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A lazy law school grad adopts a kid to impress his girlfriend, but everything doesn't go as planned and he becomes the unlikely foster father.
[Discussing Vanessa's new senior citizen boyfriend] Vanessa: He has a five year plan. Sonny: What is it? "Don't die"?
[at McDonald's] Sonny: Okay, what do you want? Julian: Cheerios. Sonny: Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else? Julian: Lasagna. Sonny: Lasagna? What the hell is the matter with you? Um, we'll take hot cakes and sausage... Employee: Sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast. Sonny: What are you talking about? We're FOUR seconds late. Employee: No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stopped serving breakfast at 10:30. Sonny: Aw, HORSESHIT!
[Julian and the Delivery Guy are learning how to read] Julian: Electricity! Constitution! Philadelphia! Nazo: Fish! Pony! Hip, Hip Hop, Hip Hop anonymous? Damn you! You gave him the easy ones.
Homeless Guy: Sonny was real nice to the kid. Wish my father was like him. My father was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a good soldier. Anyways, when I was 35, he tried to give me a crew cut while I was asleep. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live in a dumpster then under his freaky ass rules! (Notices a McDonald's bag in Sonny's hand) Anyways, I think Sonny Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? (points at a black man) This guy knows what I'm talking about! No more questions!
Julian: ...but I wipe my own ass, I wipe my own ass!
Tommy: How long have you delivered food to Mr. Koufax? Nazo: I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've gained weight so that's a problem. Tommy: I see. And, in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian? Nazo: Oh, yes. They make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish. Tommy: Lamb and tuna fish? Nazo: Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy? Homeless Guy: Yes, considering we're in America. I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out? Nazo: Listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut, Mister. Homeless Guy: Let's see your clippers. Nazo: Not my problem your father was sick. Homeless Guy: That - well - -Stop yelling at me! AAAhhhhhhhh!
Julian: I wipe my own ass. Nazo: Me too.
Julian: But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song. Sonny: It's overtime right now and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens about once every ten years so... Julian: Kangaroo song, kangaroo song, kangaroo song, KANGAROO SONG! Sonny: ALLLRRIIIGGGHTT! God you were normal yesterday!
Sonny: [steps on Julian's Scuba Steve Doll] Ow, Scuba Steve! Damn You!
Ted Castellucci: Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father. Lenny: You want my opinion? My son is a moron. Ted Castellucci: I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!
Sonny: Say "Happy Halloween". Reluctant Trick-or-Treat Giver: Happy Halloween. Sonny: Yeah, next year be prepared!
Sonny: Hey! You just made the biggest mistake of your life, baby. I know you're gunna be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on you with his loose skin and old balls... gross! Ugh!
Customer: [while Jullian is crying] Nice parenting. Sonny: Hey, thanks! Who are you? My therapist? [tosses the guy's fries over his shoulder] Sonny: Take a walk!
Sonny: [Julian is bouncing up and down in front of the TV on a rubber ball] Hey. Julian: Hey! Sonny: You like hockey? Julian: You like hockey? Sonny: This is a big, important game. Julian: This is a big, important game! Sonny: Cut the crap. Julian: Cut the crap! Sonny: I'm being serious, don't do that. Julian: I;m being serious, don't do that! Sonny: [quickly] How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Julian: [stops bouncing] Sonny: That's what I thought. Shut up. [Julian resumes bouncing in front of the TV]
Sonny: [Mocking Corinne] "We wasted the good surprise on you!"
Sonny: What, you want a father figure? Stop pulling your sister's hair!
Corinne: We wasted the good surprise on you!
Corinne: What's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister? Sonny: Did she say we were doing laundry? Because where I come from, it's called "doing the hibbidy-dibbidy."
[Music playing in the background] Layla: This is Styx. Sonny: Yeah. Layla: They've been my favorite band since I was, like, twelve. Sonny: You're kidding me? Layla: No, no, I can't help it, I just love them. My friends make fun of me all the time. Sonny: My friends make fun of me all the time, too. I've seen them, like, twenty-five times. Tommy Shaw, when I was, like, sixteen years old, I was at the concert, he actually reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me up on stage, and I got to do the robot voice for Mr. Roboto!
Sonny: Have a good sleep there, Corrine. Pleasant Hooters!
[about the Kangaroo song] Sonny: [to Julian] I can't take this shit. Are you serious? [Julian continues jumping to the Kangaroo song] Sonny: [under his breath; about the character in the song] Douchebag kangaroo.
Sonny: What's in the bag Corrine? Chicken wings? Booby tassles?
Sonny: What do you eat? Julian: Food. Sonny: Oh yea? Well I eat food too.
Corinne: [Starts to whine and cry] We wasted the good surprise on YOU! [Runs to bathroom and sobs]
[Julian is taking a leak] Julian: How come you're not going? Sonny: Because I don't have to go. Only you and my grandfather go every thirty seconds.
Julian: [pointing to Vanessa's older lover] Sonny, is that the man with the old balls?
Sonny: That was your girlfriend. She's Hooterific again.
[Sonny is on the stand at the custody hearing for Julian] Tommy: [stands up] Objection! Lenny: Shut up, Tommy! Tommy: [sits down] Sorry, Mr. Koufax.
Layla: So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other? Sonny: Yeah. Layla: Is that strange for you? Sonny: Uh, nothing changed really. They watch a different kind of porno now.
Mr. Herlihy: Goddamn Jets! Waitress: Hey, cutie! What are you doing here? Julian: Watching football. Waitress: Oh yea, who do you want to win? Julian: The Goddamn Jets.
[afternoticing Julian had wet the bed] Sonny: My God, that's a shit load of piss.
Sonny: Where's Kevin? Corinne: Oh, he already left. He forgot to say goodbye to you. Sonny: Then why are you here? Corinne: I'm cleaning because you're useless. Sonny: Then are you going to go to your Hooters reunion? And talk about who's ass sticks out the most while wearing your shorts? Corinne: At least I can fit my ass in to my shorts, fatty. Sonny: [Taking out leftover food from fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this? Corinne: I don't know. Sonny: I'm eating it then.
Nazo: This is bullshit! Should have same rules for everyone, no matter what age!
Sonny: I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. Syracuse is 0 and 3. I got those medical problems. Vanessa: Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot 2 years ago, you spend one night in the hospital. Sonny: First of all that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth two hundred thousand dollars, so there ya go.
[Phil is cross-examining Corrine] Phil D'Amato: And how long have you disliked Mr. Koufax? Corinne: Since the day I met him Phil D'Amato: And for the record, where did you work while attending medical school? Corinne: Hooters Phil D'Amato: No further questions? Corinne: No! Corinne: [under her breath] ... asshole!
Julian: [after jumping around frantically to the Kangaroo song, Julian suddenly stops] Sonny: Aww, what's wrong, are you all hopped out? Julian: [Julian suddenly throws up all the junk food he has been eating all over the floor]
Sonny: Congratulations! You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna get along just fine. Kevin: Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee. Sonny: You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters? Kevin: Sonny that was five years ago! She's a doctor now, and my fiance. So from now on, Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.
[Sonny is dressed up as Scuba Sam] Sonny: Hi, Julian! How ya doin'? I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy needs to take a bath, the only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone. So, I was wondering if you'd keep him company in the tub.Terrific, and after your bath, you need to try and study hard because if you want to be in the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart. Julian: I can be in the Scuba Squad? Sonny: Well sure! All you have to do is work hard and don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad because then everybody's gonna wanna join! Oh, and one more thing! Be nice to the Delivery Guy, will ya? It's not his fault he can't read.
Nazo: [to Arthur Brooks] Hey, I remember you. You always order three piece of cheesecake! [Arthur Brooks looks embarrassed]
Sonny: I know this is the right thing because I would die for this kid just so he won't feel one ounce of sadness. That's why you're here right now, to protect me, to be scared for me to be a good father. And that's exactly what I'm gonna be.
[Sonny has left his apartment leaving Nazo in charge of Julian] Julian: [jumping on the couch signing along to the kangaroo song] Would you like to come and play? We'll hop, hop, hop, hop... Julian: [hits Nazo on the head with a paperback book] ... WHAT DO YOU SAY? [the doorbell rings] Nazo: Get the door! [Julian leaves to answer the door]
Nazo: What are your cards? Julian: I got a 6, a 5, a Jack, a 4 and a 8. I win! Sonny: What do you mean "you win"? I had a hand just like that before, I didn't win? Julian: Because I win. Nazo: This is bullshit! Sonny: Alright, take it easy man. Nazo: Every time different cards, he still wins?
Mike: I am still weirded out seeing them kiss. Sonny: Why? They're gay. That's what gay guys do. Mike: Yeah, but they were like brothers to us in school. Sonny: They're still our brothers. Our very gay brothers.
Nazo: [at Sonny's door] I had call for delivery in building, but I think it was crank call. [holds up a bag] Nazo: Want some chocolate cake?
Sonny: Hey man, who won the Knick game? Angry Guy: Who cares? Sonny: Don't worry. He can't hold you down forever. Angry Guy: What are you talking about? Sonny: You know what I'm talking about. Angry Guy: You're a loser. Sonny: You're mad at your dad, not me. I forgive you. Angry Guy: [walking away crying] I am. I hate my father.
Sonny: You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood or break my legs skiing. But don't be scared about me being a dad, because I will not fail. I love this kid too much. I love him as much as you love me, Dad. I'm gonna give him advice and I'm gonna guide him and I'll be there whenever he needs me. I'll fly to New York to be at his court case even if I disagree with why he's there
Sonny: I'm thinkin' about keepin' the kid. Phil D'Amato: Sonny, remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it, but then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet-training it? Sonny: Yeah... Phil D'Amato: Well, this is kinda like that - except with a human!
Sonny: I'm working on a big case: I'm gonna sue you assholes for making me come down here.
Sonny: [after Julien kills a bunch of pigeons with a sling shot] Let me have that. Go to your room... I guess. Or go do whatever you want.
Sonny: He's the smelly kid in class!, I let him become the smelly kid in class!, What the hell's the matter with me? Ms. Foote: Oh yes, I've had some smelly ones before, but your son is by far the smelliest.
Sonny: Man this Yoohoo is good, you know what else is good, smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about? Jeff: I have a belly button. Sonny: You have a belly button, well we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum. Jared: What's rum? Sonny: You don't know what Rum is? Jared: Rumplestilskin? Sonny: Rumplestilskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.
Sonny: Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.
Sonny: What's your name, he'll write it on the wall... mind your business!
[discussing Julian's doll Scuba Steve] Nazo: I had doll like that once. But my cat, he bite his head off! Julian: What kind of cat would do that? Nazo: You calling me a liar?
Sonny: Hey, the money I won in the cab accident is kicking ass in the stockmarket, so relax!
Sonny: I had a mother lined up for him, but she's bangin' the Pepperidge Farm guy and the kid won't stop peeing and throwing up, he's like a cocker spaniel.
Sonny: Everyone's so busy with their crap lately, no one ever comes. Mr. Herlihy: Like I'm not busy? Sonny: Hey Mr. Herlihy, how bout you shut up before i smack you threw the wall like last week? Mr. Herlihy: Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on woman. Oh... hah... hahahahahahaha Sonny: He drinks alot of soda.
Sonny: Hey, stay away from the frozen food section, Corinne! Your boobs'll harden.
Sonny: Don't worry about me making money. I'm in love with a woman who makes plenty of it. She'll be my sugar mamma. Homeless Guy: I gotta get me one of those.
Sonny: Get cleaned up and we'll go to Barney's. Julian: Barney? Sonny: Not that Barney, a different Barney. A much more expensive Barney.
Mr. Herlihy: Koufax is a good egg, he was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here Miss, what are you gonna do about it? Hahaha. Sonny: What are you drunk Mr. Herlihy? Mr. Herlihy: Well, I-I had a few chardonnays, what of it? Sonny: Get off the stand please. Mr. Herlihy: You got it. Got a few problems.
Homeless Guy: Yes, considering we're in America! I mean, if you don't like Spaghetti and Meatballs, why don't you just get the hell out?
[Ordering food] Sonny: Julian, what do you want? Julian: Thirty packets of ketchup.
Homeless Guy: Total Mind blow.
Julian: [after finding out he has to be taken from Sonny by the social services] You don't want me here anymore? Sonny: [close to tears] No, that's not it, pal. You just have to go away for awhile. Julian: How long am I going away for? Sonny: [trying not to cry] I don't want to lie to you. I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore. I screwed up, I'm so sorry. Come here, put your coat on. This is not your fault, okay? I'm the idiot Julian: I don't wanna go! Sonny: I know you don't, but you have to. You'll be okay, alright? Julian: [clings to Sonny] Please don't make me go. I won't play the Kangaroo Song anymore. Sonny: I know buddy, that's not it. Julian: [as the social worker is dragging him out of the apartment] Please, I promise! I'm sorry, I don't even like that song anymore! And I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass! Sonny: I know!
Sonny: I got some interesting news? Lenny: Oh yeah, what? Sonny: I kind of adopted a kid Lenny: What the hell are you talking about? Sonny: I'm talking about you being a grandfather! Congratulations! Lenny: Who the hell would give you a kid? Sonny: Social Services. Lenny: You idiot! You better give that kid back! Sonny: His mother's... hang on, hang on. Sonny: [shouts at Julian, from afar] Go play with them pigeons, buddy! Sonny: I tried to give him back. I just, I just, I just can't, Dad. I need your help. I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing! Lenny: You damn right you don't know what the hell you doing! Sonny: The kid is always around, especially for the last few days. You think he'd give me a little privacy but he just never leaves me alone, I'm in deep shit. Lenny: Just give that kid back right now, before you ruin BOTH YOUR LIVES! Sonny: Oh, I appreciate that Dad. Lenny: He'd be better off living in a dumpster then living with you! Sonny: WELL I'LL BE A BETTER FATHER THEN YOU! Lenny: That's impossible, all you ever care about is yourself. Sonny: I care about you saving money on this phone call. [banging phone receiver several times before hanging up]
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