Arrested Development

Arrested Development Quotes

Level-headed son Michael Bluth takes over family affairs after his father is imprisoned. But the rest of his spoiled, dysfunctional family are making his job unbearable.

Tobias Fünke: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.
Tobias Fünke: So what are your plans for this evening?
Bob Loblaw: I thought that maybe I would stay in and work on my law blog.
Tobias Fünke: Ah, yes. The "Bob Loblaw Law Blog". You, sir, are a mouthful.
[repeated line]
Gob: I've made a huge mistake.
Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George Michael Bluth: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.
Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias Fünke: It's out of context.
Tobias Fünke: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias Fünke: Tobias, you blowhard.
[chuckles]
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold T-shaped pendants?
Michael: That's a cross.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Across from where?
Michael: I really think the reason you and I always fight is that, since we were little, Dad's always played us off each other.
Gob: Dad always said that was your fault.
Rita: And they think the stupidest things are funny.
Michael Bluth: Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey. That's the name of the show.
Michael: Tell me the truth. There's been a lot of lying in this family
Lucille: And a lot of love.
Michael: More lies.
Buster: [Confronting Lucille about his birth father] You lied to me... you said my FATHER was my father, but my UNCLE is my father. MY FATHER IS MY UNCLE.
[Michael has found his brother, Gob, hidden in his office]
Michael: One of those British guys came up to me and told me to back off. I can't believe it, but Dad may have been telling the truth. This may be dangerous.
Gob: So you came back here to hide like a child.
Michael: What are you doing locked in my office, exactly?
Gob: Hiding from a child. Big difference.
Michael: Gob, Steve Holt is your son. He probably just feels a connection.
Gob: He doesn't know what he feels. I'm tired of being told - my God. What is this feeling?
[Schmaltzy music begins to play]
Michael: You know, the feeling that you're feeling is just what many of us call... a "feeling".
Gob: It's not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it's the opposite - it's like my heart is getting hard.
[the music reaches its crescendo]
Gob: Maybe I am ready to be a father.
[Tobias discovers that George Sr. has been living in the attic]
Tobias Fünke: What are you doing up here?
George Sr.: I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here. You tell anyone, you are DEAD.
[he shoves Tobias up against the wall with his hand against his mouth]
George Sr.: Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass.
[repeated line]
Michael: [in reference to Ann] Her?
Gob: [talking about his new boat] The Seaward.
Michael: You're not getting a boat.
Gob: [doing rock, paper, scissors] One, two, three.
Michael: You're not gonna do it...
[does rock]
Michael: .
Gob: Paper covers rock.
Michael: Fine, but rock sinks boat.
Lucille: [entering room] Michael.
Michael: Just a minute mom.
[to GOB]
Michael: . Get rid of the Seaward.
Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready.
Tobias Fünke: Don't leave your uncle T-Bag hanging.
George Michael Bluth: Please don't call yourself that.
Michael: I'm sure Egg is a great person.
George Michael Bluth: It's... it's Ann.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.
Steve Holt: I've made a huge mistake.
Gob: I know the feeling. I had you. I'm your father, Steve Holt. I can't hide from it any more.
Steve Holt: I won't forget this... Dad.
Gob: [swallows roofie] I will. I will.
Michael: I burned it. Down to the ground.
George Sr.: There was money in that banana stand.
Michael: Well, it's all gone now.
George Sr.: There was $250,000 lining the inside walls of the banana stand.
Michael: What?
George Sr.: Cash, Michael. What the hell did you think I meant when I said...
[strangles Michael]
George Sr.: [yells] There is money... in... the banana stand.
Prison guard: [George Sr. quickly takes his hands off Michael] No Touching.
George Sr.: No touching.
Prison guard: No touching.
Michael Bluth: [calling from prison, taking about his brother, Gob] I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
Lucille: You would do that to your brother?
Michael Bluth: I said "cot".
Gob: Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio.
Spanish actor: Como?
Gob: Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.
Tobias Fünke: [as Mrs. Featherbottom] O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth?
[laughs]
Tobias Fünke: Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a *sausage* in the mouth.
Michael: We just call it a sausage.
Lucille: You tricked me.
Michael: I *deceived* you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
Tobias Fünke: Michael, you are quite the cupid. You can stick an arrow in my buttocks any time.
Tobias Funke: Where the fuck are my hard-boiled eggs?
George Sr.: What is this is they have on me? You keep talking about a fact. You keep saying "I know for a fact." What fact?
Cindi Lightballoon: Faith. I have faith my prayers will free you.
George Sr.: Faith is not a fact.
Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, yes it is. You said so yourself in Caged Wisdom.
Narrator: George, Sr. had said faith is a fact. Unfortunately, it was in the Caged Wisdom blooper bonus footage.
George Sr.: Faith is a fact. No, faith is a facet. I almost said faith is a fact.
George Sr.: [in the present] I am going to trial because you don't understand what a blooper reel is?
[repeated line after Buster gets a prosthetic hook]
Buster: I'm a monster.
Michael: What do you think of when you hear the name, "Sudden Valley"?
George Michael Bluth: Salad dressing. But for some reason, I don't want to eat it.
Michael: What about, "Paradise Gardens"?
George Michael Bluth: Yeah... I can see marinating a chicken from that.
Michael Bluth: Do you know what they do to people who commit treason?
George Sr.: First time.
Michael Bluth: I've never heard of a second.
George Sr.: I got the worst
[bleep]
George Sr.: -ing attorneys.
J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you always leave a note.
Tobias Fünke: No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
Buster: It wasn't really the pronunciation that bothered me.
[Lucille replaces Lupe with a robot vacuum cleaner, then catches Buster in bed with it]
Buster: Well, what do you expect, mother?
[holds up his hook]
Buster: I'm half machine. I'm a monster.
Transvestite Store Clerk: Are you going to actually buy something this time, or are you just curious?
Tobias Fünke: Well, let's just say that I'm buy-curious.
Gob: Tell you what we're gonna do: "Rock Paper Scissors" for it.
Michael: No, no I'm not...
Gob: One, two, three. Paper covers rock.
Michael: It is a rock, though. Should beat everything.
Gob: There's not a lot of logic to it. It's kind of like on a boat with "Women and children first." I mean, why should they...
Wayne Jarvis: I have a picture taken by a traffic camera of you escorting your father.
[hands it to Michael]
Barry Zuckerkorn: Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.
Tobias Fünke: [footage of Tobias trying on a Speedo with his cut-offs on] Excuse me, do these effectively hide my thunder?
Michael: Are you serious?
Wayne Jarvis: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.
J. Walter Weatherman: And that's why you don't yell.
[Tobias is trying to impress Maeby by buying some leather]
Tobias Fünke: I'm looking for something that says "Dad likes leather".
Salesman: You mean... Leather Daddy?
Lindsay Funke: Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael Bluth: That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay Funke: [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael Bluth: What is that? Is that a chicken?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: What's this?
Lindsay Funke: Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael Bluth: No, I'm not.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael Bluth: Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
George Sr.: I think it's a mistake letting George Michael go on this church thing.
Michael: Her name is Ann, Dad, and he's not "going on" her.
Gob: I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and fuck me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.
Michael: You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob: Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob: Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.
[repeated line]
Kitty: It's the last time you'll see these.
[flashes Michael]
Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
Gob: You drive a hard bargain, but I'm the President of the Bluth company, and I decline.
[turns to Sitwell]
Gob: You look surprised.
Stan Sitwell: [adjusts his eyebrows] Must've put 'em on wrong.
Michael: There's more to life than strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?
Gob: It's not real blood. It's corn syrup and red dye... juice.
Buster: There's unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook.
Gob: If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I'd leap across the table and...
[he unzips his pants]
Gob: Ah, what the hell...
Michael: I think that's just as good of a time as any to end the meeting.
George Sr.: I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.
Lindsay Funke: What?
George Sr.: Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay Funke: Stabbed?
George Sr.: In a way. I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering obscenities at my... my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.
Lindsay Funke: [Touched] That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me.
Maebe: All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy.
Lindsay Funke: You're right. I'll just throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.
Narrator: Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival, Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well...
Gob: 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
Narrator: ...his ideas failed to evolve.
Gob: It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
Stan Sitwell: Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator: But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob: How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in.
Gob: This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in
[bleep]
Gob: City.
Stan Sitwell: You're fired.
Gob: Michael, I'm your big brother. I'll never be impressed with you.
Michael: Yes, this is Michael Bluth for Barry.
Barry Zuckerkorn: [to his secretary] I'm not here.
Barry's Secretary: Barry's not in right now. Would you like to leave her a message?
Michael: Yeah, tell her she needs to whisper a little softer next time, AND I'm not paying for this phone call.
Barry Zuckerkorn: I am not a girl, you...
Barry's Secretary: [pulls out a tape recorder] Go ahead, call me something. I'm redecorating my kitchen.
Narrator: [Tobias is covered in blue paint and is walking at dusk] Tobias went to a tryout for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen.
[Tobias is run over by Barry]
Narrator: Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he wasn't seen.
[the Bluths have hired Andy Griffith to sit in on George Sr's hearing]
Lindsay Funke: Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer.
[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck]
Lindsay Funke: He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator: They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough.
Gob: I'm filling Dad's shoes, now, Michael. Literally. Well, the shoes didn't fit but at least I got into Dad's pants.
[everyone looks at GOB]
Gob: And I also had to have the crotch taken up a little.
[Tobias creating buzz around the water cooler]
Tobias Fünke: That Funke is some kind of something. Boy, this Funke is all anybody's ever talking about. So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Funke is. Overrated.
Maebe: So, you killed Kitty, huh?
Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
[whoops and hollers heard from the conference room]
Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
Maebe: Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [noticing Tobias dressed in all leather] Didnt you get a job or something?
Tobias Fünke: No, no I didnt. Unless... you consider "World's Coolest Daddy" a job.
White Power Bill: White Power!
[as he stabs Gob in the kidney]
Gob: But I'm white!
Tobias Fünke: [while at a western-themed resort] Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.
Michael: My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall hide behind the couch.
[and he does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.
Gob: Is that George Michael's girlfriend? What is she funny or something?
Narrator: While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...
Tobias Fünke: [after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
Lindsay Funke: Uh... I didn't contact any agency.
Tobias Fünke: But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
Narrator: And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
Tobias Fünke: A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
[repeated line]
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Marry me.
Michael: [after George Sr. has been handed a jail sentence] They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out.
[silence amongst the family]
Michael: Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen...
[everyone gasps]
Michael: ...Interesting. I would have expected that after "They're keeping Dad in jail."
Tobias Fünke: Come on, Lindsay. We've had some great times.
[a white screen appears with text reading: "Footage not found."]
Dave Attell: [discussing Tobias with Carl Weathers] Whoa, this guy's straight?
[holds up a pair of Tobias' cut-offs]
Dave Attell: Then, what am I wearing these for?
Barry Zuckerkorn: So basically you're about 2,000 shares short of being the majority stock holders. Now unfortunately it's a private stock so you can not just buy up the shares unless someone is willing to sell
Michael: Are you sure?
Barry Zuckerkorn: That's what it said on 'Ask Jeeves'
Lucille Bluth: I'll be in the hospital bar.
Michael Bluth: Uhh, you know, there isn't a hospital bar, mother.
Lucille Bluth: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
Gob: [while giving a lecture on office sexual harassment policies] Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any inter-office
[bleep]
Gob: and
[bleep]
Gob: and finger
[bleep]
Gob: and
[long bleep]
Gob: or even
[bleep]
Gob: . Even though so many of us are *begging* for it. Oh, and if anyone lays a finger on my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll show you my
[bleep]
Gob: and I'll personally
[long bleep]
Gob: .
George Sr.: Soak the puppet's mouth with ether, and have Franklin give Lucille a kiss to knock her out.
Gob: [as Franklin] I ain't kissin' that ol' bitch.
George Sr.: [starts to choke Franklin] That's my wife, you bastard.
Gob: Dad, that's my wrist.
[as George Sr. chokes Gob]
Gob: Hey, that's his neck.
Michael: [talking to Lindsay as Tobias enters] Tobias doesn't do anything around here.
Tobias Fünke: Well excuuuuuuuse meeeee.
[Tobias looks down defeated looking]
Tobias Fünke: Excuse me.
[walks off crying]
George Michael Bluth: Say what you want about America, thirteen bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice!
Gob: [arms crossed] Then there's me. The joker. The goofball. The magician.
[quickly makes a magician's gesture with his hands]
Michael: I thought you were gonna do a little fireball there.
Gob: I was. It didn't go off.
Tobias Fünke: Do you see me more as the respected dramatic actor or more of the beloved comic actor?
Carl Weathers: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you've got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: Yes, that's fine, but I would like to focus on my acting, Mr. Weathers. I did give you my last $1, 100.
Carl Weathers: Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, Hot Ice with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup... baby, I got a stew going.
Tobias Fünke: [pause] I think I'd like my money back.
Buster: We're excavating a pterodactyl.
[plainly shows a human skull; Buster accidentally hits and breaks it with a hammer]
Buster: That was 90% gravity.
Gob: [Gob's wife has served him divorce papers] And now she's stomping on my heart.
Michael Bluth: What's her first name? Quickly.
Gob: [flustered] Crindee.
Michael Bluth: Name's not Crindee, Gob.
Gob: [Reads papers] Ah, Saul Zetzmann. Nope. That's her lawyer. Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Amy, I'll call her "Blame-y."
Michael Bluth: That's a strong defense.
Lucille: You idiots. If your father sees me here with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne Jarvis: I shall hide behind that garbage car.
[and does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.
Lucille: [shrieking at a waiter] Take it back. If I wanted something your thumb touched I'd eat the inside of your ear.
Buster: My Army training tells me... that this is going to be a hot mission.
Michael: What? A hot mission?
Buster: Yes. I create a diversion, and you grab George Michael and go. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother".
Michael: No, le-let's try to top that.
Narrator: They never did, and later, "Operation Hot Mother" was underway.
George Sr.: [via satellite from prison] Sorry, some of my students are arguing the significance of the shankbone on the seder plate. But we do not - not wag our genitals at one another to make a point.
Michael: I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay Funke: From the Nazis?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: [walks in on George-Michael kissing his cousin, Maeby] Dad's going to be crushed.
George Michael Bluth: [nervously] You don't have to tell him!
Carl Weathers: [about Burger King] I'm going to go get a drink refill. You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want... and it's free?
Tobias Fünke: It's a wonderful restaurant.
Narrator: It sure is.
Steve Holt: Your mom seems pretty cool.
Maebe: That's not my mom.
Steve Holt: ...but she said you were her daughter.
Maebe: His daughter. It's my dad.
Steve Holt: That's a dude?
Maebe: And the worst part is? He thinks he's passing.
Lindsay Funke: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay Funke: That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
Lucille: Mine was better.
Tobias Fünke: I don't do nudity.
[holding up a pair of cut-off jeans]
Tobias Fünke: Why do you think I wear these?
George Michael: I was never really clear on that.
[repeated lines]
Lucille: You're high.
Oscar: You're drunk.
[Tobias has painted himself blue]
Tobias Funke: I blue myself.
Michael Bluth: There has got to be a better way to say that.
Tobias Fünke: [while rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character] Say something that will terrify me.
Lindsay Funke: Fuck me.
Tobias Fünke: No, that didn't do it.
George Sr.: Listen... Let him go. Let your son go.
Michael: I can't do that, Dad. He needs me.
George Sr.: Michael, you don't want to make the same mistake your mom made with Buster.
Michael: Yeah, boy. What happened there?
George Sr.: I really don't know. Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I-I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So... he turned out a little soft, you know, a little doughy.
[Buster yawns next to him]
George Sr.: I don't know, maybe it was my fault. Maybe, uh, maybe I just ignored the guy.
[Buster finishes yawning although George Sr is ignoring him]
Buster: Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?
Michael: Yeah, I got to let my son go.
[upon seeing GOB's banana stand "mascots"]
George Michael: Are those strippers?
Michael: If I know your uncle, they're at least strippers.
Narrator: For the first time, Lucille prays...
Lucille: [Praying] Take something else from us. Do whatever you have to to keep my boy from going to war.
Narrator: And Buster is on his way when he decides to pursue a long-delayed rite of passage...
[Buster swims in the ocean]
Person: Loose seal. Watch out for loose seal.
Buster: [Thinking he means Lucille] I don't care about Lucille. She lies.
Narrator: ...and then a seal bites off his hand.
Lucille: Amen.
Rita: But I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised.
[after watching Rita walk across the pool]
Michael: Gob, was that your trick?
Gob: No, Michael, that's not my trick.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development:
Gob: [shouts] It's my illusion.
General Garvey: [Lucille is trying to get Buster out of combat by visiting the General, an old boyfriend of hers from her USO days] I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.
Lucille: Is there anything *I* can do?
General Garvey: Well, maybe if you go?
[leans back in his chair]
General Garvey: ?downtown.
Lucille: [grins] Oh, I haven't done that in thirty years.
[pauses, then sings]
Lucille: When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown.
Buster: Why should I have to sit and cheer Annyong? Annyong never cheers me.
Annyong: Go Fatty.
[Buster lunges at him and they fight]
Lucille: Stop it. He's your little brother.
Buster: No he isn't. I came out of you, he didn't.
Lucille: I bought it using the new unfrozen stock as soon as I received the memo.
Michael Bluth: You mean, the memo that specifically told you not to sell?
Lucille: Did it say that? I stopped after "unfrozen."
Michael: I wonder how I can talk you out of ever making that face again.
Tobias Fünke: If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: But it wasn't.
Michael Bluth: Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay Funke: [obviously under the influence] Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael Bluth: Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke: Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael Bluth: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke: Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.
Narrator: After being arrested, George Sr. found a loophole in the Mexican judicial system...
George Sr.: [holds up wad of cash] I have...
[clears throat]
George Sr.: ... I have money
Tobias Fünke: So fill each one of these bags with some glitter, my photo resume, some candy, and a note.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: [reading one of the notes] "I know where you live, ha, ha." Casting directors hate this.
Narrator: They really do.
Casting Director: [shows a casting director's office] The glitteratti has struck again.
[reading the resume]
Casting Director: Never hire Tobias Funke.
Lindsay Funke: [to Michael] GOB doesnt do anything for the family.
Gob: Hey, I'm fucking Lucille 2.
Lindsay Funke: Or I could do something like that.
[repeated line]
Maebe: That was a freebie.
Buster: Hey, brother.
Lucille Bluth: I'm going to Annyong's soccer awards ceremony, and...
Annyong: Annyong.
[everyone glares at Annyong]
Lucille Bluth: ...and I don't need the other soccer moms knowing how old my first batch of kids are.
Gob: Yeah, I think that they're gonna know that Annyong's not...
Annyong: Annyong.
Gob: [screaming] ... would somebody *please* tell this insufferable child to... GOD.
Lucille: Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason.
George Sr.: Got her to stop drinking, didn't it?
Michael: My mom is very stressed out, and she needs something I can't give her, um... maybe a little "afternoon delight".
Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named Afternoon Deelite, a strain famous for slowing behavior.
Oscar: Well sure, my question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
Michael: I don't need any details.
Oscar: Maybe I'll put it in her brownie
Michael: Hey.
Lindsay Funke: [discussing Michael's dislike of George Michael's girlfriend] You know, maybe if you stopped judging her, he'd trust you. Look, if you say no, you're just going to drive him right to her.
George Michael Bluth: Hey, Dad, can you drive me to Ann's?
Michael: Nnnn... Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes.
George Michael Bluth: Great. I'll wait in the car.
Michael: I don't think that worked.
Kitty: The program has changed my life. And I have a sponsor now.
[whispers]
Kitty: He's famous.
Michael: That's great.
Kitty: I can't tell you who he is, but let's just say... that he was on... "Night Court."
Michael: Well, you look great...
Kitty: ...I can tell you who it's NOT. It's not Bull. It's not Harry Anderson.
Michael: I got it...
Kitty: ...and he's white.
Michael: I know who it is.
Man at Bar: You're married to Carl Weathers? Shit.
Lucille: Start the bidding at $10,000. If the bidding increases, shout out something like "I get her 364 days a year for free.".
Michael: I'm not going to say that.
George Sr.: Don't get involved. Believe me. When I thought your first wife was pulling us apart, I did not make a stink.
Michael: You complained all the time and she was my only wife and she died.
George Sr.: Well, see? Things have a way of working themselves out.
Gob: George Michael... Lets deal some drugs.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke: I'm going to start acting like a kid now.
Gob: Ok, ok, ok. So should, should, should, should, should, shhhhshsh, should, should...
Michael: Well, do it your way, I'm just here to have fun.
Gob: Not too much fun, all right? I already gave my big sexual harassment speech today.
Gob: [subtitle: earlier that day... ]
[Gob talking to Bluth employees about sexual harassment]
Gob: Please refrain from discussing or engaging in any sort of inter-office
[bleep]
Gob: ing, or
[bleep]
Gob: ing, or finger
[bleep]
Gob: , or
[bleep]
Gob: sting, or
[bleep]
Gob: esting or
[bleep]
Gob: eing or even
[bleep]
Gob: . Even though so many people in this office are begging for it. And if anybody does anything with my sister Lindsay, I'll take off my pants, I'll
[bleep]
Gob: , and I'll personally
[really long bleep]
Gob: .
Lindsay Funke: [after having met popular actor Moses Taylor, who plays detective Frank Wrench] I'm going to go see if I cant get a wrench to strip my nuts.
[pause, everyone stares]
Lindsay Funke: I thought it sounded sexy.
Lucille Bluth: Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out?
Gob: She's not "*that* Mexican," Mom, she's "*my* Mexican." And she's Colombian or something.
Michael Bluth: That's why people don't typically cook in these things or install them in attics. Besides, you made me look very foolish in front of Sally Sitwell.
George Sr.: Did you stick it to her?
Michael Bluth: No. You screwed that up just like you screwed up this hot tub.
[getting off the phone with George Sr]
Michael: What'd he say?
George Michael: Well, if I clean it up, it really isn't a sentence.
George Michael Bluth: What's with Steve Holt and your mom?
Maebe: Oh, I gave him the impression that she was a tranny.
Lucille: Oscar says that this walk, "Recharges his chi." I call it, "An excuse for him to score more pot and wave his ass at the co-eds".
Steve Holt: Beatrice.
Narrator: Gob had just blown up a car.
Gob: [with Lucille 2] Next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was if something were to ever happen to me, how sad I'd be, you know?
Lucille Austero: What you did to me at lunch today... You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No. I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
Lucille Austero: I'm sorry, but you have no courage.
Gob: How can you say that? Shh. Thought I heard my mom.
[whispers]
Gob: How can you say that?
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
Wife of Gob: No. Your sister's husband.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Michael? Michael.
Wife of Gob: No. That's your sister's brother.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: No, I'm my sister's brother.You're in love with me? Me.
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: My brother-in-law?
Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: To be with your brother?
Wife of Gob: No.
George Sr.: You should have seen the face he made when - well, he's my twin brother, I'll show you.
Lindsay Funke: I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
Tobias Fünke: Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.
Lindsay Funke: That's my point, you...
[sees Mabey]
Lindsay Funke: ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias Fünke: Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun-
[Notices Mabey]
Tobias Fünke: ... try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby.
Lindsay: What was all that about?
Michael Bluth: I think Buster's planning to flee to Mexico.
George Michael Bluth: [George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher] I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?
Lindsay Funke: She's interesting... and pretty?
George Michael Bluth: Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay Funke: Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay Funke: There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael Bluth: You're my aunt.
Lindsay Funke: That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George Michael Bluth: Yikes.
Narrator: [Michael argues with GOB over who should do the ribbon-cutting ceremony] George Sr. had always done the ribbon-cutting ceremony, even for the Orange County Prison, which he built, and later, ironically, would occupy.
Lindsay Funke: [Trying to set Michael up with Ms Barely] Well, I think she's perfect for you.
Michael: For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type.
Lindsay Funke: Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael: Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept.
Annyong: Okay, Mom want someone to come with her to my soccar game. She don't want other soccar moms think she single. She old school.
Michael: I liked it better when he just said Annyong.
Tobias Fünke: Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob: Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke: Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke: You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth: What?
Lindsay Funke: ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth: I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator: None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
Michael Bluth: You know what you do? You go buy yourself a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. You might be surprised at some of your phrasing.
Tobias Fünke: Butterscotch. Wanna lick?
Gob: Well, I'm not the president, so I dont deserve a fancy phone.
Tobias Fünke: Well, the Blue Man Group may need me, and I *do* deserve a fancy phone.
Narrator: They didn't.
[Tobias flips his phone across the room]
Narrator: And he doesn't.
Buster: Oh, my God, she's after our money.
Michael: No, we don't have any money.
Buster: Oh, my God, she's already taken our money.
Lindsey: Nana's fine, she's been dead for six months.
George Michael Bluth: Don't you always say "family first"?
Michael: Yes, I do. But that is not a family. Okay? They're a bunch of greedy, selfish people who have our nose. And Aunt Lindsay.
George Michael Bluth: She's not my real aunt?
Michael: Not her real nose. Got a picture of her when she was 14 in a swimming cap. She looks like a falcon.
Narrator: [as Tobias prepares himself] Tobias had recently auditioned for a role as a member of the silent performance trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias Fünke: And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie".
[piano cues up the song]
Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.
Narrator: What Dave Attell was trying to portray was the fact that Tobias was never able to be completely naked, but it was lost on the audience due to the narrator's shoddy delivery.
[Lindsay walks into the Ten Commandments and breaks her shoe]
Lucille: They're just heels, honey. They can only support so much weight.
[Gob has slept with a teacher he thought Michael liked]
Michael: Gob, Ms. Whitehead was the civics teacher. We both had her.
Gob: Yes we did, and now we're even.