A midwestern teacher questions his sexuality after a former student makes a comment about him at the Academy Awards.

Voice on Tape: Think about John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold doesn't dance, he can barely walk.
[while listening to the "How to be a man" tape]
Voice on tape: Now, repeat after me: "Yo!"
Howard Brackett: Yo!
Voice on tape: Hot damn!
Howard Brackett: Hot damn!
Voice on tape: What a fabulous window treatment!
Howard Brackett: What a fabu...
Voice on tape: That was a trick!
[at the Academy Awards]
Glenn Close: This is Cameron's first nomination and he's in extremely good company. Tonight he joins fellow best actor nominee Paul Newman for "Coot", Clint Eastwood for "Codger", Michael Douglas for "Primary Urges"
[blows him a kiss]
Glenn Close: and Steven Seagal for "Snowball in Hell".
Voice on Tape: Truly manly men do NOT dance.
Emily: Does anybody here know how many times I had to watch Funny Lady?
Howard: It was a sequel. She was under contract.
Emily: Fuck Barbra Streisand, and you!
Peter: What was Barbra Streisand's eighth album?
Howard: Color Me Barbra.
Peter: Stud!
Howard: Everybody knows that!
Peter: Everybody where? The little gay bar on the prairie?
Howard Brackett: This is my Peter - uh, my *friend* Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!
Peter Malloy: One day I just clicked. I said: "Mom, dad, Sparky, I'm gay."
Howard Brackett: So what happened?
Peter Malloy: My mom cried, for exactly 10 seconds, my boss said: "Who cares?", and my dad said: "But you're so tall...!".
Jack: There's only two times when that kind of thing's okay: In prison where it's a substitute and guys in space.
Mike: Guys in space?
Jack: Well, not on purpose. They just float into each other.
Voice on Tape: Excuse me, are we a little teapot?
Emily: Are you really gay?
Howard: Hmm Hmm
Emily: Was there oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT'VE TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, WHICH YOU PICKED OUT!
Emily: I've seen all your movies.
Cameron: Both of them?
Walter Brackett: I'm a member of the community and I don't mind that Howard's gay.
Tom Halliwell: But you're Howard's brother.
Tom Halliwell: As you know.
[longer pause]
Walter Brackett: Well, you know what that means.
Walter Brackett: Uh-oh. I must be gay!
Tom Halliwell: But you're not a parent.
Berniece: I need that wedding. I need some beauty and some music and some placecards before I die. It's like heroin.
Jennifer the Flower Girl: My mom says it won't last.
Berniece: Your mom's an alcoholic.
Howard Brackett: Here, I'll give you your headline! Howard Brackett is a big homo-queer-merry-sissy man. He just came out at his big church wedding. Martha Stewart is fourious!
Howard: [entering his classroom, flustered] Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead.
Danny: [scene from Cameron's movie, "To Serve and Protect"] I love you, Billy.
Cameron: Wait! Do you love me as a friend or in another way?
Danny: Another way, Billy!
Cameron: You mean, as a brother?
Danny: No, another way.
Cameron: You mean, as a cousin?
Danny: No! Another way.
Cameron: [frowns] You mean, as a penpal?
Howard: [at confession, about "a friend"] He's just never had a physical relationship with her.
Father Tim: Never? In three years?
Howard: He respects her.
Father Tim: He's gay!
Berniece: Howard, we want you to know: you're our son, and we'll always love you, gay, straight, red, green, if you rob a bank, if you kill someone.
Howard's dad: If you get drunk, climb a clock tower, and take out the town.
Berniece: As long as you get married.
Howard Brackett: Tom, do I look like a homosexual?
Tom Halliwell: Would you walk for me?
Emily: Is everybody gay? Is this a Twilight Zone?
Emily: I need a heterosexual male, CODE RED!
Howard Brackett: I just came out! At my wedding!
Ava Blazer: [after one of the girls announces that she's gay] You can't be gay! You're a tramp!
Howard: I'm a horrible person. You have every right to hate me. You should hate me. I want you to hate me! I insist that you hate me! I'm scum, I'm garbage, I'm vermin, an-an-and I'm sorry.
Sonja: I don't have time. I promised to do that photo shot this afternoon. I have to shower and vomit!
Cameron: Maybe I should thank someone else. Someone who's really been there, someone who taught me alot, about poetry and Shakespeare, and just, y'know, stayin' awake, man. Someone who's just an overall great guy, a great teacher... to Howard Brackett from Greenleaf, Indiana! And he's gay. Y'know, I've been thinking alot about this night, and I've decided to dedicate this whole night to a great, gay teacher. Mr. Brackett, WE WON!
Howard's dad: [referring to a hometown actor, who has just outed his son on national television] He used to mow our lawn. Never again.
Reporter: Should gays be allowed to handle fresh produce?
Aunt Becky: Gretchen, what do you have for best documentary?
Cousin Gretchen: Something 'bout Polish mine workers and their struggle to be free
Howard: He may be under the influence of something. He may have joined a cult!
Howard's dad: That little zombie.
[after Howard's dancing is complete]
Voice on Tape: Well, how did you do... prissy boy.
Peter Malloy: A teacher in trouble. A town under siege. A journey to the heartland. Stay tuned.
Tom Halliwell: That song always reminds me of our school motto.
Tom Halliwell: [reading in Italian] Studiare, Imparare, Partire.
Tom Halliwell: [pause] Study, Learn, Leave.
Peter Malloy: Look, everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyer or Joan London, and my network's killing me. They want me blond!
Howard: With your coloring?
[at confession]
Father Tim: Are you Catholic?
Howard: I have a friend who is... and he's very busy.
Peter: I'm gay, I came out.
Howard Brackett: To whom?
Peter: Who? To everyone. My folks, my boss... my dog.
Cameron: Eat something, I'm begging you! You look like a swizzle stick.
Sonja: Food?
Cameron: This is where I grew up.
Sonja: I don't care.
Cameron: Sonja, we're here to help someone. For once, we're gonna think about something besides our careers and our hair.
["how to be a man" tape plays disco music]
Voice on Tape: For God's sake, don't shake that booty!
Cameron: Eat something. You look like a swizzle stick!
Sonja: You mean, food?
Howard Brackett: I may sue!
Howard's dad: Get Johnny Cochrane, not that woman!

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