A young man's peculiar upbringing renders him unable to competently cope with the struggle of growing up.

Igby: Oliver is majoring in neo-fascism at Colombia.
Oliver: Economics.
Igby: Semantics.
Igby: Well, I guess DH told you.
Mimi: What?
Igby: Well, we've decided to bump all those incredibly prominent and terribly chic persons that you were expecting to speak at your memorial and, well, have me speak for two hours or so.
Mimi: What a clever idea. You do understand though, don't you, that it is customary in a eulogy to at least make reference to the deceased?
Igby: I intend to, Mother... time permitting.
Jason Slocumb: You see it, Igby? I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me. It's constantly coming down on me. It's crushing me.
Igby: It's ironic that the first time in my life that I feel remotely affectionate for her, is when she's dead.
Oliver: You beat up her corpse.
Igby: I know, but after that.
Igby: I'm drowning in assholes.
[to the priest]
Igby: If heaven is such a wonderful place then what was the big fucking sacrifice?
Oliver: [to Igby] I think if Gandhi had had to hang out with you for any prolonged period of time, he'd have ended up kicking the shit out of you.
Rachel: So are you two in school or something?
Oliver: I'm at Columbia and as far as this year's challenge for Igby, we're still waiting to hear back from this fun parochial school in D.C.
Igby: "Perchance to dream."
Oliver: He's already done the Protestant circuit. Mom must have some compromising photos of the head priest with an altar boy for them to even be considering Igby.
Igby: [on Ollie] He was ten-speeding a gazillion miles per hour through Central Park. You know, racing with all the other young Turks. When, all of a sudden he caught a glimpse of himself in the handlebar mirror and became so... aroused by it that he burst his Speedo shorts which then got caught in the gears and threw him right on his face. Splatter.
Mimi: I take it you know that D.H. is your father?
Igby: No.
Mimi: Then I'm really glad I told you.
D.H. Banes: Mimi. GET OFF THE MAID.
Sookie: You know what I think when I'm this close to another body? I think one day at one moment... this body that I'm holding in my arms will stop breathing... stop living. Just... stop. One day you'll happen upon my name in the obits and you'll remember this moment when we were so close.
Igby: You're a real fuckin' upper.
Sookie: You call your mother "Mimi"?
Igby: "Heinous One" is a bit cumbersome.
[Sookie nods]
Igby: And Medea was taken.
Igby: She's a dancer who doesn't dance and her friend is a painter who doesn't paint. It's kind of a Boho version of the Island of the Lost Toys.
Igby: Are you a vegetarian?
Sookie: Why would you ask that?
Igby: I've just never seen anybody roll a joint like that.
Sookie: What does that have to do with being a vegetarian?
Igby: Oh, they're just so precious.
Sookie: I roll perfect joints.
Igby: I'm not putting them down, they're incredible.
Sookie: Well, thank you.
Igby: It's incredible that a human being can make such neat, little joints.
Sookie: You make it sound as if I'm anal or something, just because I know how to roll a perfect joint.
Igby: No, not anal. Vegetarian.
Sookie: Well, what does that mean?
Igby: Well, you don't roll like, big rasta spliff joints, do you? Your joints are like salad joints, not like a big, sloppy, bleeding cheeseburger-that-you-rip-into-kind-of-a-joint joint.
Sookie: I guess marijuana isn't a visceral experience for me. Sex is for me.
Igby: Right.
Sookie: Ok, so I am a vegetarian, but for purely moral reasons.
Igby: You think you're what he wants? You think you fit the picture of how he wants his life to look? You think he would bring you back to our mother as a potential wife? Our mother? Sure she'd be nice to your face, but then the first opportunity, she'd pull him aside and warn him off. "Mongrel children have such a hard time fitting in dearest." He will lie to you. He will lie to you! He will use you up and marry some inbred Darien Frau who will beget him all the towheaded brats he can afford. They are rigid and they are cold! And you don't know! They are cold, cold, cold to the fucking bone!
Igby: Fuckwit.
Girl: [Igby walks into the foyer of an apartment building and pushes the intercom button to an apartment. An older woman walks into the foyer and stands there checking her mail. Girl responds on the intercom] Hello?
Igby: Lisa Fiedler?
Girl: Uh huh.
Igby: I know a girl from Baltimore.
Girl: So what?
Igby: I know a girl from Baltimore
Girl: What are you talking about?
Igby: [more emphatically] I KNOW A GIRL FROM BALTIMORE!
Girl: So do I.
[the rest of the conversation is heard over the intercom]
Girl: Lisa, there's some guy here for you but he keeps talking about...
Lisa Fiedler: Who is it?
Girl: I don't know. He keeps saying something about Baltimore.
Lisa Fiedler: The drugs!
Girl: Oh, the drugs!
[Igby gets buzzed into the building as the older woman glares at him]
D.H. Banes: I believe, umm, that certain people in life are meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way.
Igby: To where?
D.H. Banes: Success.
Oliver: Our father would be a 'slippery when schizophrenic' sign, for instance...
[pause]
Oliver: ... along the highway of life.
Igby: Instead of saying someone or something is funny, why don't you just laugh?
Sookie: [laughs] Is that better?
Igby: Much.
Igby: Can we go back to your mom's apartment and have sex?
Sookie: No! You think that'll make you feel better? It won't. It'll just make you feel really empty and sad. You're better off masturbating.
Igby: [on the phone] I didn't know Georgie had a sister. Well uh, I'm just in town for a little while, at the O'Hare Hilton. Listen, what are you up to?
[listens]
Igby: But I'm an incredibly cool and young teacher.
[listens]
Igby: Why, how old are you?
[listens]
Igby: Really? You sound older than 11.
[listens]
Igby: You're right, it's probably all the cigarettes.
Sookie: My parents were two very idealistic, incredibly bright, narcissists. I was like their vanity project.
Igby: I'm going to California. I need a fucking sunny day.
Sookie: You're a furious boy. I mean eventually you won't be a boy and it'll eat you up.
Igby: 'Furious boy'? The thought that I'm going to live my life without ever having told her to fuck off, is pretty goddamn infuriating.
Sookie: You have a huge crush on me, don't you?
Igby: Fuck off.
Sookie: Do you hate my guts?
Igby: For like a month I did. Now you're not even in my top five.
[Igby returns from military school]
Igby: Turtle. He was my best buddy. Then his rifle backfired and blew his face off. We all learned a valuable lesson about weapon maintenance that day.
Mimi: Why didn't the school inform me?
Igby: It wasn't the school's fault. They were great about it, paid for the dry cleaning and everything. Not because they had to, but because it was the right thing to do.
Igby: I love the fact that the captain of the morality team invites his chick to the same party as his wife, who let's face it, isn't the sharpest tool in the shed anymore. And what's more, none of their supposed mutual friends protects her. None of them bats a fucking eyelash at his hypocrisy. I love that, I really do. Embrace your moral hypocrisy, D.H., go for it.
Sookie: What kind of name is 'Igby'?
Igby: The kind of name that someone named 'Sookie' is in no position to question.
Sookie: He's your brother, you act like you hate him.
Igby: I do. I do hate him. He's totally hateable. Evil niblet fuck.
Igby: That tortures me.
Mimi: [to Oliver, about Igby] His conception was an act of animosity, why shouldn't his life be one as well?
Sookie: Why aren't you in school now?
Igby: Sheer ingenuity.
Sookie: You're funny.
Igby: Russell. I need a job.
Russell: [about Peeka] Psycho bitch. She's a little upset. Her one-woman play didn't go down too well at the Pyramid tonight.
Igby: Uh-huh.
Russell: THE WORLD ISN'T READY FOR PEEKA! I told her, Lorna Luft is just too fucking obscure. People just think you're doing a bad Liza.
Hockey Player: My ball, cunt-face!
Igby: Listen, I've got this discount fare and it'd be kinda hypocritical of me, ya know, you'll handle it like everything else right?
Oliver: Right
Igby: You should hate me
Oliver: I don't
Igby: You should
Oliver: I don't hate you, don't be indulgent
Igby: Never that
Oliver: You're going to California?
Igby: Yup, the sunshine state.
Oliver: Actually, Florida is the sunshine state.
Igby: Really, well 3000 miles from fucking here.
Oliver: Is there a number where we can reach you?
Igby: We? No.
Oliver: Well you call when there is, There really isn't that much between us is there?
Igby: Just an ever diminishing amount of blood.
Mrs. Piggee: And you, you, ummm... well this is what you're up to.
Igby: Bigger picture Darwinism.
Mr. Nice Guy: You two know each other. Wow.
Mrs. Piggee: Yes, yes. Igby Slocum was in my art class. He was one of my students. You used to call me Miss Piggy, didn't you, Igby.
Igby: [laughing] Yeah.
[after a bit of uncomfortable silence he pulls out an envelope of drugs]
Igby: You want me to cut this for you?
Oliver: So we started calling him Igby whenever he lied. And he lied a lot.
Igby: You know just because you're dying, I'm not going to apologize. Not for anything that I've ever done.
Mimi: Jason, tell me dearest, are you planning on bathing this week?
Jason Slocumb: I beg your pardon?
Mimi: It seems to have slipped your mind last week.
Jason Slocumb: But, I'm not dirty.
Cadet: And Igby... goes... down.
Sookie: How's your brother doing these days?
Igby: I don't have a brother, I'm an only child.
Sookie: Oliver was your brother I thought.
Igby: He is, and yet...
Sookie: And yet what?
Igby: Well I was about to say that we were both raised only children, but that sounds like something you would say.
Sookie: That's funny.
[first lines]
Igby: Why couldn't she have been a fucking smoker.
Oliver: This has nothing to do with her being in such wonderful shape. The cause of our trouble was our inability to come up with a drug short of paint thinner, that would be at least somewhat novel to her system. She's built up a tolerance to everything.
Igby: A tolerance? She's taking her fucking afternoon nap.
Igby: [to Ollie about their mother] You killed her. You can bury her.
Igby: [to Sookie] Are those cloves? Outstanding!
Sookie: [to and about Ollie] You're the fascist brother.
Igby: He prefers young Republican.
Russell: I told her; Lorna Luft was just too fucking obscure. People just think you're doing a bad Liza.
Rachel: How you doin'?
Igby: Good.
D.H. Banes: Igby, Igby... how you doin'? Well. You're doing "well". How's the work coming along there, stud?
Igby: Uh... well?
Igby: I'm scared.
Peeka: Lucky Charms?
Igby: What?
Peeka: Fucking Lucky Charms!
Igby: I don't know.
Sookie: Dimebag... well that got your attention.
Igby: Pavlov's pothead... I hear the sound of a bong clink and my eyes begin to water.
Sookie: That's funny.
[talking about Oliver]
Russell: He left you a ticket.
Igby: Excellent.
Russell: It's nonrefundable. He wanted me to tell you that.
Igby: Dick.
Russell: Anne Frank. Anne Frank. The soldiers are gone. Come out and play.
Igby: I know a girl from Baltimore.
Igby: Why do you want me to be here, mother?
Mimi: Comic relief.
Bunny: Igby, I could just eat you with a spoon.
Igby: Don't.
Igby: How many Vassar professors and intellectual theologians beget nymphomaniacal, pseudo-Bohemian JAPs?
Sookie: I am not a JAP.

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