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A thirtysomething slacker suspects his parents of setting him up with his dream girl so he'll finally vacate their home.
Paula: Hey-hey. Kit: Hey... Paula... Good news. It's Champagne Thursday. Paula: It's Friday. Kit: Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week. Paula: Huh... for the third straight week. Kit: There's talk of making it permanent. Paula: Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time? Kit: Right, but for booze.
Ace: So, is Kit short for Katherine? Kit: Yes. Is Ace short for... Ace-a-rooney?
Tripp: Do you have real feelings? Paula: Of course I have real feelings! Tripp: For what? Paula: For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.
Kit: Shut up, you whore! Paula: [sipping champagne] Oh, I'm sorry. Was I sipping too loudly for you? Kit: No, you're not sipping too loudly. It's that goddamn bird outside my goddamn window! What the hell kind of devil-bird chirps at night?
Kit: You couldn't be more wrong if you called it a Canadian Goose. Ace: I'll give you a Canadian Goose. [she slaps him, then a moment later, grabs him and kisses him passionately]
Tripp: [has just agreed to go out to lunch with her the next day] Hey, wait - tomorrow's Saturday. Paula: [perplexed] ... Sometimes I eat on Saturday.
Ace: Point is, my friend, you are afraid of love. Tripp: Bullshit. No, no, no, man. I'm not afraid of love. I love love. Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right? And sometimes I'm the rebound guy; other times, when I get lucky, I'm the explore-new-areas-of-your-sexuality guy; but, every single time, we have fun. Thank you. I have fun, they have fun; it's good for me, it's good for them, and I would argue that it's damn good for civilization as a whole.
Jeffrey: My teacher Miss Kramer has a girlfriend. Paula: Oh, that's nice. Jeffrey: She's a lesbian.
Tripp: Dude, did you just drop me from a forty-foot cliff? I mean, you want to talk about a friend, man. You went behind my back and blackmailed your way into getting your girlfriend. Demo: He's right. Ace: I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff. Tripp: It's okay. Demo: Granted, he used you, but not out of malice. Look at him. How many chances is he gonna get? He saw a chance for love, Tripp, and he took it, which is exactly what we wanted for you. Tripp: Am I getting advice from my two loser buddies who still live at home? Ace: Actually, I own my home. Demo: What? Tripp: No, you don't. Ace: I bought it a couple of years ago from my Mom. That way, she has a place to live and I don't get nailed on the inheritance tax. Demo: Smart. Tripp: Wow. Ace: And Demo, here, has chosen the life of a wanderer. I mean, sure, he technically still lives at home. Demo: Yeah. Ace: But his permanent address is in his heart. He's a bum. Demo: I think what we're trying to say is that the two of us are happy, and we're perfectly functional. Ace: And you, Tripp, are not.
Al, Sue: [Sitting naked together in a recliner, singing] Hit the road, "Tripp", and don't ya come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road, "Tripp", and don't ya come back no more.
Demo: [to Tripp] You were bitten by a chuckwalla. That shouldn't have happened. It's a reptile of peace. I have a theory. This isn't the first time that nature's lashed out at you like this. I believe it's because your life is fundamentally at odds with the natural world. Tripp: Huh? Demo: Therefore, nature rejects you.
Kit: I smell something. D'you smell something? Paula: Oh! Oh, Tripp and I had crab today. Kit: No, that's not it. I smell... fun. Paula: What? Kit: You are a dirty little fun-haver.
Paula: I'm Paula. Tripp: I'm Tripp. Paula: You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date. Tripp: I don't think this counts as a first date. Paula: It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight. Tripp: Mmm. You wanna have a drink tonight? Paula: Mmm. Can't. How about lunch tomorrow? Tripp: Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday. Paula: [perplexed] Sometimes I eat on Saturday.
Paula: Look, many young men who should be able to move out simply can't. It's called "failure to launch," and that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one: We have a memorable meeting, we get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends - if he has any - uh, then I let him teach me something; but, the bottom line is, he bonds with me, he lets go of you, he moves out. Al: But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you? Paula: You look nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too. Sue: That is pretty much how it works. Al: What about sex? Paula: Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have sex... Sue: Is there anything that we need to do? Paula: Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, uh, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing. Sue: I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks. Paula: I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.
Tripp: [trying to feed a chipmunk a chocolate bar] You want a treat from the big city, boy? Demo: He's not a child, Tripp. Look how peaceful he is. Tripp: Come here, little boy. You want a little bit of chocolate, baby-boo-boo? Demo: You're giving him a Power Bar? Tripp: Everybody loves chocolate. Baby-boo-boo? Demo: Tripp, he's saying no. Tripp: Look into my eyes. Demo: He's saying no, Tripp. Tripp: Baby-boo-boo? [chipmunk bites Tripp's hand] Tripp: Aaow!
Al: [walking in on Tripp and Melissa having sex] Tripp, as long as you're up, son... Melissa: Oh! Al: Oh. Tripp: Oh, come on, Pop! Al: Ooo. Tripp: Whoa, man. Don't you knock? Al: What? Your mama's... She's snorin' like a rhino. And then this music got started... heh... heh. Oh, hey, you must be Melody. Tripp: Mm-mm. Melissa: Melissa. Al: Oh! It's Melissa! Ha-ha. It's Melissa. Okay. All right. Y'all have a good time. Tripp: Night, Pop. Melissa: Huh. Tripp: Hmm. Melissa: You live with your parents? Tripp: Is that a problem? Melissa: Are you kidding me?
Demo: What are you gonna do now? Tripp: I don't know. I'm in unchartered waters here, boys.
Al: I could get out of those ropes. Sue: You can't get out of your barbecue apron.
Tripp: Let's go shoot some strangers, huh?
Tripp: Take it you like Japanese food? Paula: Oh, I love it. I'm also gonna order huge dessert, drink too much, and maybe talk about my old boyfriends. Tripp: Yeah? Paula: Does that intimidate you? Tripp: Not at all.
Tripp: Hey, Pop? Al: Hey! Tripp. What are you doing here? Tripp: Just came by to get some stuff. What... what are YOU doing? Al: Feeding my fish. Tripp: Yeah. I see that. You're naked. In my room. Al: Well, this is my Naked Room. I mean, it's my house. A man ought to be able to do whatever he wants to do in his own house. Wore a suit for forty years. Tripp: So now we got forty years of... Al: No suit. Tripp: No suit. All right. I'm gonna let you get back to feeding your fish.
Melissa: So, where do you see us goin'? Tripp: Well, tonight, I see us going back to my place.
Tripp: All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht was a brilliant, romantic yet ultimately flawed idea, how do you see the rest of the day playing out? Paula: I don't know. I'm so hungry, I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch. Tripp: What if I took you to a restaurant? Paula: Are you gonna pretend to own it? Tripp: No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.
Paula: So, you live with your parents. Tripp: Mm-hm. Z'hat a problem? Paula: No. Not for me.
Boatyard Woman: Guys who drink Kahlua and cream are not power guys, honey.
Al: The boy's thirty-five years old! Sue: It's just not fair. Al: Thirty-five years! Sue: We were good parents and now we're supposed to be done! Male BBQ Guest #1: Hey, I don't blame my kid for stayin'. Our place is much nicer than anything he can afford. Male BBQ Guest #2: Well, our son's a flight attendant. He travels so much, it doesn't make any sense to have his own apartment. Sue: Yeah... Female BBQ Guest: Plus, he has a lot of pilot friends who let him stay over.
Al: We ain't buying that chair. Sue: I am getting this polka-dot chair. I've got my own money. Al: Unless you start dancing again, you're broke.
[first lines] Melissa: I just feel really close to you. Tripp: You ARE really close to me.
Al: Tripp meets a new girl every week. Bud: Well, let's just say, maybe he hasn't met the right girl.
Paula: Nothing like the threat of decapitation to make it a little more interesting.
Tripp: It's over. She gotta go. Ace: You're dumping Paula? Demo: What happened? Tripp: Same thing that always happens. Everything is going along nice and smooth, we're having a good time, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere - whoap! - she gets serious. I hate to say it, boys, but it is time to take the girl home.
Demo: And yet, in America, we're-we're shunned for our lifestyle. Tripp: When we should be celebrating our lifestyle. We are men who still live at home. Demo: Yes. Tripp: We're not here to apologize about who we are, how we do it, or who we live with. Demo: No! Tripp: I'm looking around this table, hombres, and I see three winners, huh? And to every one of those out there who sees something different, I say "bring it on," 'cause it's gonna take a stick of dynamite to get me out of my parents' house.
Tripp: So what do we do now? Paula: Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or do you want to spend it with me? Tripp: Hmm... Paula: Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect. Tripp: We can have a LITTLE bit of fun, can't we? Huh?
Kit: [inquiring after Tripp's buddies] The tall one's kinda cute. What's he do? Paula: Oh, he's some kind of software writer. He works out of his basement, but he makes a lot of money. Oh, you know what? No, that's the little guy. The tall one just got fired from Kinko's. Kit: [mockingly] How will I choose?
[Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop] Paula: Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you? Techie Guy: A shocking number, actually. Paula: Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says... Techie Guy: [imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background] ... Only what you take with you. Paula: But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind! Techie Guy: He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why. Paula: That's you! You're Luke!
Tripp: I do sleep well at night. Ace: On a twin bed, with Superman sheets that you've had since you were six. Demo: As opposed to you, who sleeps in a King-sized bed in your mother's basement. Ace: It's orthopedic, and I need it. And at least I'm not sponging off my parents so I can afford to get laid on every continent. Demo: Whoa, whoa... I'm a ramblin' man, I'm a tumble weed, I'm a seeker of truth! And one truth I've learned - a child is a parent's greatest joy, which is why I can't leave my parents' place, because... because they would miss me!
Paula: Do you know I have a contract? I-I-I have... I have fiduciary responsibilities to uphold. Kit: From a fiduciary standpoint, would you say that you had an orgasm? [Paula gasps]
Sue: [to Tripp] And, uh, your bathroom needs cleaning, so I left the stuff in the hall; and, when you're done with the rubber gloves, just remember to turn them inside out. Bye. Demo: Something's wrong with your mom.
Tripp: You're all getting what you wanted. Paula, you don't have to pretend to like me anymore. And, Mom, Dad, you wanted me out of the house. I'm out.
Tripp: And the thing is, Mom, Dad, I've lived upstairs since I was three, and it's been great.
Tripp: [at the top of a mountain, when Ace appears] Oh, hey there, Ace. Glad you could make it, man. We thought you went home. Ace: [dropping to the ground, exhausted] I fell into a deep, dark crevasse. I was so scared.
Sue: I don't know what to tell ya, honey, but, uh, that strict program o' yours? Paula: Mm-hm. Sue: You're gonna have to start deviating. He's breaking up with you. Paula: What? Sue: The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us is 'cause he's gettin' ready to dump 'em. Paula: Really? Well, that's not happening.
Kit: Look, I don't see why it's so complicated. You like Tripp. Tell Tripp you like him.
Tripp: Shut up, dude! Don't help him!
Paula: [at the end of a paintball game, she shoots an opponent who's been trash-talking to her throughout the game] Who's laughing now?
Paula: [of "her" supposedly dying dog] What's his real name, anyway? Veterinarian: I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off. [the dog whimpers]
Cafe Patron: I don't usually like reality TV shows, but this is so emotional.
Demo: I feel a little bit bad because I kind of implied to Paula that I wouldn't say anything, but deception's a poison. It's like margarine - I can't have that in my body.
Paula: Oh, my God. I am the worst person in the world. Kit: Oh, hey, you're home. Great. Paula: I have to break up with Tripp. I'm... I'm terminating my contract, and... I can't do it.
Kit: Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Friday's, but I don't really like that place, or anyone I work with. Paula: Oh, good, so then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like. Kit: [sarcastically] Yeah.
Paula: So do it. Buy a crummy old boat. Who cares, as long as you're out there. Tripp: Well, I'm working on it. Thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment. And if you're not ready, you just end up, well, a lonely guy with a big boat payment. Paula: Who says you have to be lonely?
Mr. Axelrod: You're gonna let her walk away? Tripp: I'm giving her space, Mr. Axelrod. Now, I'm going after her.
Paula: [to Kit] Oh, Tripp is just cruising through the steps. In fact, I think tomorrow I'm gonna let him teach me something.
Paula: I'm so glad you're here. Tripp: Yeah, of course I am. [about her dog] Paula: Um, can I have a minute alone with him? Thank you. Tripp: I'll be right outside. Paula: Okay. [Tripp leaves] Paula: [to the Vet] Ah, thanks, Gretchen. Veterinarian: Anytime. Paula: Oh, gosh, Emotional Crisis Day is so critical. I cry, he cries. It totally bonds us. So how long do you think he's going to sleep for?
[last lines] Al: What'd I say?
Paula: [about the dog] He saved my life, you know. Veterinarian: He did? Paula: And now I can't do anything for him, and I...
Kit: [finding out that Paula has set her up with Ace] No. Paula: It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him. Kit: First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker. Paula: No, I don't... I don't think that I did that.
Tripp: We've been out one time. She's a nice girl, I'm a nice guy, we had fun, and I must tell you, son... nothing is doomed.
Paula: Based on the initial personality assessment, I think that I can have your son moved out of this house and living on his own by June fifteenth. Al: Hallelujah!
Jim The Gun Salesman: [persuading her not to buy a large gun and bullet to shoot a mockingbird] Well for one, there's the book, "To Kill A Mockingbird"... Kit: Oh... A copy that, too, right here!
Paula: Come on, Tripp. Please, you... you don't understand. Tripp: You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, but that's everything I've got in my wallet. [handing over $300 to Paula] Tripp: There's three hundred dollars. Paula: Oh, come on, Tripp! Tripp: It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex. Paula: Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you. Tripp: Get the fuck outta my car.
Paula: I had a nice time. Tripp: I did, too. Paula: Good. Tripp: I had fun. Paula: Good. Kit: [screaming at the bird outside] SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY BASTARD BIRD! Paula: Hey, Kit. Kit: What? Hi. Can you guys see me? Paula: Yeah. Tripp: Yeah. Kit: Oh, great. Tripp: What? Paula: Dinner and a show. [kisses him] Paula: Good night. Tripp: Good night.
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