High school student Nick O'Leary, member of the Queercore band The Jerk Offs, meets college-bound Norah Silverberg when she asks him to be her boyfriend for five minutes.

Nick: I just feel like she's messing with me.
Thom: Who are you talking about?
Nick: Right now, Norah. No, Tris. Tris.
Thom: You just haven't figured it out yet, have you.
Nick: What?
Thom: ...The big picture!
Nick: I guess not.
Thom: The Beatles.
Nick: What about them?
Thom: This.
[grabs Nick's hand]
Thom: Look, other bands, they want to make it about sex or pain, but you know, The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? "I Want to Hold Your Hand." The first single. It's effing brilliant, right?... That's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a twenty-four-hour hump sesh, they don't want to be married to you for a hundred years. They just want to hold your hand.
[Gay couple passes holding hands and smiles at them]
Nick: I'm gonna stop right now.
Nick: So what is your favorite song?
Norah: Well my favorite verse was "The way you're looking in your sleep, the way you're looking when you leap. The strange illusions that you keep. You don't know that I'm noticing."
Norah: It reminds me of this part of Judaism that I really like. It's called Tikun Olam. It says that the world's been broken into pieces and it's everybody's job to find them and put them back together again.
Nick: Well maybe we're the pieces. Maybe we are not supposed to find the pieces. Maybe we are the pieces.
Norah: Nick? I'm coming in...
[last lines]
Norah: Are you sad that we missed it?
Nick: We didn't miss it. This *is* it. C'mon. You wanna go home?
[they kiss]
Caroline: Um... hi. I'm Caroline. What's your name?... You know what, that's okay. You don't have to tell me. It's been like one of those nights, you know? I was with my friend Norah, who you don't know, but you'd really like her because everybody likes Norah and she... left me tonight which is - she never does that and then I was kidnapped. And then, she... usually when I go home with her she... she makes me a turkey sandwich when I get home, but I might never get home, you know? And I'm so tired.
[looks down and notices what is in his lap]
Caroline: Is that a turkey sandwich?
Nick: If anyone is getting raped in that van, it'll be a guy.
Norah: Unlock the door, bitch!
Norah: Hi.
Dev: Try this.
Norah: What?
Dev: Let's just say we're not the biggest fans of his dreaded ex? And we've decided you're to be his salvation. Besides, we saw you two making out, and we think you're the one. We just need to get you out of that sports bra.
Norah: This isn't a sports bra.
Dev: Come on. We're all ladies here.
Norah: [Finishes changing] Okay.
Dev: Ohh! It's better than the uni-boob.
Norah: This isn't going to work, okay. He's hung up on Tris.
Dev: You look gorgeous. And let me tell you something, Nicky is definitely worth the underwire. He just needs a little push, that's all.
[to Norah]
Dev: Have a good night, my hetero heroine.
Nick: You don't know what it's like to be straight, OK? It's... awful.
Thom: Would someone mind telling me where we're going?
Norah: You know how some people like to eat at the same places?
Nick: Yeah.
Norah: Well Caroline likes to barf in the same places.
Norah: This is amazing! You are literally like my musical soul mate.
Nick: Maybe I'll take this for a bit and you can just focus on driving.
Norah: What? You don't like my sweet grooves?
Nick: Well, you're two penises short of a Shania Twain reimagination band!
Nick: I never wash my pants. I like to keep the night on them.
Caroline: I found Jesus!
Norah: What?
Caroline: Jesus!
Caroline: He's much taller in person...
Norah: If you don't have a drummer, then why do you have drums you fistful of assholes?
Dev: [trying to come up with clever names for their band] Fistful of assholes! I like it.
Drunk Kid: Are you off duty?
Nick: This isn't a cab.
Drunk Kid: Are you off duty?
Nick: It's not a cab, my friend, I promise you.
Thom: Since when does a queen need an excuse to sing?
Norah: Let's dance, douche bag!
[hits Nick in the throat]
Nick: [leaving a message on his ex-girlfriend Tris' phone]
Nick: I think last time we spoke we both kind of said some really nasty things that neither of us meant, like... you broke up with me... on my b-day.
Nick: Also that mix CD... uh that I left on your doorstep was the last one that I'll be making for you.
[CD ejects from computer]
Nick: More or less...
Nick: What's your name, man?
Beefy Guy: Whatever you want it to be.
Nick: [talking to Dev] He's creepy.
Homeless Man: What's up, friend? How you doing?
Nick: Good. I was just gonna go in...
Homeless Man: You walked right in here.
Nick: I didn't mean to.
Homeless Man: You're like a little canary in skinny jeans.
Nick: I was gonna go in to look for my friend.
Homeless Man: You got friends right here. Me and Switzerland are here for you, baby. Let me ask you a question. You ever hook up with a dog?
Nick: No. What? Like an an... A dog, like a pet? No.
Homeless Man: Don't. It's not worth it. I like you so much.
[trying to hug Nick]
Nick: I'm running away. I'm running.
Homeless Man: Run away. Run away, little canary.
[watching Norah comfort a nearly passed-out Caroline]
Nick: You two must be great friends.
Norah: Yeah, *I* am a great friend. It's always been like this. I'm the squire in Caroline's quest for attention.
[from trailer]
Nick: You don't have to yell. It's not a train station. We're in a tiny car.
Norah: I will not be a goody bag at your pity party, Nick.
Caroline: [in tears] Is that a turkey sandwich?
Tris: How do you guys like know each other?
Norah: Oh, we go to the same... dentist... together... Dr. Man... Man o Manowitz.
Tris: [in the Yugo with Nick, and breaks off the head rest] See, look! Even your car misses me. It's falling apart without me.
Nick: You did that, actually.
Thom: And we finally found a drummer.
Nick: You found a drummer, who?
[Dev points to small electronic drum set]
Nick: That's a children's toy, who's gonna operate that thing?
Thom: You!
Nick: [while turning to go inside] Thanks for coming by guys.
Thom: Search Party, N.Y.C Search Party, N.Y.C Caroline, Where the hell can you be?
Dev: Caroline! Caroline!
Norah: Caroline! Caroline!
Dev: Caroline!
Nick: Guys, we need to be adults right now.
Nick: What are the benefits?
Norah: Yeah, that's crossed my mind. I don't know. I don't know, he's just always been there, and you just fell ignored for long enough and, it's just nice to feel special, sometimes.
Thom: Well we came to Gray's Papaya to get a bite to eat and she must have woke up because the chick has flown the coop.
Nick: Thom, that's not acceptable.
Drunk Guy in Yugo: I love you so much, it's retarded.
Nick: Why would you buy these pants?
Nick: We're close enough to the curb now. We're right on it.

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