A promiscuous gay party animal falls for a young Mormon missionary, leading to crisis, cliché, and catastrophe.

Christian Markelli: You want revelations engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven. What if this is it instead? Me telling you I love you, right here in the snow? I think that is pretty miraculous.
Elder Aaron Davis: Do you ever read the Sunday comics?
Lila Montagne: [confused] I beg your pardon?
Elder Aaron Davis: The, the, comic page? When I was a little kid, I use to put my face right up to them, you know um, And I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots, I think life is like that sometimes. But I like to think that from Gods prospective, life, everything, even this, makes sense. It's not just dots. Instead we're all, we're all connected, and it's beautiful and it's funny and it's good. From this close we, we can't expect it to make sense, right now.
Lila Montagne: Chris? Sit down.
[he comes over and sits down, as she pours him a brandy]
Lila Montagne: Drink that.
[he takes a small sip]
Lila Montagne: Toss it, that way it's medicinal.
[he knocks back the drink]
Lila Montagne: Good! It's vital for a man to have a couple of slugs in him before discussing heartache. I think Hemingway told me that.
Christian Markelli: You knew Ernest Hemingway?
Lila Montagne: Margaux, actually. But beauties don't always escape tragedy.
Christian Markelli: Oh, God, this is hell! I've done something... I'm guilty. And I'll burn for it.
Lila Montagne: Funny thing about guilt: There's nothing so bad that you can't add a little guilt to it and make it worse; and there's nothing so good you can't add guilt to it and make it better. Guilt distracts us from a greater truth: we have an inherent ability to heal. We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak.
Christian Markelli: How?
Lila Montagne: Hm. Practice.
[chastising a major actress]
Traci Levine: Thank God she's leaving!
Andrew: Can you believe Entertainment Weekly called her "the new sweetheart of American cinema?"
Traci Levine: That cunt? She made Julie take my table because she thought I hadn't bathed recently - like she should talk. Did you see her eat?
Andrew: Yeah. Did you check out her legs? Now I know why they call 'em calves.
Christian Markelli: I bet after sex, she smokes a ham.
[Lila appears]
Lila Montagne: Darling, give me a glass of Cuvée. I do hope we're not speaking disparagingly about our clientele. Gossip is so ignoble, especially regarding those less fortunate.
Traci Levine: Less fortunate, that bitch?
Andrew: You know somethin', tell!
Lila Montagne: No, I would never... tell tales such as... with the frequency she does it, the poor child must think that binging and purging are aerobic exercise.
Christian Markelli: She hardly looks bulimic!
Lila Montagne: Yes, if I were a different sort, I'd suggest a little more of the purging and a little less of the binging.
Elder Aaron Davis: I didn't come to unload on you.
Lila Montagne: You gave me that privilege once. Let me return the favor.
Elder Aaron Davis: After we... After we met, I was... sent home and excommunicated... for being gay.
Lila Montagne: Your church doesn't like alcohol or homosexuals. Hmm... Well, I'm definitely not joining. Can't imagine heaven without both.
Christian Markelli: It might be nice to stop equating sex with a handshake and it might be nice to have it mean something.
Julie: Listen to you, you are turning into a chick!
Christian Markelli: Shut up!
Julie: You are! Wait Christian wait, seriously you dropped something!
Christian Markelli: What?
Julie: Your balls! Must have fallen over under somewhere.
Christian Markelli: This is me not talking to you.
[final voiceover monologue]
Elder Aaron Davis: Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good.
Sister Gladys Davis: [about Christian] He won your soul for a lousy $50.
Christian Markelli: [after having sex] Wow. How long did we do that?
Elder Aaron Davis: [retrieves his pocket watch and looks at the time] Two and a half hours. It's okay, ain't it?
Christian Markelli: Okay? It's amazing!
[after receiving a "special favor" from Christian]
Quinn: You're not worried about Elizabeth comin' in?
Christian Markelli: Elizabeth? My roommate is Julie.
Quinn: I'm here for a date with Elizabeth.
Christian Markelli: Elizabeth lives in 243D, as in "down the walk". This is 243B... as in "blow job". You're not Str8Curious from AOL?
Quinn: No.
Christian Markelli: [laughing] Not again.
[playing basketball]
Elder Aaron Davis: You can play.
Christian Markelli: Yeah, we can learn a skill. I played in high school and I learned out all the jocks were doin' it, but only with other jocks.
Keith Griffin: Do you feel guilty for being so good-looking?
[after having sex with Christian]
Elder Aaron Davis: Well, I'm already going to hell for kissing you so I may as well take the scenic route.
Elder Aaron Davis: Mom.
Sister Gladys Davis: Uh-huh.
Elder Aaron Davis: Mom!
Sister Gladys Davis: What, Aaron? What?
Elder Aaron Davis: It's nothing, I just wanted to see if you could bring yourself to look at me.
Sister Gladys Davis: I'm looking at you, Aaron. What am I supposed to be seeing?
Elder Aaron Davis: Nothing.
[he walks away]
Elder Aaron Davis: Look, whatever you thought, don't. We're colors and whites. We don't mix.
Elder Aaron Davis: [taking care of Christian's cut] This is going to sting a little. Funny, I'm not squeamish. In high school we went to this hospital. I was the only kid who wanted to watch the surgery. So they help me scrub down, and then they gave me a set of scrubs - you know, those green things? To put on and everything... got a Band-Aid?
[Christian hands him some]
Elder Aaron Davis: So anyway, I got to watch as they opened this guy's chest. And there it was, this human heart, you know? This human heart. You think about it beating and all, but it's more of a dance. And I couldn't get over that that's all that tethers us to this planet - this one fragile muscle. And how it's so tiny, really, in the big scheme of things. And when you think about all the things that can stop it... Well you just figure that there's got to be something else, something miraculous that keeps that valiant little muscle dancing.
Sister Gladys Davis: His name was Christian, wasn't it.
Elder Aaron Davis: What?
Sister Gladys Davis: Is Christian the one?
[Aaron smiles and nods]
Sister Gladys Davis: What did he do to you?
Elder Aaron Davis: He loved me.
Sister Gladys Davis: Don't say that! Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? How repulsive that is to God, to everyone? Two men? Men don't love, Airy. Women bring love to a relationship.
Elder Aaron Davis: Mom, he told me he loved me.
Sister Gladys Davis: He would have told you anything. He flattered and beguiled you. Tools of the devil - that's what they do.
Elder Aaron Davis: You don't know that.
Sister Gladys Davis: Yes I do.
Elder Aaron Davis: You don't know that!
Sister Gladys Davis: I do. You know why? Because when you didn't arrive home, I called your mission president.
Elder Aaron Davis: Checked up on me, huh?
Sister Gladys Davis: I was worried sick about you! And you know what he said? Your missionary companion told him that that Christian person - you were nothing more than a bet he made.
Elder Aaron Davis: That's not true.
Sister Gladys Davis: Yes, it is true. He won your soul for a lousy 50 dollars. That's all you were worth to him, and you know what, he's probably forgotten all about you and now he's moving on to his next fornication.
Elder Aaron Davis: No - no, he wouldn't.
Sister Gladys Davis: It meant nothing to him. He was using you. And that is why you can never think about him again. Ever - ever again. You've got... you have got to put this thing behind you. This horrible mistake that everybody knows about. You've seen how they look at us. You've seen how people just turn their carts around when we walk down the aisle at the market and how they look away at the bank. Why do you think your father doesn't come home any more?
Elder Aaron Davis: [Aaron crying] What if it's not something I've done? What if it's who I am?
Sister Gladys Davis: [Gladys slaps Aaron] Don't say that! Don't you ever even think that! You can be forgiven. Maybe heavenly father can forgive you for what you've done. But who you are... we could never forgive something like that.
Elder Harmon: [explaining the hardships of missionary life to Aaron] They set this thing up to be difficult. Okay? Well, we can't listen to music, we can't watch movies, we're never supposed to be alone? I mean, come on, we're 19, 20 years old and we're not even allowed to beat off. Some nights I wake up and I find teeth marks on my headboard. Look, I put my time in here so that I can go home, so that I can marry Jennifer, so that I can finally nail her. See? It's amazing what we do for sex.
Christian Markelli: God, I hate the snow.
Elder Aaron Davis: What are you doing here?
Christian Markelli: I came after you. How could you leave without saying anything?
Elder Aaron Davis: It's not my choice. I'm being sent home in shame. And I'm probably gonna be excommunicated.
Christian Markelli: For just a kiss? Don't get me wrong, it was a nice kiss but come on. We didn't even get to use our tongues.
Elder Aaron Davis: You wouldn't understand.
Christian Markelli: I'm sorry, I'm not... I'm not very good at this. See, I've never made a fool out of myself in front of anyone before. But I've never felt this way before about anyone in my entire life.
Elder Aaron Davis: What for me, some guy you can't have. And then next week you're gonna be on to your next conquest?
Christian Markelli: But what if you're not? Huh? What if everything in my entire pathetic life, which I happen to love, has led to this point right now? What if, what if you're the blinding light in the middle of the road that, that strikes me like the guy in, in...
Elder Aaron Davis: The Bible?
Christian Markelli: Yeah, him.
Elder Aaron Davis: Paul?
Christian Markelli: Yeah. And what if everything's changed like that? And lions lay down with lambs and colors mix with whites. What if you're the one that I've been waiting for my whole life and I let you go?
Elder Aaron Davis: You have no idea what I'd be giving up.
Christian Markelli: Dammit! What is wrong with you? You want revelations engraved in gold and angels trumpeting down from heaven. What if this is it instead? Me telling you I love you. Right here - in the snow. I think that's pretty miraculous. But if you don't, I... I'll... I'll go. You can pretend that this was just some coincidence. You can pretend that there wasn't some reason that we met, and that you're sorry I ever walked in your life.
[Christian walks to the door, but it won't open]
Christian Markelli: God, I hate the snow!
[Aaron grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss]
Sister Gladys Davis: His name was Christian, wasn't it?
Elder Aaron Davis: What?
Sister Gladys Davis: Was Christian the one?
[a big smile appears on Aaron's face]
Sister Gladys Davis: What did he do to you?
Elder Aaron Davis: He... He loved me.
[on the phone with Julie]
Christian Markelli: Where did we end up last night?
Julie: I don't know, but I woke up without my bra and that's never a good sign.
[notices he's wearing it]
Christian Markelli: I wouldn't worry about it.
Christian Markelli: I thought I'd rather die than be gay. I got a pretty good idea of what dying felt like. But lying there in the arms of that man, I thought if this is what being gay feels like... bring it on.
Julie Taylor: We're shirts. You're skins.
Elder Aaron Davis: [pulls down the hem of his shirt blushing] Uh... no.
Christian Markelli: Fine, we'll be skins.
[both him and Juile take off their shirts]
Elder Paul Ryder: [looking at Juile's chest] Whoa!
[walks into the basketball pole]
Elder Paul Ryder: Ow!
Julie Taylor: Why don't we just play two-on-two?
Ryder: But you're...
Julie Taylor: A girl? So I can't play? But then I am black so maybe I can. Your only problem's gonna be deciding which one of your narrow-minded stereotypes is gonna kick your lily-white ass. Afraid you'll get beaten?
Christian Markelli: By a girl and a fag?
[joking around with Christian]
Elder Aaron Davis: Dude, you're way too easy.
Christian Markelli: [seductively] So I've heard.
Lila Montagne: I don't believe in coincidence. These days, I believe in miracles.
[first lines]
Elder Aaron Davis: When I first came to Los Angeles, it looked like just this mass of dots... all jumbled and disconnected. It was pretty disorienting.
Christian Markelli: Look, if there's a problem, I could come back.
Elder Aaron Davis: Look, maybe I'm just homesick.
Christian Markelli: Homesick? For Idaho?
Elder Aaron Davis: Okay, fine, but...
Christian Markelli: I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm... It's just... When I left home, it was just 'zoom', like a rocket. But if you've never been away from home before... Have you?
Elder Aaron Davis: What? I've been away from home, just not for two whole years.
Christian Markelli: [in an English accent] 'Could be worse, could be raining.'
Elder Aaron Davis: That's Young Frankenstein.
Christian Markelli: Yeah. So two years, huh?
Elder Aaron Davis: Yeah. We're not allowed to call or go home in the holidays and they're not allowed to visit.
Christian Markelli: Wow, where do I sign up?
Elder Aaron Davis: Hey. Happen to like my family. 'After all, a boy's best friend is his mother.'
Christian Markelli: [confused for a while, then gets it] Psycho, that's Psycho, right? 'She goes a bit mad sometimes. We all go a bit mad sometimes.'
[Aaron laughs]
Christian Markelli: Least you got your friends here, right?
Elder Aaron Davis: What, Ryder? No. We just got assigned to each other a few weeks ago.
Christian Markelli: Oh. Well, better you than me.
Elder Aaron Davis: [about him being gay] What if it's not something I've done? What if it's who I am?
Sister Gladys Davis: [slaps him] Don't say that! Don't you ever even think that!
[they both start crying]
[reading a tabloid]
Christian Markelli: Oh... Say it isn't so.
Keith Griffin: What?
Christian Markelli: Well, apparently, poor Pam Anderson has had her breast implants taken out and put back in so many times that her entire chest is collapsing.
Christian Markelli: Oh, they have bikini pictures! They're horrible!
Keith Griffin: Shut up.
Christian Markelli: No, they are - seriously. They're down to her knees. Eat your chicken and I'll show you.
Keith Griffin: Prick.
[does as he's asked]
Keith Griffin: Give me the fucking magazine.
Christian Markelli: [about them having sex] It's okay, this doesn't have to mean anything.
Elder Aaron Davis: Yes, it does.
Christian Markelli: It can be just a little fun between friends.
Elder Aaron Davis: My first time can be just a little fun for you? Maybe you equate sex with a handshake. And that's what? Like a badge? What do you want me to? Congratulate you?
Christian Markelli: Hey. Don't preach to me. Okay? Haven't heard you are some kid from the sticks? You come in here and you're gonna fuckin' judge me?
Elder Aaron Davis: Yeah. Yeah, I'm just some doodah pudknocker from Pocatello. They ship us here from Dork Island.
Christian Markelli: What?
Elder Aaron Davis: I'm saying I know how retarded you think I am, okay? You found me out, all right? My worst secret. Now I'm humiliated so your work is done here.
Christian Markelli: Wait, I don't think you're a dork. But if you know how ridiculous you look, why would you do it?
Elder Aaron Davis: Don't you believe in anything?
Christian Markelli: Yeah!
Elder Aaron Davis: Then tell me! You tell me one thing in your life beyond a shadow of a doubt that you really believe.
Christian Markelli: I believe Ann Margret has never been given her due as an actress.
Elder Aaron Davis: Duh, for Tommy alone, I mean did you see her when she was...
[catching himself]
Elder Aaron Davis: But is that something you can build a life on? Look at yourself! You're so pretty and colorful on the outside, but inside you're nothing but fluff? You're like... You're like a walking, talking marshmallow Peep?
Christian Markelli: That's not fair.
Elder Aaron Davis: It doesn't matter when it's true. I can't believe what I was about to do when there is nothing, Christian, nothing about you that's not skin-deep.
Lila Montagne: A toast, an affirmation, a prayer of thanks. I want you to know that, wherever we find ourselves in this world, whatever our successes or failures, come this time of year, you will always have a place of my table. And a place in my heart.
Keith Griffin: It's back.
Christian Markelli: Yeah, this must be your lucky fuckin' day.
Keith Griffin: Or maybe I'm just not suffering enough yet. I didn't expect to see you again.
Christian Markelli: Oh, come on now. You don't think you going all 'Miss Cleo the Psychic' on my ass is gonna scare me off that easy - now do you?
Keith Griffin: Maybe it's just dementia setting in. Sometimes I read people and I... I think I'm the oracle of Delphi.
Christian Markelli: Well, sometimes I growl at people. Doesn't make me Eartha Kitt. I'm just goin' to put this right about here.
Keith Griffin: It doesn't matter, I'm still not hungry.
Christian Markelli: I don't remember asking you if you were. I just deliver this stuff, remember? But my friend Andrew made this, and he doesn't even cook for his boyfriends. So the least you could do is tryin' to be polite, and eat it.
Keith Griffin: I don't have to pretend to be polite. I think I've... I think I've earned that right.
Christian Markelli: Oh yes, that's right; you're dying, you're bitter, blah, blah, blah... Fortunately I'm shallow so I'm impervious to that. Now eat it.
Keith Griffin: Impervious? Bet you don't know how to spell that.
Christian Markelli: Sure I do. It's spelled 'Bite me.'
Keith Griffin: Where are you going with my goddamn flowers?
Christian Markelli: But they are...
Keith Griffin: We don't throw anything out that's not completely dead. Deal?
Christian Markelli: Deal.
Keith Griffin: And another thing, you got to quit coming over here and moping around. You're fucking depressing me.
Christian Markelli: I'm depressing you?
Keith Griffin: That's what I'm sayin'. If we've reached the point where you're dragging my day, oh, then... we got a problem. Seriously, you gotta do somethin'. Somethin' to make a move, just... find a way to get past this.
Christian Markelli: Are you being the oracle guy now?
Keith Griffin: No. I'm... just bein' your friend.
Lila Montagne: [to some confused customers about Aaron's and Christian's embrace] He's a great tipper.
Andrew: Quit bitching. It's the early bird who gets the worm.
Christian Markelli: There's an incentive... Especially as we don't get pizza till two AM.
Andrew: Okay, here's the deal: After your training, I'm gonna set you up on a route.
Christian Markelli: A route? On my first day?
Andrew: It's what you do already. It's deliverin' food. Only this time you're drivin'. Think of yourself as a waiter on wheels.
Christian Markelli: [sarcastically] Great. Give me some hot pants and roller skates, this will be the fulfillment of a dream.
Andrew: [looks Christian up and down] For all of us.
Elder Paul Ryder: God hates homos.
Christian Markelli: You're gonna come into my house and tell me God hates homosexuals?
Elder Aaron Davis: And the French.
Elder Paul Ryder: [puzzled] God hates the French?
Elder Aaron Davis: Everybody hates the French.
Lila Montagne: [talking to her employee who are slacking off] I heard that Disney's opening a Fantasia restaurant where the plates fly themselves to the tables. Until then, what to do?
Elder Farron Davis: In the light of your abnormal and abominable state and your refusal to see that you've been duped into a hogwash alternative lifestyle - I wish my shame was enough for both of us, not to mention the shame you've brought to our church, our family, our ancestors...
Elder Aaron Davis: Wait a minute, our ancestors? Dad, your grandfather had half a dozen wives. Same goes for every single person in this room. I'd say we're really the original definition of 'alternative lifestyle.'
Elder Farron Davis: Are you calling us hypocrites?
Elder Aaron Davis: No, we've gone way beyond hypocrisy, Dad, now we're just being mean.

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