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With the help of a magic ticket, a young film fan is transported into the fictional world of his favorite action film character.
Danny Madigan: You think you are funny, don't you? Jack Slater: I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger. Danny Madigan: Schwarzenegger! Jack Slater: Gesundheit.
[after seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone] Danny Madigan: No. It's not possible! Jack Slater: What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever! Danny Madigan: But... that was you! YOU were in that movie! [a girl close-by hears them] Girl: [to Jack] You were in a movie? Jack Slater: Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.
Danny Madigan: ...I though I was going to die. Jack Slater: Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.
[Jack Slater is Hamlet] Hamlet: Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake! Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash. Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince. Hamlet: [shooting him] Who said I'm fair? Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night. Hamlet: To be or not to be? Not to be.
Jack Slater: [to cop barring his way] You wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of achers! [Kicks cop in the groin]
Jack Slater: You've seen these movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare"? Well, listen to this one: Rubber baby buggie bumpers! [turns to Danny] Jack Slater: Ha! You didn't know I'm gonna say that, did you?
Jack Slater: Kid! Who does the doctor treat? Danny Madigan: Patients? Jack Slater: Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing? Danny Madigan: Wearing thin? Jack Slater: Bingo!
[about to shoot Benedict] Jack Slater: No sequel for you.
Benedict: Gentlemen. Since you are about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot. Think of villains Jack. You want Dracula? Dra-cool-la? Hang on [takes out the ticket] Benedict: , I'll fetch him. Dracula? Huh. I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger, have a surprize party for Adolf Hitler, Hannibal Lecter can do the catering, and then we'll have christening for Rosemary's Baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here, and do you know why Jack? Should I tell you why? Hmm? Because here, in this world, the bad guys can win!
[Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning] Danny Madigan: How'd you know there was a guy in there? Jack Slater: There's always a guy in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.
Nick: There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, warts, politicians... Jack Slater: You already mentioned them. Nick: I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.
Jack Slater: Iced that guy, to cone a phrase.
Ripper: Hey, Jack. What kept you? Jack Slater: Are you alright, Danny? Danny Madigan: Yes, sir. Ripper: You know, I tried to change, Jack. I really tried to do what he told me to do. You know, but I kept hearing that old music. That's how I knew you'd come, Jack. Now lose the piece. [throws gun off the roof] Jack Slater: There, it's now it's between you and me. Now let the boy go. Ripper: Now we've played this number before haven't we, Jack? Let's see, what comes next. You t - you throw the gun away. Right... we did that part. [mock laughter, puts down axe] Ripper: Then, you tell me to let the kid go. Ah, I'm getting bored, why don't we just skip to the end? [throws Danny over the ledge]
Tough Asian Man: [answers the door] May I help you? Jack Slater: Yes, could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please? Tough Asian Man: I beg your pardon? Jack Slater: It's a beautiful day and we're out killing drug dealers. Are there any in the house?
Ripper's Agent: Did Nicholson show up for the premiere of "Batman" dressed as the Joker? I don't THINK so!
Danny Madigan: Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie! Jack Slater: No, this is California.
Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman? Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey.
Benedict: I understand you are interested in drug dealers. Danny Madigan: [whispering] Jack, that's him, the henchman with the glass eye. Jack Slater: Sir, are you a henchman? Benedict: No, I only go as far as lackey. Anything else? Jack Slater: Yeah, take off your sunglasses. Benedict: Who's asking? Jack Slater: [flashes Police badge] The tin man. Benedict: Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks. Jack Slater: No, they're the wrong color. Benedict: Are they? Oh dear. Let's change them. Would arterial red suit you? [points to guard dogs] Benedict: Make no mistake, they are exceptionally well-trained. [snaps fingers, dogs form pyramid] Benedict: I snap my fingers again and some time tomorrow, you emerge from several canine rector. Or you and Toto can return to the land of Oz. Questions? Jack Slater: Yeah, two of them. Why am I wasting my time with silly putz like you when I could be doing something more dangerous - like rearranging my sock drawer? Two, how exactly are you going to snap your fingers, after I rip off both of your thumbs? [pause, Benedict reveals smiley-face eye] Benedict: Have a nice day! [closing the door, he overhears Danny] Danny Madigan: He had one with a bulls-eye when he was with your second cousin. He hates his boss, he calls him a "Sicilian schmuck."
Benedict: I wonder if you'd help me test a theory? Mechanic: Sure, what can I do for ya? Benedict: Well... [Benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, looks at his wristwatch, then shouts] Benedict: Hello? I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose! [listens some more, still nothing] Benedict: I said, I have murdered a man and I want to confess! [listens some more, someone tells him, "Hey, shut up, down there!". He looks pleased]
Jack Slater: Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens? Danny Madigan: He saves the day. Jack Slater: Or, gets killed!
Danny Madigan: [Slater prepares to jump out a window in pursuit of Benedict] Jack, where are you going? Jack Slater: [referring to Benedict and his ever-changing glass eye] Got to catch the red-eye!
[repeated line] Dekker: Slater!
Danny Madigan: Chicken it is...
Jack Slater: [John Practice has just betrayed Slater] Danny told me not to trust you. He said you killed Mozart. John Practice: Mo- who? Jack Slater: -zart. John Practice: [thinks for a bit, shrugs] You know, I kill a lot of people, I can't remember half of them.
Skeezy: Umm, sir, the guy with the missing eye, I got his License Plate number. Jack Slater: Good for you. [thinks for a second] Jack Slater: ...you mean the guy with the glass eye? Skeezy: No sir, when I saw him, it was missing. Cop at Ex-Wife's House: [finds Benedicts glass eye with a message] Vengeance... is... [lines up the words] Cop at Ex-Wife's House: ...mine? Jack Slater: [the glass eye starts beeping] No don't touch... [a dome shaped explosion surrounds the whole house causing all the house, and car alarms to go off]
Jack Slater: We're that close in catching him. Danny Madigan: No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.
Dekker: And you promised me you wouldn't tell! Jack Slater: I didn't. Dekker: Well, then how did he know? Danny Madigan: "Jack Slater I". Dekker: What's winning got to do with this? Danny Madigan: No. The very first "Jack Slater". Dekker: [to Jack] You told your dad? Jack Slater: I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid! Dekker: Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.
Whitney Slater: FREEZE! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter grey, got it?
[Danny Madigan is watching the bad guys on the screen] Danny Madigan: You are gonna pay... Oooh, you gonna pay!
Death: [looking down at a wounded Jack Slater] I was only curious, he's not on any of my lists. Death: [turns to Danny] but *you* are... Daniel. Danny Madigan: Now? Death: No, you die a grandfather...
Death: [to Danny] You're very brave. But also not very bright. If I were you, I'd be looking for the other half of the ticket.
James Belushi: I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's... She is, you know... Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens.
John Practice: How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Jack Slater: By practice. John Practice!
Ripper: Jack, what kept you? Andy here's been getting nervous. I promised him you'd come. Gave him my word of honor he could watch you die. Lose the cannon. Jack Slater: Has he hurt you Andrew? Ripper: Hurt, Jack? You say hurt? What do you know about hurt, Jack? You put me in a cage for ten years. Jack Slater: You should've gotten the death penalty. Ripper: Yeah, shoulda, woulda, coulda, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Things crawling around on your head. Sitting on my chest when I wake up. You know what that's like, Jack? It was your illegal search, that rendered the bloody axe admissible. Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun. [Jack puts his gun on the ground] Jack Slater: Alright, I'm unarmed. Ripper: Just one gun, Jack? You gotta be kidding. [Jack removes nearly a dozen guns] Ripper: That all, sport? Jack Slater: Yup, that about does it. [pulls out grenade] Jack Slater: Oh, unless you consider this a weapon. [throws grenade at Ripper's feet] Ripper: Brilliant, brilliant, Jack. I surrender. Jack Slater: It's a live grenade. Ripper: Yeah right, Jack, right right right. You're gonna sacrifice your own child to get to me. I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it. Andy, pick up the grenade. [Andy slowly picks up the grenade] Ripper: Come on. Show it to me. That's good. Jack, that toy, can't hurt the boy. [flashes Axe] Ripper: But this one can.
[Jack Slater throws Benedict against a wall, and both Benedict and his servant disappears through it] Jack Slater: Usually when I do that it leaves a hole...
Jack Slater: [hearing Mozart on the radio] ... Shhh can you turn that up? What is that? Danny's mom: It's Mozart... Jack Slater: [looks at Danny and whispers] ... The one Practice killed? Danny's mom: You like Mozart? Jack Slater: [smiles] ... I don't know, but I think I will... Wow.
The mayor: Jack, as mayor of this great metropolis, you and I have had our little tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant Governor. Lt. Governor: Slater, here's what I... Jack Slater: [breaks the Lieutenant Governor's nose] When the Governor gets here, call me.
Danny Madigan: Wait a second. Where you going? Jack Slater: I'll be back! [pause] Jack Slater: Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you? Danny Madigan: That's what you always say? Jack Slater: I do? [sigh] Danny Madigan: Everyone keeps keeps waiting for you to work it in. It's kind of like your calling card.
[the nervgasbomb goes of in the tar-pit] Jack Slater: Silent but deadly!
Benedict: If God was a villain, he'd be me.
Benedict: [to Danny] I must warn you, I've killed people smarter and younger than you.
Jack Slater: Stop shouting! I'm not deaf!
[Jack Slater realizes that a nerve gas bomb is hidden in Leo "the Fart"'s body] Jack Slater: Leo "the Fart" is gonna pass gas one more time.
[watching Jack wipe tar off his face with a paper towel] Danny Madigan: You know, tar actually sticks to some people.
Jack Slater: I mean, all I had to do, is just drive around the neighborhood, and point my finger at a house, and say 'The bad guys are in there!'
John Practice: Somebody once told me I talk too much... No more words [two gunshots and falls down]
Jack Slater: I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you? Danny Madigan: That's what you always say! Jack Slater: I do?
[When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m] Danny's mom: Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there. Danny Madigan: Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh. Danny's mom: " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here? Danny Madigan: Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well. Jack Slater: Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.
Tony Vivaldi: What is this, Benedict? First you're my friend; now you turn a... 360 on me! Benedict: 180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin - *180*! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started! Tony Vivaldi: What? Benedict: Trust me! [shoots him]
[first lines] Dekker: This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas...
Benedict: Here, in this world, the bad guys can win!
Dekker: You suck the blood outta cottonpickin' toes I can take from you! I got the California Raisins cast is doing an all-male version of The Diary of Anne Frank doing the all-male version in my frizza sibba! Tiny Tim has stepped onto a totem, so what? You ball peen jackameenis, I'll slap the mouth-outtall the cocksuckin' tales I can take from you! Fridda feen? You know, you take the mayor in the library bush; you're never gonna azizza bazizzes down at the beach; go down to the beaches, y'know? You take the chicken out the bag and stick it UP!
Danny Madigan: Benedict! If you harm a hair on her head... Benedict: Stop! [Pulls one strand of Whitney's hair, presents it to Danny, and snaps it in two] Benedict: You were saying? [Pulls up a chair] Benedict: Now, I believe it was Sherlock Holmes who said, "If you eliminate all logical solutions to a problem - all illogical solutions, however unlikely, become inevitably true." See, I know that your name is Daniel Madigan. What I don't know is how you know mine? Danny Madigan: Slater showed me some mugshots. We made your face easy. Benedict: Daniel Madigan from New York. A long way from home, aren't you. When did you get here? Danny Madigan: Just. Benedict: And how do you know what I said on Vivaldi's terrace? Danny Madigan: I heard it in a recording. Benedict: Microphones in the statues, are there? Danny Madigan: You wouldn't believe how many. Benedict: And the eye I was wearing? Danny Madigan: I saw it. I saw it in a movie. There were micro-cameras in the statues. Benedict: I should tell you, that I have killed people smarter and younger than you.
Death: I don't do fiction. Not my field.
Jack Slater: Look, you're very clever and the only reason I'm not roaring with laughter is cause someone killed my favorite second cousin and that's a bi... Danny Madigan: Big mistake. [Jack looks surprised] Danny Madigan: That is what you were gonna say, right? Gee, how would I know that? Jack Slater: No one likes a smart ass. Danny Madigan: Alright, then shoot me. That's right, take out your gun and shoot me. You're not gonna do it, are you? And do you know why? Because people like you don't shoot kids in movies. Because, believe it or not, Jack, you're the good guy! Jack Slater: You really believe that you're inside a movie, don't you? Danny Madigan: Yes! Jack Slater: Alright, I give you ten minutes to prove it. Then, I shoot you.
Danny Madigan: OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store. Jack Slater: I agree with you. I think she should be working with us... under cover of course...
[Playing "Chicken" riding a bike] Danny Madigan: This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work! [Danny thinks again] Danny Madigan: I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!
Vivaldi: You've had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you always screwed it up. Benedict: [after Vivaldi leaves] It's behind the eight ball, you moron!
Jack Slater: Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun. Benedict: No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.
Danny Madigan: What if staying in the car is what gets me killed? Jack Slater: There's a gun in the glove compartment.
Jack Slater: Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?
Chris Connelly: Rip, Rip, come here. What brings you here tonight? Ripper: I, uh, I thought I might kill someone. Chris Connelly: [laughs] You should start with your designer.
[Frank's last words] Frank: I'm out of here...
Tammy, Hell's Kitchen Hooker: Sweetheart, wanna have a party? Benedict: How old are you? Tammy, Hell's Kitchen Hooker: Forget it.
Jack Slater: And Whitney! Why can't she be like every other teenager. For prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47.
Chris Connelly: What do you think Jack Slater says about America? James Belushi: [sighs] I don't really wanna hear it. I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's. [referring to his date] James Belushi: She is, you know, Arnold really turns her on and I just wanna be there when it happens.
Jack Slater: I don't care who does what to your Hershey highway!
Jack Slater: I think the taxis are bulletproof.
Jack Slater: [after seeing a Jack Slater movie poster] What is this place? Where am I now? Danny, you got a place I can sit down?
[Danny Madigan was just kissed by Whitney Slater] Danny Madigan: From now on it's all gonna be downhill...
Jack Slater: [standing next to Leo The Fart's body] He was a good man, a flatulent man.
Jack Slater: Who the hell are you? Danny Madigan: Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid.
Vivaldi: Where is it written that *I* am a bad guy?
Jack Slater: [to Dekker] Put a sock in it. I don't care who does what to your Hersey highway. And stop shouting! I'm not deaf! You know why you're shouting? Because it's in the script. You're the comic relief. Yes. And you know what else? I am the hero. So SHUT UP!
Vivaldi: Well, I'd love to stay and watch the fun, but, uh, I have to go and establish my alibi. Arrivederci.
Jack Slater: Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.
Jack Slater: [listening to the radio] Can you turn this up, please? What's that? Danny's mom: Mozart. Jack Slater: [to Danny] The guy who Practice killed? Danny Madigan: That's right, Jack. Danny's mom: You like classical music? Jack Slater: I don't know. I think I will. [smiles] Jack Slater: Wow.
Jack Slater: Is this the day you were talking about saving? Danny Madigan: Don't see *you* doing anything. Jack Slater: I wouldn't wanna steal your thunder.
Jack Slater: Oh, God, please don't let me die.
Jack Slater: Where am I sitting? Where? [removes his hat] Jack Slater: Where am *I* sitting? Candy Girl: Um, there's two balconies, I believe you're in the, ah, upper... *lower* balcony.
Vivaldi: What I'm saying is; Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as cake.
Maria Shriver: [to Arnold] And remember, don't plug the restaurants. I just hate it when you plug the restaurants or the gyms. It's so tacky.
Jack Slater: Big mistake!
Nick: Could I have the ticket back, please? Danny Madigan: Well, um, we've got this one little... um, hiccup. Nick: What do you mean "hiccup?" Danny Madigan: Benedict's here too and he's got the ticket. Nick: That madman with the glass eye? [turns to Jack] Nick: How the hell are you gonna get back? Jack Slater: That's a good question. But wouldn't want to "nitpick." Right, Danny?
Vivaldi: Mr. Torelli. I hope it's all right with you I am here. I don't wanna be no fourth wheel...
Jack Slater: [sees the portal to the real world] I'm not worried that you're crazy anymore. I'm worried that you're right. But if I go, how do I get back? Danny Madigan: You can't go through life nitpicking every little thing. Now come on! [hands him his gun] Jack Slater: [smiles and agrees] The hell with it.
Frank: We mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: [to his wife] The National Enquirer. Don't talk to them, okay?
Jack Slater: Look! Elephant!
Danny Madigan: I mean, where are the ordinary everyday women? They don't exist because *this* is a *movie*. Jack Slater: No, this is California.
Jack Slater: [after punching through a car window] My hand. It really hurts. Danny Madigan: Things work different here. You can't smash a car window with your bare hand and not have it hurt. Jack Slater: Thanks for sharing. Couldn't you have told me this earlier?
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