A newly recruited night security guard at the Museum of Natural History discovers that an ancient curse causes the animals and exhibits on display to come to life and wreak havoc.

Easter Island Head: Hey! Dum-dum!
Larry: Yes?
Easter Island Head: You give me gum-gum!
Larry: I give you gum-gum?
Easter Island Head: You new Dum-dum. You give me gum-gum.
Larry: Gee, okay, you know what? I have no gum-gum. Sorry. And my name isn't Dum-dum. My name's Larry.
Easter Island Head: No, your name Dum-dum.
[People screaming]
Easter Island Head: Oh, you in trouble, Dum-dum. You better run-run. From Attila the Hun-hun.
[Larry runs as Attila and his gang are chasing him]
Easter Island Head: See you later, Dum-dum!
Jedediah: No problemo, Gigantor.
Larry: Um, my name's Larry, first of all okay, Jed? See, I call you Jed, I don't call you tiny, right?
Jedediah: What's that supposed to mean?
Larry: Hey teeny, how does that sound?
Jedediah: I... I don't like it. It hurts my feelings.
Larry: Okay, well Gigantor makes me feel like some sort of freak.
Octavius: I don't. I just call you Larry.
Larry: Don't be a kiss-ass.
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm made of wax, Larry. What are you made of?
Larry: [looks up at Dexter] Hey, Dex, so, look. No hard feelings, all right?
Teddy Roosevelt: [Dexter slaps Larry in the forehead and Larry raises his clipboard to hit him] Lawrence!
Larry: You saw - you saw what he did just then...
Teddy Roosevelt: [interupting him] Who's evolved?
Larry: I am.
Teddy Roosevelt: Who's evolved?
Larry: I am!
Gus: Instructions; you start with 1... 2... 3...
Larry: 4?
Gus: Are you crackin' wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, Hopscotch.
Gus: He looks like a weirdy!
Gus: Sweet dreams, cupcake.
Gus: Listen up, Lunch Box!
Gus: Do you want to dance, hot dog?
Larry: [to the monkey, Dexter] Oh, hey, Dexter. I'm just locking up. Do you want in?
[Dexter walks in and climbs up to his tree]
Larry: [Dexter smiles from the tree, holding a set of baby toy keys] I don't think so. Looks like Uncle Larry pulled a fast one on little Dexy.
[locks up the entrance to the Hall of African Mammals]
Larry: Those are baby keys for a little baby. So have fun playing with your little baby keys, little baby monkey. Maybe tomorrow, I'll bring you a little baby "diapie" so you can go poo-poo in it. Then, I'll change it for you. Then I'll tickle you 'cause you're a cute little baby. Will you cry all night about how Uncle Larry fooled you? Told you there was a storm comin'.
Easter Island Head: [shouts] Quiiiiieeeeeeettttt!
Easter Island Head: My dum-dum want to speak.
Gus: Keep a lid on it, butterscotch.
Gus: Do you want the job or not, snack shack?
Larry: All right! Let's do this, people! And... animals! And... weird faceless puppet creatures!
Larry: I'm trusting you guys, alright? And if you don't do what I say, you'll end up like your little buddies in the Mayan world over there, locked up. Take a look. Do they look happy?
[Shows a display with bars across it]
Jedediah: [Shakes head] No. They look sad.
Jedediah: Fire up the iron horse, boys.
Larry: Hey, blondie!
Jedediah: Name's Jedadiah.
Larry: Alright, Jedadiah, stop the train, please!
Jedediah: Big no can do, crackerjack.
Larry: What's going on here, huh?
Jedediah: Somebody's got to pay.
Larry: Pay for what?
Jedediah: I don't know, just pay! Now stop whining and just take it like a man!
Larry: Seriously, stop the train!
Jedediah: Alright, stop the train.
Larry: Thank you.
Jedediah: [shouts] Now full speed ahead and ram 'im! Split his head like a watermelon!
Larry: [Train hits Larry in the face] Ooh! Ow...
Jedediah: Oh, for crying out loud!
Larry: Moose! Not gonna happen, buddy. Alright? I told you three times. You can't come through this door with those antlers. So you and your caribou buddy gotta go around to the loading dock.
Gus: Sleep tight, hotshot.
Larry: End of the line, cool breeze. End of the line.
Rebecca: [to Sacagawea] You rock! I am a big fan.
Larry: [speaking to Civil War diorama figures] Civil war dudes... You guys are brothers, for God's sake... You gotta stop fighting... North wins... Slavery is bad... Sorry... Don't want to burst your bubble but South, you guys get Allman Brothers...
Larry: ...and... Nascar. So just chill!
Larry: Listen, Octavus, you gotta stop that!
Octavius: It's "Octavius", Mary.
Teddy Roosevelt: Anything's posible Lawrence. If it can be dreamed, it can be done. Hence the twenty-foot jackal staring right at you.
[Larry starts to look]
Teddy Roosevelt: Don't make eye contact!
Teddy Roosevelt: Some men are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them.
Teddy Roosevelt: [after being cut in half by a stagecoach] Oh. That's problematic.
Larry: You're an old man, I don't want to fight you.
[Gus punches Larry in the face]
Larry: [on his second night at the museum] Morning, dum-dum.
Easter Island Head: Me no dum-dum. You dum-dum. You bring me gum-gum?
Larry: Yes I did, fathead.
[holds up a handful of gum]
Larry: Lots and lots of gum-gum.
Easter Island Head: Mmm!
Jedediah: [discussing why he needs to blow up his display] It's Manifest Destiny!
[Jed and Octavius are popping Cecil's tires, and they are about to be blown away]
Octavius: Save yourself!
Jedediah: [holding on to Octavius] I ain't quittin' you!
Mr. McPhee: [fake laughing] Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. No is the answer. Sarcasm back at you, with your humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?
Larry: No, I don't want to get into a battle of humor.
Mr. McPhee: No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Big Horn!
Cecil: Don't let anything in or out.
Don: It sure is chilly. Chilly-chilly-willy... the penguin.
Sacajawea: [Trying to track Cecil and examining the tire tracks in the snow] He went east, but he lost control and crashed.
Larry: You're amazing! How can you tell that?
Sacajawea: [Points behind them where the van has crashed into the wall behind the dumpster]
Jedediah: I told you, I don't like to be manhandled!
Larry: No, I will manhandle you, Jedediah! Now listen, guys, what is your problem, huh? Why can't you just get along?
Jedediah: Look, we're men. We fight, okay? That's what we do!
Octavius: It's kinda how we pass the time.
Rebecca: And up ahead is one of my favorite creatures in the whole museum: the capuchin monkey, a highly intelligent primate, known for its loving and generous nature.
Larry: Huh!
Rebecca: Excuse me?
Cecil: [while Larry is chasing Cecil] These are money carriers. Larry. They were trained not to stop for anything but a secret word.
Larry: Really? You mean a word like...
Larry: [shouts] Dakota!
Teddy Roosevelt: [after seeing Larry slapping Dexter] Good Lord, Lawrence! Why are you slapping a monkey?
Reginald: [while trying to escape, Reginald is found by Christopher Columbus and the Neanderthals]
Reginald: Alright, boys. We can do this the easy way,
Reginald: [holds his cane in a threatening manner]
Reginald: or the hard way.
Christopher Columbus: [Columbus brandishes his sword and the Neanderthals raise their giant bones]
Reginald: [scared] I guess it's gonna be the hard way.
Christopher Columbus: [In Italian] E' tutto finito.
Jedadiah: I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye.
[gun clicks empty]
Larry: Yeah. Keep shootin'. Nothing's gonna happen.
Jedadiah: Now you know my shame. Jedediah's impotent rage. His guns don't fire. Take me away.
Larry: This is not worth $11.50 an hour!
Mr. McPhee: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
Rebecca: So! What can I tell you about the museum?
Larry: Ok, Attila the Hun: What is that guy's problem?
[about Sacajawea]
Larry: Was she deaf? She seems a bit unresponsive.
Rebecca: That's because she's a statue...
Larry: [about Teddy Roosevelt] He was our fourth president, right?
Rebecca: Twenty-sixth.
Jedediah: Wait, no. I ain't working with Toga Boy.
Octavius: Romans work alone.
[Jedediah hits him on his foot with his rifle]
Octavius: Ow!
Jedediah: That didn't hurt, don't be a baby.
Octavius: [while hopping on one foot] Yes it did!
Jedediah: No it didn't! Come on!
Octavius: [hits Jedediah's behind with his sword]
Jedediah: Ow! That was much harder!
Larry: Debbie - can I call you Debbie? 'Cause, um, I felt a connection when I entered this office, and I don't know if you did too.
Debbie: I didn't feel a connection.
Larry: A little birdie told me somebody likes... magic.
Attila the Hun: Magic?
Mr. McPhee: Control your young!
Teddy Roosevelt: Larry, relax! I'm wax!
Larry: I'm not a giant, guys, alright? You guys are really little.
Octavius: We may be small but our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.
Jedediah: Whoa, Octavius, hold on! This ain't your fight. This here giant's on our land.
Erica Daley: Hey, how's it going with that virtual reality driving range you wanted to open?
Larry: Getting there. Still waiting for the technology to catch up with the idea. I mean it's not easy, there are a lot of moving parts.
Larry: [showing lighter to cavemen] Hey guys. Quest for fire, over.
Octavius: We expand or die!
Jedediah: Just living the Dream, Baby!
Cecil: Gotta keep it moving, Larry. I'm pretty spry for an old man.
Teddy Roosevelt: Stop babbling, boy!
[last lines]
Jedediah: Let's ride.
Taxi Driver: Now who they gon' get to clean up all that doo-doo?
[repeated line]
Cecil: Moving on.
Larry: [Dinosaur throws Larry a bone] Fetch?
[first lines]
Taxi Driver: [as Larry walks into the street] Hey, watch it!
Teddy Roosevelt: Bully!

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