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A family determined to get their young daughter into the finals of a beauty pageant take a cross-country trip in their VW bus.
Grandpa: A real loser is someone who's so afraid of not winning he doesn't even try.
Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it. Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is? Dwayne: He's the guy you teach. Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
[from trailer] Olive: Grandpa, am I pretty? Grandpa: You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Olive: You're just saying that. Grandpa: No! I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or your personality.
Olive: I'd like to dedicate this to my grandpa, who showed me these moves. Pageant MC: Aww, that is so sweet. [Audience applauds] Pageant MC: Is he here? Where's your grandpa right now? Olive: In the trunk of our car.
Richard: Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone, just... pretend to be normal.
Olive: Why were you unhappy? Frank: I fell in love with someone... [interrupted by Grandpa blowing his nose] Frank: ...who didn't love me back. Olive: Who? Frank: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him. Olive: *Him*? You fell in love with a boy? Frank: Very much so. Olive: That's silly. Frank: You're right it was silly. It was very silly Grandpa: That's another word for it.
Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest. Frank: I'm glad you're talking again, Dwayne. You're not nearly as stupid as you look.
Olive: Do you eat ice cream? Miss California: Yes. My favorite is Chocolate Cherry Garcia... except technically I think it's a frozen yogurt.
Grandpa: Are you gettin' any? Richard: Dad! Grandpa: You can tell me, Dwayne. Are you gettin' any? Richard: Come on, please. Grandpa: [Dwayne shakes his head] No? Jesus. You're what? Fifteen? My God, man! Richard: Dad! Grandpa: You should be gettin' that young stuff. Richard: Dad! Grandpa: That young stuff is the best stuff in the whole world. Richard: Hey! Hey! Dad! That's enough! Stop it! Grandpa: Will you kindly not interrupt me, Richard! See, right now you're jailbait, they're jailbait. It's perfect. I mean, you hit 18, man! You're talkin' about three to five.
Sheryl: You know, like it or not, we're still your family, for better or worse... Dwayne: No, you're *not* my family! I don't wanna *be* your family! I hate you fucking people! Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking losers, you're losers! No, please just leave me here, Mom. Please, please, please. Please... just leave me here.
Richard: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers. Frank: [sarcastically] It is? Really? Richard: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level. Frank: [sarcastically] Wow, Richard, you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom? Richard: Oh, that ones on the house.
Dwayne: [while Sheryl is crying he writes this on a piece of paper to Olive] Go Hug Mom
Sheryl: [after Frank tried to commit suicide] I'm so glad you're still here. Frank: Well, that makes one of us.
Olive: Do you think there's a Heaven? Frank: Well, it's hard to say, Olive. I don't think anyone knows for sure. Olive: I know, but what do *you* think? Frank: Well... um... uh... Olive: I think there is. Frank: Think I'll get in? Olive: Yeah. Frank: Promise? Olive: Yeah.
Richard: There's two kinds of people in this world, there's winners and there's losers. Okay, you know what the difference is? Winners don't give up.
Grandpa: Jesus, I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. You know how tired I am? If a girl came up to me and begged me to fuck her, I couldn't do it. That's how tired I am.
Frank: No one gets left behind! No one gets left behind! Outstanding soldier! [saluting Dwayne] Frank: Outstanding!
Grandpa: [to Dwayne] Fuck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women. Richard: Okay, dad, I think we get it. Grandpa: [to Dwayne] Are you getting it? Is it going in anywhere? No, don't show me the pad. I don't wanna see the fucking pad.
Sheryl: What did he say? Richard: I'll tell you when I regain consciousness.
Frank: So who do you hang around with? Dwayne: [shakes his head] Frank: No one? Dwayne: [whips out a pen and notebook from his back pocket. bangs the end of the pen on table and writes on a notepad: "I Hate Everyone."] Frank: What about your family? Dwayne: [deeply underlines "Everyone"]
Frank: [recounting his unrequited love for his student] He fell in love with another man,a colleague of mine; Larry Sugarman. Sheryl: Who's Larry Sugarman? Frank: Probably the second highest regarded Proust scholar in th US. Richard: Who's number 1? Frank: That would be me Rich. Richard: Really?
Frank: Good night Dwayne. Dwayne: [scribbles on notepad] Don't kill yourself tonight. Frank: Not on your watch Dwayne. I wouldn't do that to you. Dwayne: [on notepad] Welcome to hell. Frank: Thanks Dwayne. Coming from you that means a lot.
Frank: [after Dwayne reads an eye test pamphlet and finds he may be colourblind, destroying his life goal of enlisting in the Air Force] You can't fly jets if you're colourblind. [Dwayne immediately falls into an emotional breakdown; Frank, Olive and Sheryl all yell for Richard to pull over the vehicle] Dwayne: [Dwayne springs from the stopped van into an empty field] *FUCK!* [collapses, screaming and sobbing, breaking his nine-month vow of silence] Sheryl: What happened? Frank: He's colourblind. He can't fly. Sheryl: Oh, Jesus... oh, no. Sheryl: [waits several moments, then approaches Dwayne] Dwayne...? Dwayne, honey, I'm sorry. Dwayne, come on. We have to go. Dwayne: I'm not going. Sheryl: Dwayne... Dwayne: I said *I'm not*, okay? I don't care, I'm not getting on that bus again. Sheryl: Dwayne, for better or worse, we're your family... Dwayne: [stands up] No, you're *not* my family, okay? I don't want to *be* your family! I *hate* you fucking people! *I hate you!* Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking *losers*! You are losers! Sheryl: [whispers] Dwayne... Dwayne: [begins to cry again] No, *please* just leave me here, Mom. Okay? Please, *please*. Please just leave me here. [sits back down, crying continues]
[Dwayne looks around van; writes frantically on notepad... ] Frank: [reading notepad] "Where's Olive?"... Sheryl: Oh!
Frank: I am going to get something to drink. You want anything? Grandpa: Yeah, get me some porn. Get me something really nasty too, I don't want any of that airbrushed shit. Frank: Okay. Grandpa: Okay, here's a $20. Get yourself a little treat too, get yourself a fag rag. Frank: All right, I will.
Pageant Assistant Pam: [as Dwayne walks by] Are you authorized to be here? Dwayne: No. Dwayne: [to girl in hallway] Where are the dressing rooms? Girl in Hallway: Are you allowed to be here? Dwayne: Just tell me where the dressing rooms are!
Richard: Everybody just pretend to be normal.
Olive: [going over eye test pamphlets] Mom, Dwayne's got 20/20 vision! Sheryl: I bet he does... Olive: Now, let's see if you're colorblind. [opens the pamphlet] Olive: What's the letter in the circle? [Dwayne looks confused] Olive: No in the circle. The letter... in the circle? Frank: Can you see a letter, Dwayne? Olive: It's an A. See? Right there? Frank: It's bright green. [to himself] Frank: Oh man. [Dwayne scribbles anxiously on his notepad - "What?"] Frank: Dwayne, I think you might be colorblind. [pause, Dwayne holds up his notepad again - "What?"] Frank: You can't fly jets if you're colorblind. [Dwayne starts to panic, starts hitting the window and the chair in front of him, he then attempts to open the door]
Grandpa: Losers are people who are so afraid of not winning, they don't even try.
[following Olive's act, the Hoovers are sitting outside the Suite Redondo security office] Officer Martinez: Okay, you're out. On the condition that you never enter your daughter in a beauty pageant in the state of California, ever again. Ever. Frank: I think we can live with that.
Richard: Hey, I will pull this truck over, right now! Grandpa: So, pull the truck over! You're not gonna shut me up! FUCK YOU! I can say what I want!
Dwayne: [after finding out that he is colour blind and can't fly planes] FUUUUUUCK!
Pageant Official Jenkins: [outraged at Olive's talent act] What is your daughter doing? Richard: She's kickin' ass... that's what she's doing.
Olive: Mom? Dad? Richard: [half asleep] What is it, hon? Olive: Grandpa won't wake up.
Olive: [takes off her head phones and grandpa suddenly puts a pauses to his ongoing swearing] What are you guys talking about? Grandpa: Politics.
Sheryl: [to Frank] He started snorting heroin. Frank: [to Grandpa] You started snorting heroin? Grandpa: [in response to Frank, aimed at Dwayne] Let me tell ya, don't do that stuff. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit. Frank: [to Grandpa] Well what about you? Grandpa: [to Frank] What about me? I'm old. When you're old you're crazy not to do it.
Dwayne: I apologize for the things I said. I was upset, and I didn't really mean them.
Frank: Who is that? Nietzsche? So you stopped talking because of Friedrich Nietzsche? Far out.
Grandpa: Every night it's the fucking chicken! Holy God Almighty! Is it possible just once we could get something to eat for dinner around here that's not the goddamned fucking chicken?
Frank: I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor? Sheryl: Frank... Grandpa: Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool... They got golf... Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that's like? Frank: You must have been very busy. Grandpa: Ho oh. I had second degree burns on my johnson, I kid you not. Frank: Really? Grandpa: Forget about it.
Grandpa: Listen to me, I got no reason to lie to you, don't make the same mistakes I made when I was young. Fuck a lotta women kid, not just one woman, a lotta women.
Richard: It's this Sunday? Why can't Jeff and Cindy take her? Sheryl: They have some equestrian thing in Santa Barbara. Richard: You know, they do that horse shit every-single-weekend. Sheryl: Well, it's the nationals. They're taking both horses, so apparently it's a big deal.
Frank: Have I mentioned that I am the preeminent Proust scholar in the US?
Richard: Sweet sweetness!
Grandpa: Dwayne? That's your name, right?
[lying to the mortuary service about why the dead grandfather is in their car] Richard: We were driving for five or six hours... and we thought he was napping...
Frank: [as audience members boo Olive's performance] Where are they? I will *kill* those little fuckers!
Grandpa: Again with the fucking chicken. Richard: Dad. Grandpa: It's always with the goddamn fucking chicken.
[first lines] Richard: There are two kinds of people in this world, winners and losers.
Pageant Assistant Pam: [Dwayne walks swiftly by] Are you authorized to be backstage? Dwayne: [emotionless; without stopping] No.
Frank: I couldn't help noticing Dwayne has stopped speaking. Sheryl: Oh, yeah, he's taken a vow of silence.
Olive: Can I get the, uh, waffles? And, um, what does "a la mode-y" mean? Diner Waitress: Oh that means it comes with ice cream! Olive: Ok. A la mode-y then.
Grandpa: [to Frank] Get yourself a fag rag.
Richard: [as he rolls up the sheet that covered Grandpa and packs the bags in the trunk of the bus] You know, Olive, Grandpa would have been proud of you today. Olive: Really? Sheryl: You were great. Frank: You were better than great. Dwayne: You were incredible.
Richard: It's stuck or something. Sheryl: Try pulling it from here.
Frank: [reading what Dwayne is writing on his notepad] But. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Have. Any. Fun. Frank: Yeah, we're all with ya on that one, Dwayne.
Grandpa: Olive, Richard is an idiot. I like a woman with meat on her bones.
Kirby: Your packet has tickets in it, and there's your badge number. Richard: Okay. Kirby: Is there anything else? Richard: Uh, yeah. Is there a funeral home around here?
Olive: What are you guys talking about? Grandpa: [thinks for a moment] Politics. Olive: Oh.
Frank: Did you know that "a la mode", in French, translates literally to "in the fashion"? A la moooode... It comes from the latin word modus to do or proper measure. Richard: Frank shut up.
Richard: I can't slow down. I can't slow down. Sheryl: Come on, Olive. Frank: Come on, sweetie, jump. Jump in the car.
[last lines] Pageant Official Jenkins: What in the world?
Richard: We're going to California.
Frank: Is he always like this? How can you stand it?
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