When a shopping mall is taken over by a gang of organized crooks, it's up to a mild-mannered security guard to save the day.

[from trailer]
Paul Blart: [talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing...
Paul Blart: [Headbutts criminal] No one wins with a headbutt.
Pahud: Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what's up, man?
Maya Blart: [reading a dating website] Okay, next question. "Tell me about yourself."
Paul Blart: Let's see. I know a lot about sharks.
Mom: Let me stop you right there.
[sees Leon hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts]
Veck Sims: I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see how much candy fell out.
Paul Blart: This lemonade is insane!
Vijay: That's because it's a Margarita, Paul.
Sergeant Howard: [Chief Brooks has just given Sgt Howard a book of insult comebacks] You and what army?
Chief Brooks: What's wrong with that?
Sergeant Howard: He
[Commander Kent]
Sergeant Howard: *has* an army.
Sergeant Howard: Looks like Paul Blart turned into quite the badass.
Commander Kent: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a badass.
Paul Blart: [after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] Yeah... I don't drink.
Commander Kent: [talking on radio to Paul] Remember me? I set you on fire at the pancake festival.
Veck Sims: When are you gonna give up, Blart?
Paul Blart: How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "NE" and "VER"!
Paul Blart: Scuba-dooby-doo!
[sends a scuba tank into a villain knocking him out]
[from trailer]
Paul Blart: Nobody knows this mall better than I do.
Paul Blart: If you remember one thing from today, it's this: the mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster.
[First Line]
Drill Instructor: Alright you have all completed the written exam, however, you must now pass the obsticle coarse to be admitted into the training program. And remember: Survive this and you are on front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
[from trailer]
Paul Blart: Safety never takes a holiday.
[Last Line]
Paul Blart: Thank you sir, but I think I'm going to stick with what I do best. That's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Veck Sims: It's like my mother always said, if you want something done right, waste them yourself. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

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