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Plaid-skirted schoolgirls are groomed by a secret government agency to become the newest members of the elite national-defense group, D.E.B.S.
Lucy: I didn't even want to be a criminal. I wanted to be a pirate. Amy: [laughs] Pirates are criminals. Lucy: Oh. Whoops.
Lucy: [on an awkward first date] So, you're an assassin. Ninotchka: Da. Lucy: How's that work? Ninotchka: It's mostly freelance.
[Amy fails to unhook Lucy's bra properly during their make-out session] Lucy: Oww! Did you just snap my bra? Amy: Er... no. Lucy: Yeah, you did. That hasn't happened to me since sixth grade. Amy: I was trying to be smooth.
Mrs. Peatree: Are you kidding me? We conduct a nationwide manhunt for you and you're boning the suspect? Did you think this was a joke? "Let's divert federal resources and man hours so I can have my collegiate lesbian fling in style." Amy: I was doing research. Mrs. Peatree: I'll bet.
Amy: [at Endgame, Amy delivers the formal acceptance speech Max wrote for her] If there is corruption in this city, Lucy Diamond is behind it. [Lucy enters the auditorium on an upper-floor balcony and listens in painful silence] Amy: If there is indecency to be found, she is the root. If there is evil in this world, its name is Lucy Diamond. It's not until moments like this when you are forced to take stock of yourself that you see what you are made of. It's not until moments like this when you have to remember what's right and true. Because it's moments like this when you discover what it truly means to be a D.E.B. [looks up, sees Lucy, and stops reading] Amy: Which is why I can't accept this award from you tonight. Because, the truth is, the times I spent with Lucy Diamond were the happiest days of my life. And the only brave thing I've done this whole time is what I'm doing now. So if you'll excuse me, I have a date with the devil. [smiles and runs from the podium]
Mrs. Peatree: [to herself, very upset] Treason! Obstructing justice? We're going to be the laughing stock of the intelligence community! [whirls from fireplace to Amy] Mrs. Peatree: I'm going to send you so far away that luxuries like toilet paper and diet coke are but a distant memory. Max: Mrs. Peatree? Mrs. Peatree: Is someone speaking to me? Because that would be very ill advised. Max: Mrs. Peatree, this whole incident can no doubt be a source of embarrassment for the academy, and you, right? Mrs. Peatree: Have I *not* been speaking English?
Lucy: Look, let's just pretend that we're in Barcelona, and you're in art school, and I'm renting sailboats to tourists, and no one's a super hero and no one's a villain, we're just us. [Amy looks at her smitten, and kisses her]
Max: Who's your best friend? Amy: You are my best friend. Max: And what did I say to you the very first day at the Academy? Amy: "That's my bunk, bitch." Max: After that.
Max: Janet! Wake up! We got a lead on Amy! Janet: [to herself because she knows Amy's with Lucy willingly] Oh, God! [jumps out of bed] Janet: Oh no no no no no no no...
Amy: I'm here because I feel more like me when I'm with you, than I do when I'm with me.
Mrs. Peatree: Annie, Madeline: Amy. Mrs. Peatree: Amy, I think you identify with Lucy Diamond. I think she sees your pathos. You've got some dangerous union symbiosis going on- What's that movie with Jodie? And the little dog falls in the well with the lotion? Madeline: Silence of the lambs. Mrs. Peatree: You're the lamb, Amy.
Janet: [Dominique, Janet, and Max are locked in the bank vault. Max is banging on the vault door with a crowbar, and Dominique has lit up a cigarette. Janet looks at her horrified] Please don't smoke! Please? [looking annoyed, Dominique takes a drag and blows smoke dismissively in Janet's direction] Janet: [to Max] Tell her not to smoke! [looking more annoyed, Max rolls her eyes and walks toward Dominique] Janet: Guys! There's not enough air and soon we're going to be faint on the floor, and the only air left in this room will be toxic! [Max takes a cigarette from Dominique, lights it, and takes a deep drag which she lets out. Janet, very distressed, approaches the two of them waving her hands] Max: This is bullshit! Janet: This could not get any worse! [Spikes come out of the ceiling and the ceiling slowly lowers toward them] Max: See? Trap.
Lucy: [while sitting on the couch next to Scud] Scud, I don't know how this happened to me but [pause] Lucy: being bad doesn't feel good anymore. Scud: Do you love her? Lucy: [sincerely nods] Scud: You're willing to give up all this, the life of crime, the whole nine yards? Lucy: Whatever it takes.
Amy: What I said to you the first time we met? Max: "High-protein diets are overrated." Amy: [trying to be patient] After that.
Max: It's a trap. Amy: Whatever. Max: Hey! Look. Creepy shadows. No bad guys in sight. Confined space! Trap! Amy: Why are to you giving me such a hard time? Do you think I can't handle it? Max: No I *know* you can't handle it. You wouldn't know formation kappa kappa gamma if it bit you in your forehead. Dominique: [acknowledging that this is not the best time for Amy and Max to be fighting] We are going to die. Amy: [to Dominique] No. [turning back to Max] Amy: As your senior officer, I'm ordering you to secure the vault, soldier! Max: You're "ordering" me? Amy: Yeah! Max: [gets gun ready] Fine! Amy: [they run in - nothing seems amiss] There! That wasn't so bad. I think you guys owe me an apology-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! [falls as trap doors opens beneath her]
Dominique: You're not as boring as I thought. But you're not as bright, either.
Amy: Nothing happened. Janet: She was totally going to kiss you. You are so into her! Amy: I am not! Janet: You violated the prime directive. Plus, hello, it's a *girl*. You're so busted!
Mrs. Peatree: This is not the Girl Scouts, this is espionage!
Dominique: You can't decide matters of the heart. It is madness to try.
Janet: Have you seen my gun?
Scud: All right, then. We're going in. Lucy: What? Scud: We gots to get her back.
Lucy, Amy: [Simultaneously] Oh god, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Amy: Oh my god... Lucy: Shit. Amy: You're Lucy Diamond. Lucy: You're a D.E.B. Amy: You have the right to remain silent... Lucy: You're reading me my rights? Amy: Anything you say can and will be used against you. [Lucy and Amy look at each other with anticipation. Amy starts to look uneasy. Lucy gives Amy a look like she's just realized how cute Amy is, then Amy talks] Amy: Okay here's the thing. Lucy: Yeah? Amy: I am really not up for dying today. Lucy: Me neither. Amy: So, I was thinking that uh, why don't you put your gun down. Lucy: Why don't you put your gun down? Amy: You're the criminal and I'm the cop, so I think I'm technically more trustworthy. Lucy: So far I was totally minding my own business on some stupid blind date when you guys decided to rain shit all over me. Amy: Wait. You were on a blind date? Lucy: Whatever. Amy: With that Russian girl? Lucy: What? Amy: Nothing. I just didn't know you were a... Lucy: Why would you know? Amy: Wow that really torpedoes my thesis.
Dominique: You need to put it here. Don't be an idiot for once. Janet: You need to speak English or French. Frenglish is not a language.
Janet: [the D.E.B.S. walk in on Amy and Lucy in bed. Max and everyone but Janet leave, disgusted] You *really* need to check your messages.
Max: I can't stop thinking about Lucy Diamond. Janet: [incredulous] You too?
Janet: Oh my god! She almost kissed you! And you almost let her! Amy: Drop it! Scud: [to Janet] You owe me fifty bucks.
Janet: Everybody's talking about it. Amy: About what? Janet: How you met Lucy and lived to tell about it. They're calling you a hero, when really you're a slut. Amy: You shut up. Janet: A gay slut. Amy: I'm not gay! Janet: Ms. Petrie wants to see you.
Lucy: [feigning pain] I just... I'm feeling really ill. It's my stomach. I, um, I think I have food poisoning. Ninotchka: Are you blowing me? Lucy: What? Ninotchka: Off. Are you blowing me off?
Lucy: Well, their poster child doesn't know it yet, but she's into me.
Scud: Oh my God! What a disaster! I am so sorry! Leave it up to the D.E.B.S... your in a town a week and their all over you, grabbing... [Lucy is sitting quiet with a little smile on her face] Scud: What? Lucy: I met someone. Scud: [Slamming on brakes] I knew it! I mean the thing about the dance was a little wierd, but i had a feeling that you and Ninotchka... Lucy: No, no, no, no, no Scud. Ninotchka was a train wreck thank you. Scud: [Puzzled] I'm not following. Lucy: Okay, but you have to promise that you're not going to freak out. Scud: Freak Out? Why would I freak out... Lucy: Well, ya know sometimes you... Scud: [Freaking out] OH MY GOD WHO IS IT? Lucy: What do you know about an Amy Bradshaw? Scud: Amy Bradshaw? The girl from the smuggling op? Lucy: No. Scud: Oh my god! Amy Bradshaw? Blonde hair? Plaid skirt? She's a D.E.B.! Lucy: So? Scud: Okay, not only is she a D.E.B., She's THE D.E.B.! She's the perfect score!
Lucy: Come with me. Come on, what do you have to lose? Amy: Everything.
Max: [to Amy] I don't care if you are the Perfect Score. Janet: [under her breath] Perfect whore!
Lucy: I guess I'll see you around... 'same bat time' or whatever.
Janet: [Janet and Scud catch Amy and Lucy in a near kiss] Oh, my God! She almost kissed you! You almost let her! Scud: [smug tone to Janet] You owe me fifty bucks.
Amy: I think love should be irresistible, like a drug, you know? I think when it happens you should just not be able to help yourself. I just - I wanted... more.
Lucy: Australia's toast. Scud: What's your beef with Australia? Lucy: I don't like their attitude!
Scud: [Lucy's gang is robbing a bank. Scud goes to inform her of the situation] D.E.B.S. en route - two minutes. Lucy: [primping self in mirror] Do I look okay? Scud: [rolling eyes] This is retarded.
Scud: So, I was wondering if maybe you wanted... Janet: Yes. Scud: I didn't ask you anything yet. Janet: Whatever it is, yes. Scud: Awesome.
Janet: So, where're you going to? Amy: I think... Barcelona. Janet: I'll miss you. [pauses] Janet: Can I have your room?
Scud: I am the God of bingo!
Max: If you break her heart, I will hunt you down and kill you. Lucy: [smiles] Deal.
Amy: [to Janet] Remember when you got drunk and nearly got the chancellor of Bulgaria killed? And remember how i covered for you? I never told anyone. If Max ever found out you would never get your stripes and NEVER graduate.
Janet: [watching Amy and Lucy flirt] Correct me if I'm wrong, but your friend seems to be hitting on my friend. Scud: You're not wrong Janet: Yeah, but my friends, not into that. Scud: [under breath] Right.
Amy: [looking at Lucy through binoculars] Wow. Lucy Diamond, she's... Max: What? Amy: Real.
Scud: Knock 'em dead... but not really.
Scud: What the hell? Janet: I couldn't stop them! Scud: [pauses] You look nice. Janet: Thanks. [pauses] Janet: What? Max: [to Janet] What are you doing? Janet: [to Max] Nothing! [punches Scud, who falls to the floor, unconscious] Janet: Sorry!
Scud: You were dumped. Lucy: I was not dumped! Scud: Oh, you were dumped hard, and that sucks, but you took your time off in Antarctica or whatever. Lucy: Reykjavik. It's in Iceland.
Scud: Just promise me you'll be open. Lucy: Open to what? Scud: Open to love.
President of D.E.B.S. Academy: You are a perfect liar.
Janet: [looks confused] What if she really loves her? I mean, what if Lucy really makes her happy? [to Max] Janet: If you were really her best friend, you'd probably let her go.
Lucy: Okay, first of all, you are gonna have to swear to me that you are *not* gonna freak out about this. Scud: Freak out about what? Why would I freak out? Lucy: Well, you know, sometimes you can... Scud: [freaking out] Oh, my God, Who is it?
Janet: I have the sweater she's wearing, but in taupe. Amy: Really? Where did you get it? Janet: Target. Amy: No way. Dominique: Silence! Janet: [whispering] They also have it in teal.
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