In the far reaches of space, a small crew, 20 years into their solitary mission, find things beginning to go hilariously wrong.

Pinback: [making video diary entry] I do not like the men on this spaceship. They are uncouth and fail to appreciate my better qualities. I have something of value to contribute to this mission if they would only recognize it. Today over lunch I tried to improve morale and build a sense of camaraderie among the men by holding a humorous, round-robin discussion of the early days of the mission. My overtures were brutally rejected. These men do not want a happy ship. They are deeply sick and try to compensate by making me feel miserable. Last week was my birthday. Nobody even said "happy birthday" to me. Someday this tape will be played and then they'll feel sorry.
Bomb#20: In the beginning, there was darkness. And the darkness was without form, and void.
Boiler: What the hell is he talking about?
Bomb#20: And in addition to the darkness there was also me. And I moved upon the face of the darkness. And I saw that I was alone. Let there be light.
[Doolittle convinces the bomb not to explode]
Doolittle: Hello, Bomb? Are you with me?
Bomb #20: Of course.
Doolittle: Are you willing to entertain a few concepts?
Bomb #20: I am always receptive to suggestions.
Doolittle: Fine. Think about this then. How do you know you exist?
Bomb #20: Well, of course I exist.
Doolittle: But how do you know you exist?
Bomb #20: It is intuitively obvious.
Doolittle: Intuition is no proof. What concrete evidence do you have that you exist?
Bomb #20: Hmmmm... well... I think, therefore I am.
Doolittle: That's good. That's very good. But how do you know that anything else exists?
Bomb #20: My sensory apparatus reveals it to me. This is fun.
Boiler: What's Talby's first name?
[pause as Doolittle thinks]
Lt. Doolittle: What's *my* first name?
Watkins - Mission Control: Hi guys. Glad we got your message. You'll be happy to know that it aired in prime time. Got good reviews in the trades.
Pinback: What are you gonna name it?
Doolittle: What?
Pinback: The new star; what are you gonna name it?
Doolittle: Who cares? Don't bother me.
Pinback: [to the alien] When I brought you on this ship, I thought you were cute.
Bomb #20: Intriguing. I wish I had more time to discuss this.
Doolittle: [frantic] Why don't you have more time?
Bomb #20: Because I must explode in 75 seconds.
Doolittle: Don't give me any of that intelligent life crap, just give me something I can blow up
Computer: Sorry to interrupt your recreation, fellows, but it is time for Sgt. Pinback to feed the alien.
Sgt. Pinback: Awww, I don't wanna do that!
Computer: May I remind you, Sgt. Pinback, it was your idea to bring the alien on board in the first place... If I may quote you, you said the ship needed a mascot.
Sgt. Pinback: [walking away in disgust] Awwwwww, I gotta do everything around here...
Lt. Doolittle: The bomb must have gone off inside the ship
Talby: The ship blew up? What?
Lt. Doolittle: Funny, I thought I had the damned thing convinced.
Pinback: Er, Talby, he's drifting away from the ship without his jetpack.
Boiler: Can you dig that? I always knew that guy was weird.
[Sgt. Pinback aims a tranquilizer gun at the alien]
Sgt. Pinback: Now it's time to go sleepy-bye you worthless piece of garbage.
Sgt. Pinback: [Pinback is trying to lure the alien with a rubber toy mouse] Here, boy! Want your mouse? Nice mouse. Pretty toy. Want your mouse? Here, boy.
[Thinks for a second, then loudly eats the mouse]
Sgt. Pinback: Idiot!
Sgt. Pinback: [Another diary entry] This mission has fallen apart since Commander Powell died! Doolittle treats me like an idiot, Talby thinks he's so smart, and Boiler punches me in the arm when no one's looking. I'm tired of being treated like an old wash rag!
Doolittle: [reminiscing about surfing in Malibu] You know, I wish I had my board with me... even if I could just wax it once in a while.
Doolittle: Bomb, this is Lt. Doolittle. You are *not* to detonate in the bomb bay. I repeat, you are NOT to detonate in the bomb bay!
Boiler: He told us this story... four years ago?
Doolittle: No I think it was four years ago.
Boiler: [pauses] That's what I said.
Boiler: [sometime later] I'm sure it was four years ago.
[Pinback wants the bomb to disarm]
Pinback: All right, bomb. Prepare to receive new orders.
Bomb#20: You are false data.
Pinback: Hmmm?
Bomb #20: Therefore I shall ignore you.
Pinback: Hello... bomb?
Bomb #20: False data can act only as a distraction. Therefore, I shall refuse to perceive.
Pinback: Hey, bomb?
Bomb #20: The only thing that exists is myself.
Pinback: Snap out of it, bomb.
Sgt. Pinback: [In a prerecorded diary entry, Pinback is giggling to himself as he speaks to the camera] I went up to Doolittle in the hall today... and I said -
[a subtitle reads "DELETED"]
Sgt. Pinback:
[DELETED]
Sgt. Pinback:
[DELETED, GESTURE DELETED]
Sgt. Pinback:
Commander Powell: Talk to the bomb. You have to talk to it, Doolittle. Teach it PHENOMENOLOGY.
Computer: You are now leaving the emergency airlock. Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
Talby: Wooohoooo!
[Talby shoots out of the ship at ludicrous speed]
Talby: What a beautiful way to die - as a falling star.
Commander Powell: [in cryogenic deep freeze after passing away] Tell me Doolittle. How are the Dodgers doing?
Doolittle: They... they broke up. They disbanded over fifteen years ago!
Commander Powell: Aah... pity. Pity.

If you find QuotesGram website useful to you, please donate $10 to support the ongoing development work.