Taken aback by his mother's wedding announcement, a young man returns home in an effort to stop her from marrying his old high school gym teacher, a man who made high school hell for generations of students.

John Farley: Lets go, Woodcock.
Mr. Woodcock: You must like getting spanked, Farley. I guess it runs in the family.
John Farley: You have a father?
Mr. Woodcock: Of course I have a father, Farley, I'm not Jesus.
Pizza Waiter: Woodcock's plowing your mom?
John Farley: [quietly to Woodcock, as he seems stunned] Are you okay?
John Farley: [loudly] RHETORICAL QUESTION, WOODCOCK!
[slams him in the back with a chair]
Mr. Woodcock: [after Farley flips Mr. Woodcock in hospital bed] One pothole in this entire town Farley... and you've managed to find it.
Mr. Woodcock: You're going to find out there are alot more important things to know than the capital of Montana. Nedderman, what's the capital of Montana?
Young Nedderman: Helena?
Mr. Woodcock: Who cares? Go run a lap!
Mr. Woodcock: S-s-s-set of ten!
Nedderman: What's next, the Hitler Calzone?
Mr. Woodcock: I don't do 'Sorry'.
John Farley: What?
Mr. Woodcock: Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups... and I'm neither one.
John Farley: When you make a blame sandwich, you gotta be ready to eat it yourself.
Maggie Hoffman: [to the flight attendant] Could I get a real bottle, please? I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.
Maggie Hoffman: Look, I don't care if your granny is on fire.
Maggie Hoffman: This is Oprah! She farts on a book and it magically sells a million copies.

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