Security guard Larry Daley infiltrates the Smithsonian Institution in order to rescue Jedediah and Octavius, who have been shipped to the museum by mistake.

Kah Mun Rah: [From trailer]
[Confronting Vader]
Kah Mun Rah: Is that you breathing? Because I can't hear myself think! There's too much going on here; you're asthmatic, you're a robot. And why the cape? Are we going to the opera? I don't think so.
Tuskegee Airman #2: [to Amelia] Ma'am, I'd just like to thank you...
Amelia Earhart: For what?
Tuskegee Airman #2: Well, a lot of people didn't think we could fly, either. Thanks for clearing the runway.
[salutes her]
Kah Mun Rah: Are there any questions?
Al Capone: Yeah, I got one. How come you're wearin' a dress?
Kah Mun Rah: This is not a dress. This is a tunic. It was the height of fashion 3,000 years ago, I assure you. Are there any other questions?
Ivan The Terrible: Da. This-a dress you're wearing, do we have to wear one of these, too?
Kah Mun Rah: Were you not listening? I just told Mr. Capone here that this not a dress. It is, in fact, a tunic. Very big difference. Are there any other questions.
[Napoleon raises his hand]
Kah Mun Rah: [getting annoyed] Are there any questions not about the dress?
[catching himself]
Kah Mun Rah: Tunic?
[Napoleon lowers his hand]
Kah Mun Rah: I am Kah Mun Rah, the great king of the great kings, and from the darkest depths of ancient history. I have come BACK to life!
Larry Daley: [Awkwardly] Uh-huh.
Kah Mun Rah: Perhaps you did not hear what I just said. I am a centuries-old Egyptian Pharaoh. I was dead, but now I have come BACK to life!
Larry Daley: Yeah, no. I heard that. I got that. Welcome back.
Kah Mun Rah: [baffled and stammering] Who are you?
Larry Daley: I'm Larry. Larry Daley. I own Daley Devices. It's up in New York. It's funny, I actualy know your brother, Ahkmenrah.
Kah Mun Rah: Oh, he knows baby brother. The favorite son.
Larry Daley: Yeah, good kid.
Kah Mun Rah: Oh, isn't he just. You know, mother and father always gave him the best of everything, and I do mean everything. They even gave him the throne. The throne which was rightfuly MINE!
Larry Daley: Oh, he never mentioned that...
Kah Mun Rah: No, I bet he didn't. Well, now begins the era of Kahmunrah, beacause I have come BACK to... Never mind, just hand me the Tablet.
Abraham Lincoln: Remember son, a house divided against itself cannot stand.
Amelia Earhart: You've got moxie, kid!
Larry Daley: Great, well, I'll give you the combination after you give him back!
[reaches for the tablet]
Kah Mun Rah: How dare you! If you touch that again I shall kill you right now. Do not touch this.
[makes a line in front of the hourglass with his hand]
Kah Mun Rah: This is a 'No-Touching' zone!
Larry Daley: Good, well, then...
[reaches for it]
Kah Mun Rah: Oh my GOD! I can't believe you reached across like that again! I can't even believe it! Oh, God! I want to kill you right now! If you didn't know this combination, you would be so dead right now, it would be unbelievable!
Larry Daley: Great, well, I do know the combination...
Kah Mun Rah: [making a line with his arm] DON't CROSS THIS LINE with your hand!
[Larry starts to say something]
Kah Mun Rah: How dare you! If you speak again, if you SPEAK AGAIN, I'm going to kill you! Do you understand this? Don't say it! Oh, God I see you getting ready! Oh, my GOD! Don't say anything! Now, give me that Tablet and tell me the combination.
Larry Daley: Alright, after you give me Jed and release my friends.
[reaches for the hourglass]
Kah Mun Rah: [he freaks out] You did all three! You spoke and you reached your hand across!
Larry Daley: Look, I can talk to you about this all night!
Kah Mun Rah: How about this? How about I DON'T kill you, like I really, really want to, and I give you precisely five seconds to hand over that Tablet and tell me the combination?
Al Capone: [coming in carrying Einstein] We already got the combination! It's pi. 3.14159265! This little guy sang. Oh did he sing? Like a canary!
Tuskegee Airman #1: [In announcing voice] The Tuskegee Airmen are headed down the runway!
Tuskegee Airman #2: Would you stop narrating everything we do? Just live in the moment!
Tuskegee Airman #1: [In announcing voice] The Tuskegee Airmen are living in the moment!
General George Armstrong Custer: We're Americans, we don't plan, we do!
[from trailer]
General George Armstrong Custer: Any questions
[Sacajawea raises her hand]
General George Armstrong Custer: [Mumbles her name]
Sacajawea: That is not my name.
General George Armstrong Custer: Sacajamea?
Sacajawea: No.
General George Armstrong Custer: Sac, Sack-in-a-box?
Sacajawea: No.
General George Armstrong Custer: Cinco De Mayo. Mission Accomplished
Jedediah: [When Octavius is trying to get Jedediah out of the hourglass] I wanna get to the story of our relationship, the evolution from enemy to friends.
Octavius: No!
Jedediah: It'll make you cry.
Octavius: No! Because you are going to live!
[uses his helmet to smash the hourglass]
Teddy Roosevelt: Some are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them.
Easter Island Head: Did any of you Dum-Dums bring me Gum Gum?
Larry Daley: [while the cherubs are singing "My Heart Will Go On"] Oh, Love Theme from Titanic, good but not really appropriate...
Albert Einstein: [to Dexter and Able who are attacking Al Capone] You smack, you kick, you smack, you kick, you smack, you kick. Team work, fellas, wunderbar!
Octavius: What's a flapjack?
Jedediah: It's like a biscuit... or a scone.
The Thinker: I'm thinkin'...
Larry Daley: This is hopeless.
Amelia Earhart: Do you know why I became a pilot?
Larry Daley: I have no idea.
Amelia Earhart: For the fun of it. Why else would anyone do anything?
General George Armstrong Custer: The battle of the Smithsonian. The greatest battle the world will never know.
Larry Daley: We'll know.
Kah Mun Rah: You don't seem to be evil, you seem to be more of a grouch.
Kah Mun Rah: [to Jedediah in the birdcage] Why, they're no bigger than a tiny grain of couscous. Aren't you?
Jedediah: You know, two words come to mind when I hear you talk. "Delusional" and "weirdo". And if I had to say a third, "goofy." Just goofy.
General George Armstrong Custer: I'm a failure.
Larry Daley: No, you're not.
General George Armstrong Custer: Did you lead 208 Americans to their deaths in the Battle of Little Bighorn?
Larry Daley: No.
General George Armstrong Custer: No not good, not good at all.
Larry Daley: that's not good.
General George Armstrong Custer: Sure, i talk in a good game. But the truth of matter is i don't deserve these stars. I will always be famous for my biggest failure.
Amelia Earhart: It's a matter of life and death!
The Thinker: I'll tell you what's a matter of life and death, that beautiful lady over there.
[statue of Aphrodite giggles]
The Thinker: Hey baby, check out the gun show goin' on over here.
[Does a few muscular poses]
The Thinker: BOOM, BOOM! Firepower!
Kah Mun Rah: What are you?
Larry Daley: [pause] I'm the Night Guard.
Jedediah: Well, lookee here. If it ain't Mr. Big-in-the-Britches himself, come back in time to see us off?
Larry Daley: Yeah, Jed, I heard. Look, I don't even know how this happened.
[Larry's answers his cellphone]
Jedediah: Yeah. Yeah, real mystery how this happened. Maybe the answer's on that magic buzzin' box there in your hand! You weren't here, Gigantor! That's how it happened! Ain't no mystery!
Octavius: The fact is, Larry, there's no one else here to speak on our behalf during business hours.
Easter Island Head: None, none, dum, dum.
[last lines]
Larry Daley: You know, a good place to check out is the miniatures.
Woman: Can you take me there? I always get lost.
Larry Daley: Yeah, no, sure. Yeah, come on...
Jedediah: [referring to Kahmunrah] He is not a friendly; I repeat, *not* a friendly!
Abraham Lincoln: If I may, you two make an adorable couple.
Larry Daley: Oh, we're not a... I mean, we're not...
Abraham Lincoln: [copying Larry] 'We're not a... I mean we're not a... ' blah, blah, blah, I never lie!
Kah Mun Rah: Whoever you are, Archie Bunker, you have a very comfortable throne.
Amelia Earhart: [Sees Kah Mun Rah's men approaching] Crimey, we're jimmy-jacked!
Larry Daley: Jimmy-jacked?
Amelia Earhart: It's the way I speak!
Larry Daley: Yeah, but that sounds made-up, even for you...
Amelia Earhart: [flatly] 'Oh no, our path has been blocked by bad people' what's the fun in that? The point is, we're not getting into 'Air and Space' right now.
Larry Daley: Yeah, you're right. We are...
Both: Jimmy-jacked...
Larry Daley: You know how you were telling me that the key to happiness was something but then the sun came up? I think I figured it out. It's doing what you love.
Teddy Roosevelt: I was going to say diet and exercise, but the love thing's good too.
Kah Mun Rah: [referring to Jedediah] Oh, you're just so adorable, even when you're threatening me. I can't take you seriously. I mean, is it just me?
Kah Mun Rah: I'm afraid that Mother and Father may have slightly changed the combination on me.
Amelia Earhart: I just feel as if I've been asleep for along time and now suddenly I'm awake.
Larry Daley: I can explain that.
Larry Daley: Sorry, I don't mean to stare. You just look very familiar.
Woman: I get that a lot.
Amelia Earhart: I take it you have a plan?
Larry Daley: I'm gonna divide the house.
Larry Daley: Sorry. Last time I checked, I thought we lived in a free country, so...
Brandon: No, we don't.
Larry Daley: No?
Brandon: It's the United States of "Don't Touch That Thing Right in Front of You."
Amelia Earhart: You haven't been able to take your cheaters off my chassis since we met.
Larry Daley: I literally didn't understand a word you just said.
Amelia Earhart: Well, Larry Daley, in case you weren't listening, I'm not one to shy away from danger.
[Four spears thrown by Kahmunrah's men go flying past her]
Larry Daley: How about spears? Are you one to shy away from spears?
Larry Daley: I am an inventor, I invent things.
Amelia Earhart: Oh, like the rocket ship?
Larry Daley: No.
Amelia Earhart: The sea plane?
Larry Daley: No.
Amelia Earhart: The dirigible?
Larry Daley: No.
Jedediah: [to Larry] That fancy suit you've been paradin' around in these last couple years, that there's a hangin' suit. All gussied up and dead inside, that ain't you. And I'll tell you another thing; this night ain't over yet. This midnight cowboy's got some fight left in him, and somethin' tells me you do too. Ho, now!
[puts his fist to the glass]
Ahkmenrah: [gesturing to his Tablet] My parents gave me this tablet some 3,000 years ago. Entrusting me with one of my people's most prized possesions.
Girl 1: Does it do anything?
Ahkmenrah: 'Do anything'?
Girl 2: Yeah, what's the point if it doesn't do anything?
Ahkmenrah: [looks at Dexter who chatters, "'Tell em'"] Actualy, it has a magical power to bring all of the exhibits to life!
Girl 2: No, really, what's it do?
Ahkmenrah: [stares at them] Nothing, it's just for decoration...
Girl 1: [wispering] I knew it.
Girl 2: Mmm-hmm.
Nick Daley: So you're working tonight?
Larry Daley: Used to work every night, remember?
Nick Daley: Yeah, that was back when you had, like, the coolest job in the world.
Larry Daley: Well, cool doesn't pay for your Guitar God 6 or whatever.
Jedediah: I didn't call you because we were in trouble... okay, we were in a pickle. But it wouldn't be the first time I had to fast talk my way out of a jam! I called you because you needed us.
[from trailer]
Larry Daley: This is the Smithsonian! This is the big leagues!
Kah Mun Rah: I am Kah Mun Rah, half god, once removed on my mother's side.
Jedediah: You're crazier than a road lizard.
Teddy Roosevelt: I am Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president of these United States.
[from trailer]
Amelia Earhart: [in awe] Great Gatsby!
Tuskegee Airman #1: The Tuskegee Air Men are enjoying their freedom.
Larry Daley: What, did they run out of U's on your name plate?
Brandon: I dunno, did they run out of jokes at the Interesting Joke Store that you shop at?
Sailor Joey Motorola: [sees Kahmunrah's men] What am I lookin' at here, Mardi Gras? Where unit are you from?
Larry Daley: Uh, I'm from Brooklyn.
Sailor Joey Motorola: Brooklyn? Are you serious? I'm from Flatbush! Hey fellas, these so-and-sos are tryin' to rough up my pal here just because he's from Brooklyn!
Octavius: [to Larry] I see that you're genuinely slightly bothered.
Napoleon: [asking about Larry and Amielia] Were you guys like friends in college and now just afraid to ruin your relationship with each other by telling the other person that you want to be more then friends, that you like-like each other?
Larry Daley: [confused] One more time... I'm sorry...
Napoleon: Were you guys like friends in college and now just afraid to ruin your relationship with each other by telling the other person that you want to be more then friends, that you like-like each other?
Larry Daley: Oh, no...
Napoleon: Oh, just friends?
Larry Daley: What are you staring at?
Amelia Earhart: I don't want to miss a moment.
Kah Mun Rah: [to the birdmen, ordering attack against Lincoln] Makhta! Makhta!
Birdmen: [looking at Kah Mun Rah in confusion]
Kah Mun Rah: [imitating bird sounds] Arrh! Arrh!
Kah Mun Rah: [as the portal to the Underworld is being opened by the tablet] Ah... you know what that sound is?
[Ivan The Terrible is about to speak]
Kah Mun Rah: It's rhetorical. That is the sound of the end.
Brandon: I stand there and I wait all day for a little girl like you to come in and put her precious nail polished nails all over the exhibit.
Al Capone: [Instead of chasing Larry, he takes his shot-gun and plays "taking him down gangster style" by making bizarre shooting noises]
Ivan The Terrible: [after a blank look at Capone] Alvin, you're a moron! Your stupidity is making the hairs on the back of my thigh stand up like a Russian ballerina!
General George Armstrong Custer: My hair is considered currency in certain parts of Europe.
Octavius: [Approaches Kah Mun Rah, riding on a squirrel and looks up as Kah Mun Rah looks down, puzzled] Do you wish to surrender honorably, or must this end with the spilling of your blood?
Kah Mun Rah: [Looks to Larry] This? This is your big rescue?
Octavius: Oh no... this is!
[Abraham Lincoln breaks in through the wall, Kah Mun Rah and the others look up in shock]
Kah Mun Rah: What... is that thing?
Abraham Lincoln: The name is Abraham Lincoln, and you sir, are in a heap of trouble!
Brundon the Security Guard: Put your hands in your pockets, bring your attitude way down, and also be nice to people.
Kah Mun Rah: You certainly know how to make an entrance, Mr. Daley. Hope for your little friend's sake here,
[he shakes the hourglass]
Kah Mun Rah: that you also figured out the combination.
Larry Daley: [reaching for the hourglass] Give me Jed!
Kah Mun Rah: Oh no, no, no, first give me the combination and hand over that Tablet.
[reaches for the Tablet]
Larry Daley: I'll give you the Tablet and the combination when you release my friends and give him back to me.
Kah Mun Rah: I shall release what I want to release at the moment I want to release it.
Larry Daley: Great, and I'll release what I want to release at the exact moment that I want to release it, okay?
Kah Mun Rah: Tell me the combination and give me the tablet right now or i shall KILL all of your friends starting with this little shaggy-headed little cowman here!
Jedediah: I ain't shaggy-headed! Gigantor, let me take this guy!
Larry Daley: Don't worry, I got this handled.
[to Kahmunrah]
Larry Daley: You don't want to give me my friends, then you're not gonna get your combination or your Tablet.
Kah Mun Rah: Alright, I'll tell you what, alright. They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy for nothing, alright?
[starts to hand him the hourglass]
Kah Mun Rah: Here you go...
[jerks it back]
Kah Mun Rah: They DIDN'T call me Kahmunrah the trustworthy! They called me Kahmunrah the BLOODTHIRSTY, who kills whoever doesn't give Kahmunrah exactly what he wants in the moment that he wants it, which is RIGHT NOW, when I had also better get the combination and the Tablet!
Larry Daley: That's what they called you?
Kah Mun Rah: It was shorter in Egyptian.
Larry Daley: [wanting to make a call] Wow, four bars in 1945!
Brandon: It's Brundon.
Nicky: The biggest museum in the world is coming alive tonight.
Larry Daley: [tries to steady his bobblehead]
Albert Einstein: Don't touch the hair!

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