Down-and-out former professional ping-pong phenom, Randy Daytona, is sucked into a maelstrom when FBI Agent Ernie Rodriguez recruits him for a secret mission. Randy is determined to bounce back and win, and to smoke out his father's killer -- arch-fiend Feng.

Agent Ernie Rodriquez: I'm from the FBI.
Randy Daytona: Whoa man. I didn't mean to kill that guy. How was I supposed to know he had a bad heart?
Agent Ernie Rodriquez: Hey. I'm not here for that. I thought that was part of the act. Until the paramedics came I was laughing my ass off.
Master Wong: Ping Pong... is not the macarena. It takes patience. She is like a fine, well-aged prostitute... it takes years to learn her tricks.
[chuckles]
Master Wong: She is cruel, laughs at you when you are naked, but you keep coming back for more, and more! Why? Because she is the only prostitute I can afford.
Gary: [the building is about to self destruct] I'm gonna save the panda!
[runs offscreen]
Gary: Ahhh!
[runs back on screen]
Gary: Panda's dead!
[runs away]
Master Wong: Welcome to the underbelly of ping-pong where fortunes are won and lost. I'm exaggerating, of course, but you get my point.
Randy Daytona: Never hug a man with a million bucks worth of hardware up his crack. Whew!
Asian Guy With Gun: [when Randy first arrives at his room] Hello, can I interest you in some Altoids, or some Axe Body Spray?
Feng: What part of "sudden death" didn't you understand?
Randy Daytona: [as The Hammer keeps making weird hand gestures] I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
Agent Ernie Rodriquez: I'm still trying to figure out if it's a dude or a chick.
Feng: Less talkie-talkie, more ping-pong.
Karl Wolfschtagg: You are so close to defeat that it already reeks of your cheap cologne.
Master Wong: [smirks] The joke's on you, pretty boy. It's not cologne, it's lady speed stick.
Feng: Stop! This is Boring! Kill them Both! We're missing Antiques Roadshow!
Master Wong: It is better to die like a tiger, than to live like a pussy.
Feng: Please! These are Collectors' Items! Well, some of them are replicas. But still, they're Limited Edition Replicas!
Maggie Wong: [in Chinese] Focus on your balls not my boobs!
Master Wong: Maggie! Your temper brings dishonor to my happy mushu palace.
Karl Wolfschtagg: Daytona, I have said some cruel things about you. To my friends here at the tournament, I tell them that the reason that you hate me so much, is because I had sex with your mother.
Randy Daytona: My mother died when I was two. I hardly knew her.
Karl Wolfschtagg: Yeah I know it's a horrible thing to say. And yet these things that I say over and over again... I do not mean them. Because in truth, you are the greatest player I have ever scene. Other than myself, practicing in front of a mirror. Which I do... everyday... in the nude. I'm sorry for you, that your papa is not here to see you. I think he would be very proud of you.
Randy Daytona: Yeah.
Karl Wolfschtagg: So proud of you, that he would probably bet the money on you again. I could use the cash! Haha. Tell your dead parents I said "What's Up?"
Feng: [inviting Randy on a private tour] I won't bite... not anywhere that'll show.
Feng: Represent.
Karl Wolfschtagg: [after stepping on Randy's paddle] Whoops. Clumsy clumsy hippos.
Feng: Ping pong, or as the Chinese say: "Ping pong".
Feng: Sports, members, bandits alike.
Karl Wolfschtagg: So, we meet again. The years have not been kind to you; I will not be either.
Randy Daytona: [sees a man standing up] Hey, a volunteer! How you doing buddy?
[takes his ping pong ball and paddle and starts bouncing the ball of the guy's face]
Cheese'N'Mac Guy: [as Randy is bouncing the ball of his face] I was just going for more Cheese 'n Mac.
Cheese'N'Mac Guy: [Randy keeps bouncing the ball of his face and then his stomach. The guy trys to protect himself with his plate but can't] Stop!
Randy Daytona: [finally catches the ball] Hoooooooeeeeeee! A-thank you!
Cheese'N'Mac Guy: [collapses from a heart attack]
Maggie Wong: I'm trying to sacrifice my life for our love. Stop being such a dick!
Person in crowd: You suck!
Karl Wolfschtagg: Hey, that stings. Come on who said that?
Feng: Ladies and Gentlemen. Athletes. I bid you Toodles.
Feng: Turning his Protege to the Dark Side...! A real Kodak Moment, don't you think?

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