With only the plan of moving in together after high school, two unusually devious friends seek direction in life. As a mere gag, they respond to a man's newspaper ad for a date, only to find it will greatly complicate their lives.

Rebecca: This is so bad it's almost good.
Enid: This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again.
Seymour: I can't relate to 99% of humanity.
Enid: I think only stupid people have good relationships.
Seymour: That's the spirit.
Enid: How come in all that time I was trying to get you a date, you never asked me out?
Seymour: [surprised] You're a beautiful young girl, I couldn't imagine you'd have any interest in me except as an amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity.
Enid: At least you're not like every other stupid guy in the world. All they care about is guitars or sports.
Seymour: I hate sports.
[In a cafe, a shy young man has just given them a flyer, telling him that his band is playing there on Friday night]
Enid: God, what a dork.
Rebecca: You're just jealous.
Enid: Trust me, at this point I'm past the fact that every single guy likes you better than me.
Rebecca: Oh, face it, you just hate every single guy on the face of the earth.
Enid: That's not true. I just hate all these extroverted, obnoxious, pseudo-bohemian losers.
Enid: You know, we need to find a place where you can go to meet women who share your interests.
Seymour: Well maybe I don't want to meet someone who shares my interests. I hate my interests.
Enid: Yeah, yeah, just list your five main interests in order of importance.
Seymour: Uh... I'd have to put traditional jazz, blues and then ragtime at the top of the list...
Enid: Right, so, let's just say music. That way we only use up one.
[Seymour is trying to interest a fellow collector in a record he's selling]
Paul, the Fussy Guy - Record Collector: It has a enlarged centre hole and a hair-crack.
Seymour: But the crack is so tight it's completely inaudible.
Paul, the Fussy Guy - Record Collector: But a tight hair-crack is just that - a crack. I don't collect cracked records. I only pay premium on mint records. Seymour, you know that. Please.
[he walks away. Enid, who has been listening, goes up to Seymour]
Enid: So what was all that about enlarged holes and tight cracks?
[Seymour shows Enid his "record room"]
Enid: [looking at Seymour's record cabinet] Are all these records?
Seymour: I've got about 1500 78's at this point. I've tried to pare down my collection to just the essentials.
Enid: [looking at all the classic memorabilia in the room] Look at this room. This is like my dream room! Look at all this stuff... You are, like, the luckiest guy in the world. I would kill to have stuff like this.
Seymour: Please, go ahead and kill me.
Enid: Oh, come on, what are you talking about?
Seymour: Well, you think it's healthy to obsessively collect things? You can't connect with other people, so you fill your life with stuff. I'm just like all the rest of these pathetic collector losers.
Enid: No, you're not, you're a cool guy, Seymour!
Seymour: If I'm so cool how come I haven't had a girlfriend in like four years? I can't even remember the last time a girl talked to me.
Enid: I'm talking to you. You know, I bet there are tons of women who go out with you in a minute. I know I could you a date in, like, two seconds.
Seymour: Good luck.
Enid: I mean it. You leave everything to me. I'm gonna be your own personal dating service.
Seymour: Yeah, well, we should get back.
Enid: By the end of this summer, you're gonna be up to your neck in pussy.
Seymour: Jesus!
Weird Al: Hi. My name is Allen, and I'll be your waiter this afternoon.
Enid: Hi, Al.
Rebecca: Can we call you 'Weird Al'?
Weird Al: I'd imagine so.
Enid: Sometimes I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration.
Rebecca: And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?
Rebecca: I remember this hat. This is from your little old lady phase!
Joe: It's a waste of time trying to logically figure out the female brain, that's for sure. Maybe she got another boyfriend.
Seymour: Well... thanks for cheering me up!
Seymour: Well, I have to admit that things are really starting to look up for me since my life turned to shit.
Angry Garage Sale Woman: How much for this dress?
Rebecca: God, I can't believe you're selling that.
Enid: That's $500.
Angry Garage Sale Woman: What?
Enid: 500.
Angry Garage Sale Woman: You're crazy. It should be like $2.
Enid: I was wearing that when I lost my virginity.
Angry Garage Sale Woman: Well, why do I care about that?
Enid: Well, why do you want it? I mean, it would look stupid on you anyway.
Angry Garage Sale Woman: God! Fuck you!
[she tosses the dress back over the rack and walks off]
Rebecca: So now are you going to get a regular job?
Melorra: Oh my god, you guys, I can't believe we made it!
Enid: [Deadpan] Yeah. We graduated high school. How totally amazing.
Enid: You know what my number one fantasy used to be?
Seymour: What?
Enid: I used to think about one day, just not telling anyone, and going off to some random place. And I'd just... disappear. And they'd never see me again. Did you ever think about stuff like that?
Seymour: I guess I probably did when I was your age.
Enid: You know what we should do? We should just get in your car right now, and just drive off. Just find some totally new place and start a whole new life. Fuck everybody.
Seymour: I'm, uh, I'm not in any good condition to drive.
Enid: I'm serious! I'm just so sick of everybody. Why can't I just do what I want?
Seymour: What do you want?
Enid: What do you want?
[a pause. They look into each other's eyes]
Enid: Don't you like me?
Rebecca: So, what do you do if you're a Satanist anyway?
Enid: Sacrifice virgins and stuff.
Rebecca: Well, that lets us off the hook.
[they laugh]
Enid: [looking at the racist logo of Coon Chicken Inn] So, I don't really get it... Are you saying that things were better back then, even though there was stuff like this?
Seymour: I suppose things are better now, but... I don't know, it's complicated. People still hate each other but they just know how to hide it better. Or something.
Rebecca: [about the rap song playing in the 50s diner] So, who could forget this great hit from the fifties, huh?
Enid: I feel as though I've stepped into a time warp.
Enid: [coming out of their high school graduation ceremony] God, what a bunch of retards.
Rebecca: God, I know, I thought Chipmunk-face was never going to shut up.
Enid: I know, I liked her so much better when she was an alcoholic crack addict. She gets in one car wreck and all of a sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and everyone loves her.
[Seymour can't wait for two mothers and their many kids to cross an intersection]
Seymour: What are we, in slow motion here? C'mon, what are you, hypnotized? Have some more kids, why don't you? Jesus Christ, *move it*!
Enid: [a busty young blonde woman is walking down the street in their direction] What about her? Are you into girls with big tits?
Seymour: Jesus!
[Doug comes into the Sidewinder convience store without a shirt on]
Doug: What's up, Josh? Hey, give me two packs of cigarettes today. Working overtime, sixteen hours.
[Puts malt liquor bottle on the counter]
Doug: And nature's nectar. Wake-up juice. And give me six of these beef jerkies. I'm hungry enough to chew the crotch out of a rag doll.
[the store manager notices him]
Sidewinder Boss: Hey! Hey! You! How many times I tell you? No shirt, no service! Get the hell out of my store! What do you think this is, Club Med?
Doug: It's America, dude. Learn the rules.
Sidewinder Boss: Learn the rules? YOU learn the rules! We Greeks invented democracy!
Doug: You also invented homos.
Sidewinder Boss: Fuck you!
Doug: [with a mouthful of beef jerky] You wish. You gotta buy me dinner first!
Cineplex Manager: What the hell is wrong with you?
Enid: What? I was just joking around with the customers. It's my schtick.
Cineplex Manager: Well, lose it! And why aren't you pushing the larger sizes? Didn't you get training about upsizing?
Enid: Yeah. But I feel really weird. It's pretty sleazy.
Cineplex Manager: It's not OPTIONAL!
[he leaves her]
Enid: [rolls her eyes] Jesus.
[a customer comes up to the counter]
Soda Customer: Hi, can I get a medium 7-Up?
Enid: Medium? Why sir, do you not know that for a mere 25 cents more you can purchase a large beverage? And you know, I'm only telling because we're such good friends, medium is really only for suckers who don't know the concept of value.
Josh: Aren't there like a million places like this?
Enid: This is the ultimate. It's like the Taj Mahal of fake '50s diners.
[at their High School graduation, Enid and Rebecca encounter Melorra, an incredibly cute and annoying classmate]
Melorra: Oh, we have to get together this summer.
Enid: Yeah. That'll definitely happen.
[spying on Seymour from across the diner]
Enid: Oh my God. He just ordered a giant glass of milk.
Josh: That's a vanilla milkshake.
[repeated line]
Enid, Rebecca: Oh, we totally have to.
Enid: [noticing a pair of jeans on the sidewalk] Hey, look. There's the pants.
[Seymour's phone rings]
Enid: Aren't you going to get that?
Seymour: Let the machine get it. I have no desire to talk to anyone who might be calling me.
Roberta: [after showing her weird short film to her art class] That piece is entitled "Mirror, Father, Mirror". I like to show it to people that I'm meeting for the first time because I think it says so much about who I am and what it feels like to inhabit my specific skin.
[At the graduation ball, Enid watches a loner classmate eating a slice of cake by himself]
Enid: God, just think, we'll never see Dennis again.
Rebecca: [shrugs] Good.
Enid: No, really think about that. It's actually totally depressing.
Rebecca: [about 'Weird' Al] I want to make love to him.
Enid: I'm going to tell him you said that.
Alcoholic Customer: Do you serve beer or any alcohol?
Enid: I wish. Actually you wish, after about five minutes of this movie, you're gonna wish you had ten beers.
[Enid is looking through some posters at Seymour's place and discovers this grotesque, racist caricature of a black man's face - the logo of Coon Chicken Inn]
Enid: What the...? What is this, Seymour?
Seymour: Oh, that. I borrowed that from work about 15 years ago. I guess it's mine now.
Enid: What, are you a... Klansman or something?
Seymour: [sarcastically] Yeah, I'm a Klansman.
Masterpiece Video Clerk: [smiling] Hello, welcome to Masterpiece Video. How may I help you this afternoon, sir?
Masterpiece Video Customer: I'm looking for a copy of 8 1/2.
Masterpiece Video Clerk: Is that a new release, sir?
Masterpiece Video Customer: No, it's the classic Italian film.
Masterpiece Video Clerk: Yes, sir. I'll just check that on the computer for you, sir.
[he types on the computer]
Masterpiece Video Clerk: Yes, here it is. 9 1/2 Weeks with Mickey Rourke. That would be in the Erotic Drama section.
Masterpiece Video Customer: No, not 9 1/2, 8 1/2. The Fellini film?
[the clerk looks at him blankly]
Seymour: So, was that your boyfriend?
Enid: Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend. He's just this guy that Becky and I like to torture.
Rebecca: Oh look, there he is.
Enid: As always.
Rebecca: Waiting for the bus that never comes.
Enid: I wonder if he's just totally insane, or he really thinks the bus is coming?
Rebecca: Why don't you just ask him?
Enid: Hi. What's your name?
Norman: Norman.
Enid: Are you waiting for a bus?
Norman: Yes.
Enid: I hate to tell you this, but they canceled this bus line two years ago. There are no more buses on this street.
Norman: You don't know what you're talking about.
Enid: [about Seymour's garage sale] It was so cute how he had his own little bags. I thought I was going to start crying.
Rebecca: Yeah, he should totally just kill himself.
[she looks through the classified ads in a newpaper]
Rebecca: Oh, here's one. Oh, but you have to share a non-smoking feminist and her two cats.
Enid: I don't know... I kinda like him. He's the exact opposite of everything I really hate. In a way, he's such a clueless dork, he's almost kinda cool.
Rebecca: That guy is many things but he's definetely not cool.
Rebecca: [serving a woman a coffee] Can I get you a bis...
Rude Coffee Customer: [curtly] No, I do not want a biscotti with that.
[she takes her coffee and leaves]
Enid: God! How can you stand all these assholes?
Rebecca: Some people are OK, but mostly I just feel like poisoning everybody.
Enid: Well, at the least the wheelchair guy is entertaining.
Rebecca: He doesn't even need that wheelchair, he's just totally lazy.
Enid: That rules!
Rebecca: No, it really doesn't. You'll see, you get totally sick of all the creeps and losers and weirdos.
Enid: But those are our people.
Rebecca: [shrugs] Yeah, well...
[Enid looks at her, slightly disheartened]
Roberta: [in Art Class, the teacher is asking about their homework: create a piece of art that responds to something you have strong feelings about. She spots a wire sculpture made from two coathangers] Who is responsible for this?
Margaret - Art Class: I am.
Roberta: Talk to us about it.
Margaret - Art Class: It's my response to the issue of a woman's right to choose. It's something I feel super-strongly about.
[Enid takes Rebecca to a "party" at Seymour's place, which is really just a gathering of nerdy record collectors]
Jerome, the Angry Guy - Record Collector: Some records I will pay serious money for, provided they're a sincere V-plus. Other than that, I just prefer to have them on CD.
Steven, the Asian Guy - Record Collector: But CDs will never have the presence of an original 78.
Jerome, the Angry Guy - Record Collector: Wrong! A digital transfer adequately mastered will sound identical to the original. Do you have a decent equalizer?
Steven, the Asian Guy - Record Collector: I have a Klipsch 2B3.
Jerome, the Angry Guy - Record Collector: [talking with his mouth full] Well, obviously the problem! You expect a 10 band equalizer to impart state-of-the-art sound? Dream a little dream, it's never gonna happen!
Rebecca: [to Enid] I totally, totally hate you.
Graduation Speaker: High school is like the training wheels for the bicycle of real life. It is a time when young people can explore different fields of interest and hopefully learn from their experiences. In coming to terms with my own personal setback, I have been able to learn that I don't need to rely on drugs and alcohol, and that I'm very lucky that more people besides myself and Carrie weren't injured in the accident. And I have learned that to overcome life's obstacles you need faith, hope and, above all, a sense of humor.
[as everyone else applauds, Enid and Rebecca look at each other and laugh]
[Enid is chatting to Rebecca who is working behind the counter at a coffee shop. An eccentrically dressed man in a motorized wheelchair comes up]
Feldman, the Wheel Chair Guy: Excuse me... I can't read the trivia question.
Enid: [reading out the daily trivia question on the blackboard she's been standing in front of] Where in the human body is the Douglas Pouch located?
Feldman, the Wheel Chair Guy: Hah!
[he starts using his laptop to find out the answer]
Rebecca: [sighing] Oh, God.
[she starts making his free cup of coffee for getting the correct answer]
Feldman, the Wheel Chair Guy: Slightly below the uterus. On a female.
[Rebecca hands him his coffee. He reverses his wheelchair and manouevers away]
Enid: [giggles] Wow.
Rebecca: He does that every single day.
[Enid and Rebecca try to call on Josh at his apartment. But there's answer at the door]
Enid: I bet he's in there jerking off.
Rebecca: I bet he never jerks off.
Enid: Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like that.
Rebecca: Should we leave a note?
Enid: Yeah, you got a pen?
[Rebecca pulls out a pen, Enid takes a tag left on Josh's door handle and writes on it, leaning on Rebecca's back]
Enid: [writing] Dear Josh, we came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore you are gay. Signed Tiffany and Amber.
[she puts it back on Josh's door handle]
Rebecca: You're gonna leave that?
Enid: Why not?
Rebecca: [making fun of Melorra] "Funky!"
Enid: What, is she black now?
Doug: Rock n' roll, baby! Freedom of speech!
Enid: [Enid is reading a note clipped to her diploma] What?
Rebecca: What?
Enid: These assholes are saying I have to go to summer school and take some stupid art class.
Rebecca: Why?
Enid: God, I didn't think that just because you get an "F" you have to take the whole class over again.
Rebecca: [snickering] Loser.
Enid: Look at this. Is Stacy Himmler going out with Rod Harbaugh?
Rebecca: Oh God, how perfect.
Enid: He'd better watch out or he'll get AIDS when he date-rapes her.
[At the graduation ball]
Todd: Hey, Rebecca.
Rebecca: Oh, hi.
Todd: So, we finally...
Enid: What about me? Am I not even here?
Todd: Hey, Enid.
[he turns back to Rebecca]
Todd: So, we finally made it, huh?
Rebecca: Yeah.
Todd: So, uh, where are you going to go to college?
Enid: We're not.
Todd: Really? Both of you? Why not?
Enid: Just because.
Rebecca: Yeah, we've made other plans.
Todd: I guess I should have figured that you two would do something different.
Enid: So, Todd, what are you going to be when you grew up?
Todd: Well, I'm majoring in Business Administration and thinking of minoring in Communications.
Enid: See, that's exactly the type of thing we're trying to avoid.
[she pulls Rebecca away]
[When asked what kind of women he likes]
Seymour: Well, as long as she's not a complete imbecile and she's even remotely attractive.
Dana: I am so excited to see this film. Dustoff Varnya is such a brilliant director. Did you see his last film, The Flower that Drank the Moon? It was... glorious.
Seymour: I must have missed that one. Then again, what do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy movies.
Dana: Really? I never really cared for those. I mean, why does the fat one always have to be so mean to the skinny one?
[Enid and Seymour enter the Sidewinder to see Josh scooping some ice cream for a little girl]
Enid: Hi, Josh.
Josh: Hi.
Enid: Just stopping by to say "hi".
Josh: Yeah.
Enid: This is my friend, Seymour.
[Josh turns round, recognizes Seymour from the diner and accidentally drops the ice cream. The little girl starts crying]
Enid: OK. Well, we'll see you later Josh.
[Enid and Seymour exit]
Sidewinder Boss: Josh, what you goddamn doing? Clean up that fucking mess! Jesus!
Maxine: It's really quite something to see you all grown-up like this, Enid. I'd love to know what you're doing now. I can't help but feel I had some small part in how you turned out. What're you studying? You were always such a smart little girl.
Enid: I'm taking a remedial high school art class for fuck-ups and retards.
Rebecca: See that guy over there?
Enid: Which one?
Rebecca: The blonde guy over there.
[Enid spots him and rolls her eyes]
Rebecca: He gives me, like, a total boner.
Enid: He's, like, the biggest idiot of all time.
Reggae Fan: [walking past with his friends] You guys up for some reggae tonight?
[Enid lifts her hand, as if to say "See what I mean?"]
Rebecca: OK, you're right.
Enid: I already told you I'm not going to college.
Enid's Dad: [spreading jam on a muffin] Well, I think it's a good idea to keep all your options open. You could even enrol in the winter quarter. You could actually live here and go to the city college part time and still get a job if you want.
Enid: [reading the back of cereal packet] Look at me, I'm not even listening to a word you're saying.
Roberta: [looking at a drawing of a man smashing another man's head in with a sledgehammer] What can you tell us about your piece, er... Phillip?
Phillip: Er... it's about The Mutilator.
Roberta: [smiling] My goodness!
Phillip: It's a really great video game about a guy who kills people with a big hammer.
Roberta: Oh. I thought maybe this was supposed to be your father.
[she gives a little laugh. Phillip looks confused]
John Ellis: Well, well, well. If it isn't Enid and Rebecca. The little Jewish girl and her Aryan friend.
Enid: You're late, asshole.
John Ellis: Fine, and how are you?
Enid: Did you bring the tape?
[he shows her the videotape but pulls it away when she tries to take it]
John Ellis: You never paid me for that tape with the Indian dance routine.
Enid: Yes, I did.
John Ellis: You Jews are so clever with money.
Enid: [snatching the tape off him] Fuck you, you stupid redneck hick.
Enid: [picking up a swinging metal ornament of a cowboy on a horse] What is this?
Seymour: Dana got it when we went shopping for antiques. She said it didn't go with her stuff, so she gave it to me. Said it would go better with my 'old-time thingamajigs'.
[he sighs]
Enid: Jesus, how can you stand her?
Zine-O-Phobia Creep: Whoever told you that bullshit about boiling is out of his mind. Carpet beetles are the only way to get flesh off a corpse.
Zine-O-Phobia Creep: I'm just telling you what he said.
Enid: [having just walked into the store] Don't you creeps ever talk about anything nice? Don't you ever talk about fluffy kittens or the Easter Bunny?
Zine-O-Phobia Creep: [looking at her green hair and leather jacket] Look who's talking, Little Miss Badass.
Zine-O-Phobia Creep: Yeah! Nice outfit. Who are you supposed to be, Cyndi Lauper?
Enid: Blow me, doofus.
Rebecca: God, I'm so sick of Seymour.
[pretending to hold up Rebecca's coffee shop in a Catwoman mask]
Enid: Gimme all your money, bitch!
John Ellis: [noticing Enid's green hair and leather jacket] Oh my God, didn't they tell you?
Enid: Tell me what?
John Ellis: Punk rock is over.
Enid: I know it's over, asshole, I'm not even...
John Ellis: You really want to fuck up the system? Go to business school. That's what I'm going to do. Get a job in some big corporation and, like, fuck things up from the inside.
Enid: You know, I'm not even trying...
John Ellis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. Hey, do you have my money?
[she pulls a dollar bill out of her pocket, scrunches it up and throws it at him. It bounces off his face]
John Ellis: Oh! Oh, how punk!
Enid: You know, that tape sucked by the way.
John Ellis: Oh, I'm so sorry if it offended Jew.
Enid: Go die, asshole!
John Ellis: Get a job.
Enid: God! Fuck you!
Rebecca: Can we go now?
Enid: You know, it's not like I'm some modern punk, dickhead! It's obviously a 1977 original punk rock look, but I guess Johnny Fuckface over there is too stupid to realize it!
Rebecca: I didn't really get it either.
Enid: Everyone's too stupid!
[as they leave the diner they see Seymour in his car getting cut up at an intersection by a big, jacked-up SUV. He screeches to a halt and shouts furiously]
Enid: Oh my god. It's him! He's insane.
Rebecca: We should follow him home.
Rebecca: Oh! It's that comedian I was telling you about.
[she turns up the volume on her television, which is showing an odd-looking man performing stand-up comedy]
Rebecca: See this bit, it's the absolute worst.
Joey McCobb, the Stand Up Comic: [on the TV] Just because I still live with my mother people think I'm peculiar. So what if she's been dead for 15 years?
Rebecca: See? It's barely even a joke.
Joey McCobb, the Stand Up Comic: Well, it's like I always say, take my life... please!
[he bows and his audience applauds]
TV Announcer: Joey McCobb, the weee-irdest man in showbusiness!
Enid: If he's so weird, how comes he's wearing Nikes?
[she switches the TV off]
Enid: Joey McCobb is our God.
Rebecca: I wanna do him.
Enid: I bet. Actually, he kind of reminds me of that one guy you went out with, Larry. God, what look was he going for, a gay tennis player from the '40s?
Rebecca: Fuck you.
Enid: You dated him.
Red-Haired Girl - Blues Club: Oh, if you like authentic blues, you really gotta check out Blueshammer. They are so great.

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