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A retired master car thief must come back to the industry and steal 50 cars with his crew in one night to save his brother's life.
[as Freb and Mirror Man watch Sway feeding Toby] The Sphinx: If his unpleasant wounding has in some way enlightened the rest of you as to the grim finish beneath the glossy veneer of criminal life and inspired you to change your ways, then his injuries carry with it an inherent nobility, and a supreme glory. We should all be so fortunate. You say poor Toby? I say poor us. [everyone stares in awe at Sphinx] Tumbler: He spoke. Atley Jackson: Yeah... Memphis: Hey man, I thought you were from Long Beach. [Sphinx, drinking a beer, just shrugs. Laughter]
Freb: Hey, man, that was as easy as pie! Donny: I'm a veteran, son. [a carjacker jams a gun through the window] Punk: [shouting] Get outta the car, bitch, or I'm gonna blow your brains out! Donny: You gotta be shittin' me... Punk: Do I have shoot you, dammn it? [Donny takes his gun and knocks him out] Freb: Damn! Donny: [gets out of the car and kicks the punk] You lazy, half-ass bully! Any asshole can pull a gun on somebody! You don't know the first thing about stealing a car! Boy! You need a role model!
Raymond Calitri: Am I an arsehole? Do I look like an arsehole? Memphis: Yeah.
Memphis: I just stole fifty cars in one night! I'm a little tired, little *wired*, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!
Memphis: Without disappointment you cannot appreciate victory. Det. Roland Castlebeck: Did Eleanor tell you that?
Donny: Hello, and welcome to "TV Car Trivia!" First question, who was the driver of a '73 Firebird? Uh, Otto? Otto Halliwell: Uh, Jim Rockford, "Rockford Files". Sara "Sway" Wayland: Gimme "Columbo". Kip: A Peugeot convertible. Donny: What color? Kip: Gray. Mirror Man: How do you know that? Kip: 'Cause I love that show. Mirror Man: Man, I got three words for all of y'all: Get a life! Freb: What's on Magnum P.I.'s license plate? Tumbler: "ROBIN-1" Kip: Wait, wasn't Robin that faggoty guy that always hung with him? Memphis: Naw, that was Higgins. That was Higgins. Otto Halliwell: Hey, hey, ten points for our fearless leader. Sway, how about giving us the Bill Bixby trifecta? Sara "Sway" Wayland: Drove a Corvette in "The Magician", a Ford pickup truck in "The Incredible Hulk", and in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father", he walked.
Memphis: [From The Director's Cut] The list. Donny: Ahhh, the list. Well, I guess we gotta start beatin' the bushes trying to find out where they... whoa. 1967 Shelby GT 500? Memphis: I know. I know. Donny: You got Eleanor here? Memphis: It's weird, huh? Donny: It's... voodoo. Memphis: Oh, nonono, no, don't, don't say that. Donny: [sings] I put a spell on you.
Tumbler: Yo, so check out my new move. I call it "the Stranger." What I do is, I sit on my hand for, like, 15, 20 minutes, until it goes numb. No feeling at all. And then I rub one out. Toby: "The Stranger," huh? Atley Jackson: It's like a little boy's nursery school I've come upon here.
[in a Ferrari dealership] Roger the Car Salesman: My name's Roger, Sir. May I be of some help? Memphis: That's funny, my name's Roger... Two Rogers don't make a right. [laughs] Memphis: Roger, I have a problem... Roger the Car Salesman: Yes? Memphis: I've been in L.A. for three months now. I have money, I have taste. But I'm not on anybody's "A" list, and Saturday night is the loneliest night for the week for me. Roger the Car Salesman: Well, a Ferrari would certainly change that. Memphis: Perhaps, Mmmm. But, you know, this is the one. Yes, yes yes... I saw three of these parked outside the local Starbucks this morning, which tells me only one thing. There's too many self-Indulgent wieners in this city with too much bloody money! Now, if I was driving a 1967 275 GTB four-cam... Roger the Car Salesman: You would not be a self-indulgent wiener, sir... You'd be a connoisseur. Memphis: Precisely. Champagne would fall from the heavens. Doors would open. Velvet ropes would part.
Sway: What do you think is more exciting... having sex or stealing cars? Memphis: Having sex or boosting cars... Um, oo! Well, uh... How about having sex WHILE boosting cars? Sway: Oh, that's a good line. Doesn't work on a lot of girls, though. Memphis: I just blurted it out, I'm sorry... But, you haven't answered the question. Sway: Well, you see, the problem is... how do you get over the shifter? Memphis: Oh, oh right... because the uh... Sway: 'Cos it gets in the way. Memphis: Because you wouldn't want to disrupt the syncro-mesh... the throttle linkage... the clutch master cylinder... the overhead camshaft. Sway: I can't do this. Memphis: Straight inline 6, triple Weber carburetors, bolted to each other's body structures... Sway: Well, it's time to work... Memphis: Good brakes... good brakes, too!
[when Calitri turns on the car crusher, Memphis points a gun at him] Memphis: Shut it off! Raymond Calitri: You got 30 seconds to consider your options. Memphis: [screaming] SHUT IT OFF! Raymond Calitri: One, you kill me, they kill you, your brother dies anyway. Raymond Calitri: Two, you lie, you accept the job, you run, I hunt you down, I kill you, I kill your brother, and I kill your mother for the aggravation you cause me. Three, you accept the job, you steal some cars, you make some money, and you be a big brother. [Memphis surrenders; One of Calitri's goon turns off the crusher] Raymond Calitri: 8 a.m. Friday Morning. The cars are on the boat, or your brother's in the coffin.
Memphis: I am a baaaad man.
Police chopper pilot: [after Memphis got away from the helicopter driving Eleanor] He's gone. Det. Roland Castlebeck: GOD! Drycoff: Man this guy can drive! Det. Roland Castlebeck: What? WHAT? Drycoff: It's probably mostly the car...
Kip: Hey, what time is it? Atley Jackson: Seven-thirty. I think I'm gonna have to - get you outta town or something. Your brother's the best boost in the world but I don't how if he's gonna make this one. Kip: Uh, I'm not like my brother. You know, I don't just abandon my friends. Atley Jackson: Oh, man, I oughtta smack you silly, boy. You think you're brother ran away, you better get your story straight. Kip: Well, go on then. Straighten it out. Atley Jackson: Your mother told him to go. She knew that if Memphis stayed, you were gonna walk his line. You were gonna join his crew. But she told him to pick up and go. And he did, thinking it was best for you. He left all of us, for you. I guess it wasn't that big a deal for him though, really. Wasn't that big a sacrifice leaving everything he'd ever known behind. Than six years later, ain't life grand? You became a car boost anyway. How 'bout that?
[last lines] Memphis: [Engine dies] Oh, don't do this to me.
[Freb brings a Cadillac into Otto's place] Freb: I can deliver more than pizzas, huh? Boosted her myself. Donny: How did you get this car? Freb: Actually, the keys were in it. Donny: Well, that kinda defies the point. Memphis: You stole a car that wasn't on the list. Why don't you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we're doing here?
Raymond Calitri: [over the phone] Time's up Atley. I've got 49 cars. That's one less than required. Bring the kid and we'll settle this. Atley Jackson: Which kid is that? Raymond Calitri: Oh, The Cincinatti Kid, Billy the Kid. Which kid do you think I meant? Atley Jackson: Oh gee, I think you mean Kip Raines. Raymond Calitri: Well, gee, I think you're right. Atley Jackson: You know what? The funny thing happened: That little son of a bitch evaded me. Raymond Calitri: Find him, Atley. Atley Jackson: What if I can't find him? Raymond Calitri: Then big brother takes the fall for the slipup. It don't matter much to me. One Raines is as good as another: It never rains but it pours. [hangs up] Atley Jackson: Son of a - ! Ju - Well, I guess you can thank your big brother. I think he just took your place under the guillotine.
[approaching an alarm panel] Mirror Man: Now, to get this open we just... [Sphinx flicks his knife, and pries the panel open] Mirror Man: I'm telling you, I'm running this shit! You do that again, and I will kick...! [Sphinx turns and glares at him, still holding his knife] Mirror Man: ...Cool, man. You don't have to take everything so damn personal.
Memphis: The ladies are dirty. Walk away. The ladies are dirty.
Freb: You ever feel bad about any of this? Donny: Hell, no. I'm Robin Hood, man. I rob from the rich and give to the needy. Freb: You mean the poor. Donny: No, like I said, the needy. 'Cause brother, we need this car.
Freb: The corner of Wiltern and Wetherley... Tumbler messed up, he said the Porsche should be at the corner of Wiltern and Wetherly. Kip: There it is. Mirror Man: You're bullshitting me, right? 9024 Wiltern? Kip: I gotta get my tool. Mirror Man: Kip! He ain't bullshitting, man! [Kip opens the boot, retrieves half a brick] Mirror Man: Kip that's not a tool... that's a damn brick! Kip, man we gonna use a brick, we may as well call prison and make reservations!
Donny: See ya tomorrow night, Eleanor, with your fine ass.
Drycoff: Are you alright? Bashed Cop: I think so... Drycoff: Are you sure? 'Cause, you just went through a wall.
Donny: Hey, did you see a box of rubber gloves around here? Mirror Man: Gloves? Man, you don't need gloves! This is the new age! Check it out. Donny: What is this? Mirror Man: Just let me see that big claw you call a hand. [He spreads adhesive onto Donny's fingertip] Mirror Man: That ain't donut jelly, so don't eat it. [He applies the false fingerprint] Mirror Man: Your new fingerprints. Elvis is back. Donny: Damn... Mirror Man: Boy got skills, right? Donny: Yeah, you do. [They bump fists] Donny: You're like a little ghetto Smurf.
Drycoff: Who's Eleanor? Det. Roland Castlebeck: It's a damn car. And don't ever talk about my wife.
Raymond Calitri: They threw us out of England, they threw us out of France, so here we are. Flourishing, really, except for the minor inconvenience of despising everything about your country.
Johnnie B.: Raines! Memphis Raines! Memphis: Do I know you? Johnnie B.: Well, you should know me, considering all the business you screwed up for me in the past, baby. Memphis: Johnnie B. Johnnie B.: That's me. Memphis: What can I do for you? Johnnie B.: Well, I'll tell you what you can do for me. Get out of Long Beach, tonight. Memphis: I'm just here for a few days, I'm here on some family business. Johnnie B.: Word on the street is that Raymond Calitri hired you and your brother for a top order, a order that should have gone to me. Memphis: That's not the way it went down, Johnnie... [Johnnie and his thugs attack Memphis; he fights some of them off, but then they pin him. Johnnie draws back his fist, but then someone shatters the window of his car] Johnnie B.: Hey! Get away from my car, asshole! [Sphinx blows up the car, then advances, shedding his coat] Johnnie B.: Got something to say before I kill you, fool? [Sphinx easily thrashes Johnnie and all his thugs] Memphis: Sphinx. Otto sent you?
Memphis: Control, vision, determination. These are the three fundamental components of the new generation race car driver. Speed is a byproduct. Going fast. But remember: The car is you, you are the car. Okay? Let's ride!
Police chopper pilot: Air One. we're over the pursuit. [Memphis hits the nitrous button] Police chopper pilot: Suspect has increased speed to 120. Drycoff: Maintain visual, Air One. Police chopper pilot: 140 miles an hour. Drycoff: *Do not* lose him. Police chopper pilot: This is an A-Star, sir, not an Apache.
Sway: I've got two jobs. I've discovered that you have to work twice as hard when it's honest.
Mirror Man: [to Sphinx] Damn it's cold up here, they keep these Ferrari's refrigerated? And you know black people don't like cold weather, we're tropical people. Man, when this is over I'm gonna smoke a joint, watch two hours of Roots and I'm gonna KICK YOUR ASS!
Drycoff: What's up? Det. Roland Castlebeck: What's the story with that HumVee? Drycoff: Gone. Det. Roland Castlebeck: Cadillac? Drycoff: Same. Where we goin'? Det. Roland Castlebeck: The only '67 Shelby in the area is registered at a place called the International Towers in Long Beach. Drycoff: Let's go to Long Beach.
Otto Halliwell: How Many Days? Memphis: Three Otto Halliwell: How many in your crew? Memphis: One, but, I'm here to negotiate for a second.
Otto Halliwell: We're gonna have to go old school on this. A day to shop, a day to prep.
Ignacio: That's nasty. What kind of a sicko gets their jollies from playin' with dog shit man?
[the crew enters the Ferrari garage] Sway: Hello, ladies. I always was a sucker for a redhead.
[looking at the Humvee] Mirror Man: Hey Sphinx, check it out. Homeboy got "SNAKE" on the license plate. Well, Snake gon' have to slither his ass all the way to the bus stop in the morning... I got some low-riding music for you. It's better than that cracker shit you listen to.
Kip: Why are people shooting at us? Memphis: 'Cause I blew up their car!
Mirror Man: [Mirror Man just applied fake fingerprints to Donny's hand] Ya' boy got skills, right? Donny: Yeah you do. You look like a little ghetto smurf.
[giving driving lessons] Donny: Don't look at me, look at the people next to you! Nex... Look at the... - well, turn the wheel! Pull over, pull her the hell over! Driver 1: Asshole! Driver 2: Learn how to drive! Donny: [shuts car off] Don't touch nothing! You can't negotiate turns. You can't signal properly. You can't maintain speed. You can't parallel park. Hell, you can't drive, honey. Shit, I can't swim, I know I can't. So you know what I do? I stay my black ass out the pool!
Memphis: [Memphis breaks one of the side mirrors off of Eleanor] It's ok, Eleanor. It can be fixed.
Memphis: [Gesturing to Sway] Still looking amazing. Sway: While *you*... still look like a bible salesman. Memphis: [Reaching out and touching her forehead] You're healed.
Det. Roland Castlebeck: The easy way or the hard way, Raines. Easy way or the hard way.
Memphis: For the next 24 hours, all your decision-making privileges have been removed. You got it? Mirror Man: It's cool, man. Memphis: Obviously, they're on to us. He's sniffing real close. If anything tonight appears out of place, I want you to cut bait, get out of there, and walk away. And get rid of this goddamn car!
[Johnny B.'s gang is chasing Memphis and Kip, but they stop when they go into a diner with a police car outside] Memphis: Look! [pointing] Memphis: Cop car! Uh-huh! Long as I'm in there, you're just gonna sit out there, aren't you, ai'ight?
[on their way to steal cars from the police impound] Mirror Man: Hey, Sphinx, I don't look suspicious, do I, man?
Johnnie B.: [Memphis toasting to Johnnie B. and the gang] I'm gonna smoke you!
Raymond Calitri: I try to learn your ways, understand your obsessions. But this baseball, it's so bleedin' boring, isn't it?
Sara "Sway" Wayland: [after boosting Car #37: the 1971 Plymouth Hemi Barricuda - Shannon] It had to be a girl car. Memphis: Girl car? What kind of girl drives a Hemi 'Cuda? Sara "Sway" Wayland: I'll show you. [Sway puts on red lipstick] Memphis: Lipstick? Sara "Sway" Wayland: Matches the car. [Sway Chuckling] Memphis: What's next? Blush? Mascara? Sara "Sway" Wayland: Next time I'll pull out the, uh... leather, high heels and pink underwear for you. Memphis: Leather, High Heels and... [with Sway] Sara "Sway" Wayland, Memphis: Pink Underwear. [Sway laughing] Memphis: Pink underwear works. Pink underwear works.
Drycoff: All gone, we didn't get a single one of them, and we are talking about professionals. No visible damage to locking mechanisms, steering columns, or ignitions, and as you can see, these are not Honda Civics. This is one of three brand-new Mercedes, a car they say is "unstealable."
Memphis: I'd like to get a... chocolate malt.
[distracting the guard at the impound with a Barbie] Mirror Man: Hey, lookie here, she's a brick... , duh-duh-duh, house.
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