A forty-something preschool teacher looks to the personals for a change of pace and a relationship, with hilarious results.

Jake: You know, but I think your heart grows back bigger. You know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And, um, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place and that's how I see it, anyway.
Jake: It's a long story, something about the violation of expectations and a crushing loss of faith, and love, and life, and art.
Bill: So it's a girl?
Jake: Yes.
Bill: I've had a little bit of girl trouble myself lately. But it is better to have loved and lost, am I right?
Jake: She was a unique constellation of attributes; she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?
Bill: A philosopher as well as an artist, yes, it is we who suffer most.
Jake: Yes, with the possible exception of the victims of violent crime
Carol: Where are your boob shirts?
[holds up Sarah's sweaters]
Sarah: What?
Carol: Your *boob* shirts!
Christine: Don't worry, I brought some of mine!
Bob: You sure you don't want to come in, we just opened a bottle of wine.
Sarah: Oh I think I'd rather die, but thank you.
Dolly: I love this internet. It's part fantasy, part community, and you get to pay your bills naked.
Sarah: I want to be in love. I want to wake up next to someone and see them smile, do the whole Sunday breakfast thing, go out and get the paper, stay in bed together all day.
Vinnie: I thought a great place to meet girls would be night school, you know, where they teach English as a second language. You know, because these girls would be from foreign lands and, you know, maybe still a little disoriented from the journey and I would look attractive because... I speak English very goodly. But in the end it did not work out as I had hoped, I mean, basically I was told to take a hike in fourteen languages.
Jake: That's what it was like when I met Sarah. Anyway that's what I
Sarah: I made you nauseous?
Jake: In a good way - I was lovesick.
Sarah: [laughing] That was good, honey.
title cards: [in front of two dogs who played Mother Teresa] No animals were harmed during the filming of this movie.
title cards: Though we were petted within an inch of our lives.
Jake: Oh Charlie, you should've seen this girl; she's shy, she's fragile, she's self conscious, she has no idea how beautiful she is... she's a M-E-S-S-S... it's FAN-TAS-TIC!
[Jake and Sarah are trying to buy some condoms because neither of them had any; Jake returns from a store to the car]
Jake: They're out!
Sarah: How can they be out?
Jake: I have a theory about this. Everyone in the city is having sex at the exact same time... except for us. But we will press on.
Austin: [after getting a bloody nose in Sarah's class] Good Lord! It's a gusher!
[first lines]
Rebecca: The best place to meet a guy is at the supermarket. You don't need to waste a lot of time there, either. You see a guy holding a list, you know he's married. He's in the frozen food section carrying a small basket, he's single. I like to hang out by fruits and vegetables, there's a better chance of getting a guy who's healthy.
Carol: Hello! Don't worry, it's just me. I'm in the kitchen. I filled your freezer again. There's now enough meat to feed every guy who answered your ad and still...
[Walks in from the kitchen and sees Jake]
Carol: Whoa.
Sarah: Jake Anderson, my sister Carol. Jake did, in fact, answer the ad.
Jake: Do I get my meat?
[Carol tosses him the meat]
Jake: She did not see my A game!
Charlie: Sounds like she didn't see your B or C game either.
Marc: He has balls of steel.
Carol: We're very proud.
Deli Guy: Hi, can I help you?
Sarah: Single chicken breast please.
Deli Guy: You know for an extra $0.75 cents you can get the whole fryer here. Two breasts, two thighs and a wing, today's special.
Sarah: Thank you, I don't know when I'd eat all that.
Deli Guy: It's just an extra $0.75 cents.
Sarah: It's not the $0.75 cents, I hate to see food go bad.
Deli Guy: Oh, we got a hundred recipes here. You can always cook 'em up freeze 'em and...
Sarah: Look, Listen to me mister! I'm divorced ok? I eat alone, usually standing over the sink, I don't want a bunch of chicken hanging around, ok? Thank you.
Jake: [Driving in search of condoms] So this pre-school of yours, it's what? Traditional, developmental, Montessori?
Sarah: Yeah, yeah, all that. Drugstore!
Christine: [Sarah is in the bath and not picking up the phone] Sarah, it's me, Christine. Pick up. Come on, Sarah. I already talked to Dad.
Sarah: [sighs and answers the phone] Who else knows?
Christine: No one.
Sarah: Come on, Carol has to know.
Christine: Why does Carol have to know? Couldn't I once know something before she does?
Sarah: [realizing] She's there with you, isn't she?
Christine: No.
Sarah: Hello, Carol.
Carol: [small beat] Hi, Sarah. I was telling Chris it's a shame I didn't know about this before because I would have called Uncle Chet. We could have doubled.
Sarah: Oh, no. This story is going to be immortalized into family history, isn't it? Told and retold at Thanksgiving dinner, year after year...
Carol: Oh, not just Thanksgiving. I think it's a good Christmas story to.
[both Carol and Christine laugh]
Sarah: Bye guys.
Christine: [laughing] Wait. Tell the truth. One a scale of one to ten how would you rate Dad as a date? Hot, super hot?
[Sarah hangs up]
Marcia: Probably the best place is Home Depot... or any hardware store. You just walk up to the cutest guy and say "Do you know where I get nailed? I mean nails? Pardon me, I've been drinking all afternoon." And that way he knows: one, that you're easy, and two, that you like to drink.

If you find QuotesGram website useful to you, please donate $10 to support the ongoing development work.