An aging, booze-addled father makes the trip from Montana to Nebraska with his estranged son in order to claim a million-dollar Mega Sweepstakes Marketing prize.

Receptionist: Does he have Alzheimer's?
David Grant: No, he just believes what people tell him.
Receptionist: That's too bad.
Kate Grant: [looking at graves] There's Woody's little sister, Rose. She was only nineteen when she was killed in a car wreck near Wausa. What a whore!
David Grant: Mom!
Kate Grant: Nah, I liked Rose, but my God, she was a slut.
David Grant: C'mon...
Kate Grant: I'm just telling you the truth!
David Grant: Where's your family?
Kate Grant: Oh, they're over in the Catholic cemetery. Catholics wouldn't be caught dead around all these damn Lutherans.
[Approaches another tombstone]
Kate Grant: Here's Delmer, Woody's cousin, he was a drunk. One time we were wrestling and he felt me up. Grabbed a handful of boob and Woody was right there and didn't have a clue, did ya Woody?
David Grant: Dad, why didn't you tell us that wasn't Ed's house?
Woody Grant: I didn't know what the hell you were doing.
Ross Grant: Have you ever seen us steal machinery before?
Woody Grant: I never know what you boys are up to.
Ross Grant: Why didn't you say it wasn't yours?
Woody Grant: I thought you wanted it.
Ross Grant: What would we want an old compressor for?
Woody Grant: That's what I couldn't figure out.
Kate Grant: That's Ed Pegram singing.
Ed Pegram: And his momma cried, cause if there's one thing that she don't need, it's another hungry mouth to feed... in the ghetto. people don't ya understand...
Kate Grant: He always did have a nice voice. It was the only nice thing about that bastard.
Woody Grant: It's all right.
Kate Grant: All right? Did you know... he was always trying to get into my bloomers?
David Grant: Jesus mom. Was the whole town trying to seduce you?
Kate Grant: [upon learning Woody has "won" a million dollars] I never knew the son of a bitch even wanted to be a millionaire! He should have thought about that years ago and worked for it!
David Grant: How did she die?
Kate Grant: Saw herself in the mirror one day.
Kate Grant: I ain't fiddlin' with no cow titties. I'm a city girl!
Aunt Betty: Now Kate, we only want what's fair and what's fair is if Woody lends us back some money.
Kate Grant: You can all go fuck yourselves!
David Grant: ...and all your brothers are coming over today, remember?
Woody Grant: Some of 'em are dead.
David Grant: The dead ones won't be here.
Woody Grant: Have a drink with your old man. Be somebody!
Kate Grant: Keith White. He wanted in my pants, too. But he was so boring.
[Kate lifts her dress and flashes a tombstone]
Kate Grant: See what you could have, Keith, if you hadn't talked about wheat all the time.
Aunt Flo: Martha, where's Bart and Cole?
Aunt Martha: Oh, they're off doing some volunteer work picking up trash off the streets.
Kate Grant: It's community service; for Bart's rape.
Aunt Martha: Sexual assault!
Kate Grant: What's the difference?
Aunt Martha: A huge difference... it's... well... the boys can explain it to you better than I can...
Kate Grant: Why do you want meatloaf if it isn't even on the dinner menu?
Woody Grant: 'cause I like it.
Waitress: What can I get you?
Woody Grant: Do you have any meatloaf?
Waitress: No, that's only part of our lunch specials.
Kate Grant: He'll have the chicken.
Waitress: Fried or grilled?
Woody Grant: ...fried.
Kate Grant: He'll have it grilled. I think I'd like the roast beef, but I'm not entirely sure. What do you recommend?
Waitress: Everything's all good ma'am, but I especially like the tilapia.
Kate Grant: Oh, then I'll have the roast beef.
David Grant: ...I'll have the tilapia.
Receptionist: [after telling Woody he hasn't won the money] I can give you a free gift. Would you like a hat or a seat cushion?
David Grant: Dad. Do you want a hat or a seat cushion?
Woody Grant: I'll take a hat.
Woody Grant: So long, Albert.
Uncle Albert: So long, Woody.
Bart: We could get you to Lincoln in an hour.
David Grant: Lincoln is over 200 miles.
Bart: Okay, hour-and-a-half.
Ross Grant: [in a physical altercation with his cousin] Hey, watch the face, okay? I'm on TV.
Bart: Hell, I drove up from Dallas one time. That's 850 miles, I done that in eight hours.
David Grant: That's, like, over 100 miles an hour.
Cole: Oh, Bart was movin'.
Woody Grant: Where's my teeth?
David Grant: You lost your teeth?
Aunt Martha: Ray's foot's been bothering him. Ain't that right, Ray?
Uncle Ray: It's okay. Just hurts.
David Grant: Hey Dad, you finally got your compressor back.
Woody Grant: That's not my compressor.
David Grant: Sure it is.
Woody Grant: Mine didn't look anything like that.
David Grant: It has to be yours. It's an old compressor we found in Ed Pegram's barn.
Woody Grant: That wasn't Ed's barn.
Woody Grant: I won a million dollars.
ER Doctor: Congratulations, that'll just about pay for a day in the hospital.
Sheriff: Hey, partner.
Sheriff: Hold on there, just a second.
Sheriff: Where are you headed, there?
Sheriff: Where are you headed up to?
Sheriff: How are you doing there, bud?
Sheriff: Huh? Are you okay?
Sheriff: Where are you headed?
Sheriff: You headed down the road, there, huh?
Sheriff: (grunts)
Sheriff: Huh?
Sheriff: Where are you coming from?
Woody Grant: Yeah?
[last lines]
Woody Grant: So long, Albert.
Uncle Albert: So long, Woody.
David Grant: So, what do you think, dad?
Woody Grant: It doesn't look finished to me.
David Grant: How do you mean?
Woody Grant: [upon seeing Mount Rushmore] Well, it looks like somebody got bored doing it. Washington's the only one with any clothes, and they're just kind of roughed in. Lincoln doesn't even have an ear.
David Grant: Well, why did you have kids, then?
Woody Grant: I like to screw, and your mother's a Catholic, so you figure it out.
David Grant: Oh. Okay. Dad, I found it. Here it is.
[Runs up holding partial]
David Grant: Oh. Wait. This isn't yours.
Woody Grant: [Goes back to looking]
David Grant: I was kidding. Here.
[Hands it over]
Woody Grant: [Examines it] These ain't mine.
David Grant: Of course they're yours.
Woody Grant: No.
David Grant: Whose else is it going to be? See if it fits.
Woody Grant: They're not my teeth.
David Grant: They have to be.
Woody Grant: I ought to know my own teeth.
David Grant: [Walks off]
Woody Grant: Of course they're my teeth. Don't be a moron.
Bart: So, you got any other cars?
David Grant: No. Just that one.
Bart: What's the engine?
David Grant: It's uh... four cylinder?
Bart: Yeah. But, what size?
David Grant: Oh, I don't really know.
Cole: What's your brother drive?
David Grant: Who, Ross?
Cole: Yeah, what does he drive?
David Grant: Ross has a Kia Rondo and Marcy has a Nissan Pathfinder. She carts the kids around a lot.
Bart: So, you all got Jap cars?
David Grant: Actually, Kia is Korean.
David Grant: How did you and mom end up getting married?
Woody Grant: She wanted to.
David Grant: And you didn't?
Woody Grant: I figured, what the hell.
David Grant: Were you ever sorry you married her?
Woody Grant: All the time.
David Grant: So, you told the Sheriff you were walking to Nebraska?
Woody Grant: That's right. To get my million dollars.
Woody Grant: This was my parents' room. I got whipped if they found me in here. I guess nobody's gonna whip me now.
Woody Grant: I haven't been drinking.
Kate Grant: That's what you said on our first date.
Woody Grant: I'm not trusting the mail with a million dollars.
Kate Grant: Don't encourage this nonsense.
Kate Grant: What do you wanna do now? Bust into a silo and steal some corn?
Kate Grant: [kisses Woody] You big idiot.
Peg Nagy: I knew I didn't have a chance anyway.
David Grant: Yeah?
Peg Nagy: I wouldn't let him round the bases.

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