Davey Stone, an alcoholic with a criminal record, is sentenced to community service under the supervision of an elderly referee. Davey is then faced with trying to reform and abandon his bad habits.

Davey Stone: Hey, Jelly Jugs, next time you're on my court, you better wear a bra, okay?
Whitey: Don't worry son, I think you have very nice boobs.
Davey Stone: Smell ya later, Poopsicle!
Davey Stone: Easy seizure boy!
Eleanor Duvall: It's a home invasion! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!
Whitey: It's okay Eleanore! It's okay!
Eleanor Duvall: Whitey, thank god you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes? They're soaking the carpet.
Whitey: Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.
Eleanor Duvall: The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?
Whitey: His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.
Eleanor Duvall: All right. But I'm taking an inventory of everything alive and accounted in this house.
Eleanor Duvall: Look, he already stole something! He's hiding it in his jacket.
Whitey: Men's 11 right foot, children's 9 left foot.
[does a jig]
Whitey: At your service.
Chinese Waiter: Four scorpion bowl in five minute? That's got to be a restaurant record.
Eleanore: All you people can bite my germ-free booty!
Whitey: He's just kidding, son. You have very nice boobs.
Victoria's Secret Salesperson: Aren't you a boy?
Davey Stone: [while Whitey is having a seizure] Okay, that's it no one wants to see an old man die! Fatty's team loses cuz I wanna see him cry again.
Davey Stone: Well right now, I'm going to another restaurant record: longest burp.
[makes his very long burp to everybody in the restaurant]
Davey Stone: I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand?
Tom Baltezor: Yes.
Eleanor Duvall: You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.
Davey Stone: Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch, so he can pretend people actually like him?
Eleanor Duvall: Which month was that in?
Chinese Waiter: Ha! I love it! Now you go to jail and marry big smelly man!
Whitey: My finger's in your mouth kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.
Narrator: Well, while Whitey and Eleanor are getting ready for the banquet, the moron was having a party of his own. And when people get in a state that Davey is in, they do really stupid things. Like go to a mall that's obviously closed to yell at a woman who is obviously not there.
Davey Stone: Jennifer! Jennifer! What's the matter with the way I live my life, huh, Jennifer? Where are you? Home reading your baby boy a bedtime story? While he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket? Ugh, horse shit!
Whitey: [now covered in excrement] The worst has happened: I'm covered in human feces...
Davey: That's a good look for you, but how about is that I should probably spray you off?
[Davey sprays on Whitey with a hose. Whitey is now frozen]
Whitey: Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.
Chinese Waiter: What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet and have I gone crazy?
Davey Stone: How did you get so good on the ice, anyway?
Whitey: In the '50s I refed youth hockey for a couple of seasons.
Eleanor Duvall: Until a hockey puck struck him in the back of the head.
Whitey: Nothin' a metal plate couldn't fix.
Eleanor Duvall: You were in a coma for three months.
Whitey: I needed the rest, anyway!
Eleanor Duvall: They were giving out free lobster bibs in the bathroom.
Whitey: That's not a lobster bib Eleanore its a germ protector for your tushey.
Benjamin: Eat that nutstrap, BIACH!
Jennifer: Benjamin?
Davey Stone: Your honor, I can still do a pretty good jump shot.
[unscrews a hip flash, drinks a shot, and does a little jump]
Mayor: Whitey, for the first time your partner Davey Stone did something good for this community.
Eleanore: What'd he do? Steal beer for everyone?
Eleanor Duvall: Holy shit, did the mall just say something?
Davey Stone: [Drops fries on try which spells Bite Me] .
Whitey: Jokes on you tough guy! I can't read!
Whitey: .
Davey Stone: So, what's good about this place?
Whitey: What's good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick/clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack, Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo, Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express. But if you're short of cash like little old me, the window shopping's always free.
Eleanor Duvall: [as Davey enters] Oh my goodness - it's a home invasion robbery! Please, mister, take whatever you want but please don't chop my legs off!
Whitey: Shaving the chest hairs.
Eleanore: Nobody likes a unibrow.
Jennifer: Thanks for sharing the Holiday spirit, psycho.
Chinese Waiter: Congratulations! Now please excuse me while I go take shower!
Eleanor Duvall: You're an animal.
Davey Stone: And you're bald!
[rips her wig off]
Eleanor Duvall: Not again.
Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.
Davey Stone: Good, your house SUCKS!
Jennifer: Do you have to be mean to everybody who tries to help you?
Davey Stone: That's my problem!
[tosses wig which hands on the Waiter's head]
Chinese Waiter: He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi
Narrator: Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse.
Eleanor Duvall: Whitey, where were you? You're an hour and 51 minutes late. I already called the Morgue. They said you weren't there but to try back later.
Eleanor Duvall: Hey, look! He already stole something!
Davey: It's a letter from my parents.
Eleanor Duvall: Well why don't you go live them?
Davey: They died.
Eleanor Duvall: My bad.
Chinese Waiter: [during "Bum Biddy"]
Chinese Waiter: How could you all be so mean to Whitey? Sound to me like you are all on crack!
Davey: Can I prance around with my morning erection?
Whitey: If you do you'll want an automatic ejection cause that's a technical foul!
Eleanor Duvall: But I would like to see it anyway!
Whitey: Now I assume you've done you're pre-game warm-ups.
Davey Stone: No, let me do them right now.
[Hold up his fists, raises and lowers his middle fingers]
Davey Stone: One, two, three, four...
Whitey: [Oblivious] That's good, but don't forget your hammies.
Davey: Make some long distance calls?
Eleanore: You'll get a kick in the balls!
Whitey: Wow Benjamin, an etch-a-sketch, not too shabby!
Davey Stone: That's a Gameboy you idiot.
Whitey: Oh sorry I'm not up on modern technology.
Davey Stone: Whippin' out my big, white, scary moon and blowin' a beef your way
Whitey: [Looking at Davey's trailing going up in flames] Maybe it's a sign. After all, Channuka is the festival of lights.
Davey Stone: I should stick you on a twig and roast you.
Davey Stone: I carved our name upon that tree...
Jennifer: I loved him and he loved me...
Mayor: My darling wife was once a he...
Old Lady, Bus Driver & Mayor's Wife: [Guy with a stuble, dress, and blond wig] But that was long ago.
Davey: Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.
Old Lady: [disgusted at the mayor] You're gross.
Mayor: Ohh...
Davey: I can't believe I haven't killed myself / Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf / She's neurotic and he's a troll / How did I get stuck in this shithole? / Guess I'll have to deal with your demands / But please don't touch me with your alien hands.
Whitey: [talking is his sleep after being knocked out, hand is in his pants] My finger's in your mouth kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.
Davey Stone: Over there's my family home...
Jennifer: And the woods we used to roam...
Whitey: The only time I had sex was on the phone...
Phone Sex Lady: [Cut to room full of BDSM stuff and a subtitle that says 1-888-BOOBIES] But that was long ago.
Whitey: That's a technical foul!
Davey Stone: Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I'm gonna
Davey Stone: barf.
Whitey: I'm lettin' this one go, Stone. But next screw-up, it's slammer time. Hmph.
[tries to drive away; his car is stuck in the snow; rolls down the window and calls to Davey]
Whitey: Got any sand or rock salt in there? I need to get some traction!
Davey Stone: "Got any sand or rock salt in there, 'cause I need to get some..." oh SHUT UP!
Whitey: This is the happiest seizure of my life!

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