need you to do something to my mom that I cannot do. Maybe some Afternoon Delight.
Oscar: Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes.
Michael Bluth: I don't want any details...
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie...
Michael Bluth: Hey.
Oscar: Ah. Now the question is, how do I get it in her?
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannibus called "Afternoon Delight". It was known for the ability to slow down reflexes.
Michael Bluth: I don't want any details...
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie...
Michael Bluth: Hey.
George Sr.: [pleading his case to the Mexican police] Wait a minute, I'm not Oscar, I'm George.
Prison guard: The Cornballer.
George Sr.: Si, si, the cornballer.
[the Mexican guards show George Sr. their scarred arms from using the Cornballer]
Narrator: George Sr. had been marketing a device called "The Cornballer" in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.
[footage of George Sr. strangling Richard Simmons]
Prison guard: The Cornballer.
George Sr.: Si, si, the cornballer.
[the Mexican guards show George Sr. their scarred arms from using the Cornballer]
Narrator: George Sr. had been marketing a device called "The Cornballer" in Mexico after the severe burns it caused led to it being banned in the U.S.
[footage of George Sr. strangling Richard Simmons]
[Gob has gotten George Michael to break in and steal company records]
George Sr.: You got my 14-year-old grandson do this?
Gob: Under 18 walks out clean.
George Sr.: Listen, um... there's a very strict "no touching policy" here. But, um... oh, what the hell, it's worth a week in the hot box.
[Hits Gob]
Prison guard: No touching.
George Sr.: You stupid ass.
George Sr.: You got my 14-year-old grandson do this?
Gob: Under 18 walks out clean.
George Sr.: Listen, um... there's a very strict "no touching policy" here. But, um... oh, what the hell, it's worth a week in the hot box.
[Hits Gob]
Prison guard: No touching.
George Sr.: You stupid ass.
[Buster reveals that he made George Michael get pot from Gob for him]
Buster: It-it's for my girlfriend. She's sick.
Gob: Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon.
Buster: Oh, that's it.
[starts hitting Gob]
Buster: Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself?
Buster: It-it's for my girlfriend. She's sick.
Gob: Why don't you just wait it out? She's gonna be gone soon.
Buster: Oh, that's it.
[starts hitting Gob]
Buster: Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself? Why are YOU hitting yourself?
Lindsay Funke: I hate to say it, but Michael might be right. You need to learn a little discipline.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Hmm. Nope. That doesn't feel right.
Lindsay Funke: No, no, no. I am telling you. You are now punished. I punish thee.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Are you serious? What could you possibly come up with that would punish me?
Lindsay Funke: Oh, I have to come up with another thing?
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Hmm. Nope. That doesn't feel right.
Lindsay Funke: No, no, no. I am telling you. You are now punished. I punish thee.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Are you serious? What could you possibly come up with that would punish me?
Lindsay Funke: Oh, I have to come up with another thing?
George Michael Bluth: I came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team this year.
Michael Bluth: It's a league requirement.
Narrator: One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[shows GOB lying on top of a woman]
Narrator: And in the fifth.
[shows GOB following one of the female players]
Narrator: Oh, and before the game.
[shows GOB pouring water over the female players]
Michael Bluth: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.
Michael Bluth: It's a league requirement.
Narrator: One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[shows GOB lying on top of a woman]
Narrator: And in the fifth.
[shows GOB following one of the female players]
Narrator: Oh, and before the game.
[shows GOB pouring water over the female players]
Michael Bluth: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.
Tobias Fünke: I want my family back. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to reunite the band.
Michael: Oh, no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
Michael: Oh, no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne acqusition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.
[flashback to George Sr. driving a younger Michael, Gob, and Buster]
George Sr.: We're out of milk. I could have got it earlier if someone would have left a note.
[suddenly he runs down J. Walter Weatherman and his fake arm comes off]
George Sr.: [poorly acting] Why? If someone had left a note, this innocent man would still have his arm. Why?
[the kids scream as Weatherman comes up to them]
J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you always leave a note.
George Sr.: We're out of milk. I could have got it earlier if someone would have left a note.
[suddenly he runs down J. Walter Weatherman and his fake arm comes off]
George Sr.: [poorly acting] Why? If someone had left a note, this innocent man would still have his arm. Why?
[the kids scream as Weatherman comes up to them]
J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you always leave a note.
[Tobias is directing George Michael and Maeby in the school play]
Tobias Fünke: Look, you are playing adults...
[Tobias falls out of his chair]
Tobias Fünke: [to nearby student] Pick that up. Pick that up, please.
Tobias Fünke: ...with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
Tobias Fünke: Look, you are playing adults...
[Tobias falls out of his chair]
Tobias Fünke: [to nearby student] Pick that up. Pick that up, please.
Tobias Fünke: ...with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.
Lucille: Buster. Thank God you're back. There's no shame in being a coward.
Buster: A coward? I'm not a coward. Would I coward have THIS?
[holds out a stuffed seal]
Lucille: What the hell is that?
Buster: These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand racing.
Buster: A coward? I'm not a coward. Would I coward have THIS?
[holds out a stuffed seal]
Lucille: What the hell is that?
Buster: These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship and the gorilla is for sand racing.
Michael: Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob: Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster: She's better than the whores you date.
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it.
Gob: I don't date whores.
Lindsay Funke: Stop it, both of you. This objectification of women has got to stop.
Michael: It's just Mom and whores.
Gob: Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster: She's better than the whores you date.
Gob: Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster: Mom's still got it.
Gob: I don't date whores.
Lindsay Funke: Stop it, both of you. This objectification of women has got to stop.
Michael: It's just Mom and whores.
Buster: [about Lucille] It's like she gets off on being witholding.
Michael: Whoa. Buster.
Gob: Look who's got something to say.
Buster: [impersonating Lucille] I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself.
[everyone laughs]
Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady.
Buster: Cause I'm an uptight
[long bleep]
Buster: Buster
[Long bleep]
Buster: ... you old horny slut.
Michael: [pause] Well, no one's going to top that.
Michael: Whoa. Buster.
Gob: Look who's got something to say.
Buster: [impersonating Lucille] I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself.
[everyone laughs]
Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady.
Buster: Cause I'm an uptight
[long bleep]
Buster: Buster
[Long bleep]
Buster: ... you old horny slut.
Michael: [pause] Well, no one's going to top that.
Lucille Bluth: I'm going to Annyong's soccer awards ceremony, and...
Annyong: Annyong.
[everyone glares at Annyong]
Lucille Bluth: ...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
Gob: Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not...
Annyong: Annyong.
Gob: [screaming] ... would somebody *please* tell this insufferable child to... GOD.
Annyong: Annyong.
[everyone glares at Annyong]
Lucille Bluth: ...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
Gob: Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not...
Annyong: Annyong.
Gob: [screaming] ... would somebody *please* tell this insufferable child to... GOD.
Lindsay Funke: [discussing Michael's dislike of George Michael's girlfriend] You know, maybe if you stopped judging her, he'd trust you. Look, if you say no, you're just going to drive him right to her.
George Michael Bluth: Hey, Dad, can you drive me to Ann's?
Michael: Nnnn... Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes.
George Michael Bluth: Great. I'll wait in the car.
Michael: I don't think that worked.
George Michael Bluth: Hey, Dad, can you drive me to Ann's?
Michael: Nnnn... Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes.
George Michael Bluth: Great. I'll wait in the car.
Michael: I don't think that worked.
Kitty: The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now.
[whispers]
Kitty: He's famous.
Michael: That's great.
Kitty: I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say... that he was on... "Night Court."
Michael: Well, you look great...
Kitty: ...I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.
Michael: I got it...
Kitty: ...and he's white.
Michael: I know who it is.
[whispers]
Kitty: He's famous.
Michael: That's great.
Kitty: I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say... that he was on... "Night Court."
Michael: Well, you look great...
Kitty: ...I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.
Michael: I got it...
Kitty: ...and he's white.
Michael: I know who it is.
Michael: My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something I can't give her, um... maybe a little "afternoon delight".
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar: Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael: I don't need any details.
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie
Michael: Hey.
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar: Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael: I don't need any details.
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie
Michael: Hey.
Gob: Ok, ok, ok. So should, should, should, should, should, shhhhshsh, should, should...
Michael: Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob: Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today.
Gob: [subtitle: earlier that day... ]
[Gob talking to Bluth employees about sexual harassment]
Gob: Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office
[bleep]
Gob: ing, or
[bleep]
Gob: ing, or finger
[bleep]
Gob: , or
[bleep]
Gob: sting, or
[bleep]
Gob: esting or
[bleep]
Gob: eing or even
[bleep]
Gob: . Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll
[bleep]
Gob: , and I'll personally
[really long bleep]
Gob: .
Michael: Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob: Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today.
Gob: [subtitle: earlier that day... ]
[Gob talking to Bluth employees about sexual harassment]
Gob: Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office
[bleep]
Gob: ing, or
[bleep]
Gob: ing, or finger
[bleep]
Gob: , or
[bleep]
Gob: sting, or
[bleep]
Gob: esting or
[bleep]
Gob: eing or even
[bleep]
Gob: . Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll
[bleep]
Gob: , and I'll personally
[really long bleep]
Gob: .
Narrator: Gob had just blown up a car.
Gob: [with Lucille 2] Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?
Lucille Austero: What you did to me at lunch today... You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
Lucille Austero: I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
Gob: How can you say that? Shh. Thought I heard my mom.
[whispers]
Gob: How can you say that?
Gob: [with Lucille 2] Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?
Lucille Austero: What you did to me at lunch today... You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
Lucille Austero: I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
Gob: How can you say that? Shh. Thought I heard my mom.
[whispers]
Gob: How can you say that?
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob: No. Your sister's husband.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Michael? Michael.
Wife of Gob: No. That's your sister's brother.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: To be with your brother?
Wife of Gob: No.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob: No. Your sister's husband.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Michael? Michael.
Wife of Gob: No. That's your sister's brother.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: To be with your brother?
Wife of Gob: No.
Lindsay Funke: I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.
Lindsay Funke: That's my point, you...
[sees Mabey]
Lindsay Funke: ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias Fünke: Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun-
[Notices Mabey]
Tobias Fünke: ... try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.
Lindsay Funke: That's my point, you...
[sees Mabey]
Lindsay Funke: ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias Fünke: Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun-
[Notices Mabey]
Tobias Fünke: ... try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby.
Lindsay Funke: [Trying to set Michael up with Ms Barely] Well, I think she's perfect for you.
Michael: For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type.
Lindsay Funke: Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept.
Michael: For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type.
Lindsay Funke: Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept.
George Michael Bluth: [George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher] I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?
Lindsay Funke: She's interesting... and pretty?
George Michael Bluth: Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay Funke: Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay Funke: There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael Bluth: You're my aunt.
Lindsay Funke: That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George Michael Bluth: Yikes.
Lindsay Funke: She's interesting... and pretty?
George Michael Bluth: Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay Funke: Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay Funke: There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael Bluth: You're my aunt.
Lindsay Funke: That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George Michael Bluth: Yikes.
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