Bi-polar mall security guard Ronnie Barnhardt is called into action to stop a flasher from turning shopper's paradise into his personal peep show. But when Barnhardt can't bring the culprit to justice, a surly police detective, is recruited to close the case.

Ronnie Barnhardt: I have a dream most nights. It starts on a playground. There's kids swinging, laughing, dogs barking, butterflies just flapping their little wings. And then you hear a rumbling, and over the horizon comes a black cloud and it's made of cancer and pus. And it starts sweeping over the playground and everyone starts screaming and clawing their eyes and pulling at their hair, and saying "Help! What do we do?" And you know what happens next? Out steps me wielding the biggest fucking shotgun you've ever seen in your whole life. And you know what I do? I blow every fucking thing away. And I am getting God's work done. When it's all over and the dust has settled, the whole world gathers below me and they say, "Thank you, Ronnie, thank you for helping, being a great man and doing this for us." And you know what I say? "You don't need to thank me. I'm just a guy with a gun. I'm just a cop."
Saddamn: Why the fuck would I want to blow up the Chick-fil-A? It's fucking delicious!
Saddamn: Fuck you, Ronnie.
Ronnie Barnhardt: Fuck you.
Saddamn: Fuck you.
Ronnie Barnhardt: Fuck you.
Saddamn: Fuck you.
Ronnie Barnhardt: Fuck you.
Saddamn: Fuck you!
Ronnie Barnhardt: Fuck *you*!
Saddamn: Fuck you, Ronnie!
Ronnie Barnhardt: Fuck you.
Saddamn: Fuck you, Ronnie!
Ronnie Barnhardt: Fuck you, Saddam Hussein of Iraq.
Saddamn: [softly] Fuck you.
Ronnie Barnhardt: [softly] Fuck you.
Saddamn: [softly] Fuuuck you.
Ronnie Barnhardt: [whispering] Fuck you.
Saddamn: [whispering] Fuck you.
Ronnie Barnhardt: [whispering] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck *you*.
Saddamn: [quieter] Fuck you.
Ronnie Barnhardt: [quieter] Fuck you.
Saddamn: [quieter] Fuck you.
Ronnie Barnhardt: [mouthing] Fuck you.
Saddamn: [mouthing] Fuuuuck yooou.
Brandi: [Wakes up to find Ronnie not having sex with her] Why did you stop, motherfucker?
Dennis: Whatsup mo Freckle? How's your dick hanging? Low I hope. I just wanted to write you and say that, you know I really am sorry for the way shit like went down and stuff, my bad, my blunder. I just wanted you to know that you really are my best man, problem is I'm a criminal man who doesn't care and your crime is... you care too much. Regardless of our differences, I hope you know that I always respected you, it's not every day you that you meet someone who stands for something in this world, anyway, no hard feelings okay, but if you ever want to party, get your ass to mexico, the beers are cool and the girls are wet. Sincerely, your right hand man, Dennis.
Female Reporter: I'm standing here at Forest Ridge Mall where earlier today a man exposed himself to several women before fleeing the scene. I'm here with Ronnie Barnhardt, one of the security guards here at the mall, who can hopefully...
Ronnie Barnhardt: Cut! Uh, you fucked up ma'am. I'm, I'm the head of mall security. You should do that again and say it right.
Female Reporter: Ah, well, Officer Bardhardt...
Ronnie Barnhardt: Action.
Female Reporter: Right. Uh, is there any information you can shed on this situation?
Ronnie Barnhardt: You're just going to keep going when you fucked up my title? Ok, uh, well I'm standing here with this doctor...
Nell: Is there really a pervert here?
Ronnie Barnhardt: Yes. Yes, ma'am, there is.
Nell: That's scary.
Ronnie Barnhardt: Not for me so much, you know, it's actually kind of my job, to put myself in harm's way, to protect weaker people such as yourself who are crippled in the leg and whatnot.
Nell: Oh, my cast is coming off in like a month.
Ronnie Barnhardt: I do it, so other people can sleep well at night, meanwhile, I'm up all night fighting demons, just screaming bloody murder, waking up with nosebleeds, night terrors, finding myself a mile from home with bloody feet and a gun in my hand I have no idea how I got there, but pound for pound, I'd say there's not one human being in this mall that deserves this coffee as much as myself.
Nell: Wow.
Charles: [Charlie is asked to join the Special Elite Task Force] Wait a minute, are we getting paid extra for this? Because it seems like...
Ronnie Barnhardt: Let me ask you something - how much did they get paid to storm Normandy, how much did King Arthur get paid to kill Merlin, how much did they get paid to invent Television? Nothing. They did it because they knew it was right.
Mom: When Ronnie was in high school, I used to fuck all of his friends.
Detective Harrison: You wanna get hurt?
Ronnie Barnhardt: You didn't bring enough pigs to hurt me.
Ronnie Barnhardt: Are you all right?
Brandi: Physically yes, but psychologically? No!
Mom: I just want you to know, I'm ready to make a change.
Ronnie Barnhardt: You gonna stop drinking?
Mom: I'm switching to beer.
Ronnie Barnhardt: Yuens, you guys are my infantry. One of you dies, God gave me another one.
Matt Yuen: Okay.
John Yuen: Awesome.
Toast A Bun Manager: Oh, look at that, two "I'm sorries". I thought those might clean the counter but they don't, because I guess I'm fuckin' dumb.
Saddamn: You wanna cover them little breasts with some bubbles?
[from trailer]
Saddamn: My dick is brown, you dumb motherfucker!
Dennis: I ain't going to lie to you Ronnie, there is nothing good about this at all.
Mom: I know it's hard, but try to look on the bright side. You may not be the smartest person in the world, but you're... handsome from certain angles and you're... More importantly, you've got dreams inside of you and dreams make you special. And no matter what the world, um, throws at you, uh, they - it can never take your dreams away.
Ronnie Barnhardt: What are you talking about, Mom?
Mom: I don't know, I'm drunk.
Dennis: My bad, my blunder.
Brandi: [sees Ronnie taking his psych meds] I didn't know you partied like that.
Ronnie Barnhardt: Yeah, I party like that every 4 to 6 hours.
Dennis: Y'all hurt Ronnie, and nobody hurt's Ronnie.
Brandi: It's like my mom always said: you can polish a turd, but it's still a piece of shit.
[from trailer]
Ronnie Barnhardt: The world has no use for another scared man. Right now, the world needs a fucking hero.

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