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A Las Vegas casino magnate, determined to find a new avenue for wagering, sets up a race for money.
Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop? Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back. Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in. Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before. Lucy: [man's voice] Not necessarily.
[Donald Sinclair welcomes all the people who are invited to compete in the "race."] Donald Sinclair: Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet. [Everyone looks shocked for about 5 seconds, before Sinclair begins laughing hysterically] Donald Sinclair: I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.
Enrico Pollini: Look at us go! We're zooming! Zack Mallozzi: I told you! We're hauling ass! Enrico Pollini: We're hauling ass! All righty! Zack Mallozzi: Guess what I got back there. Enrico Pollini: You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass!
Kimberly Pear: [Kimberly needs to go to the bathroom] Dad, I'm prairie dogging it! Randy Pear: What the hell does that mean? Jason Pear: You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground. Randy Pear: Oh. [Five seconds later] Bev Pear: Ugh! Randy Pear: Ohh, god, I do not wanna picture that!
Bev Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom! Randy Pear: All right, all right, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar. Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars. Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.
[Tracy gives Nick a can of paint while she's throwing debris on her cheating boyfriend's car] Tracy Faucet: C'mon, open it! Nick Schaffer: You know, Tracy, I really don't feel comfortable... Tracy Faucet: [yelling] OPEN IT! Nick Schaffer: [nervously] Okay.
Vicki: So, what can I do for you, Harry? Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First... we both get naked. Vicki: So far so good. Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks. Vicki: What's that? Harold Grisham: Naked... jacuzzi... Pepto-Bismol... toenails... shave my buttocks. Vicki: Well, you have quite an imagination, Harry.
Enrico Pollini: I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name. Owen Templeton: No I wasn't. Enrico Pollini: No pun intended. Owen Templeton: What pun was that?
Mechanic: Darlin, we don't have any sand. Tracy Faucet: Hello! WE'RE IN THE DESERT!
Mechanic: [after making some repairs on Tracey's truck] There, it's done, but I still do't think she's gonna hold. Nick Schaffer: About how much we owe you? Mechanic: [shrugs] 500 bucks. Tracy Faucet: What, for sand and 2 quarts and sealant? No, that's 20 bucks, tops. Here's 40, double that [hands the mechanic 40 dollars and turns to leave] Mechanic: [pulls a gun from, his belt] Hold it! Another little tool no mechanic should be without! Nick Schaffer: Fine, here's your money [gives him the money] Nick Schaffer: . But you know what, Baraby Jones? What goes around comes around. Tracy Faucet: This is so... un-Christian! Mechanic: Un-Christian, HA! Well if the good Lord doesn't like the way I conduct business, let 'im say something! Let 'im gimme a sign. [looks up and puts a hand to his ear] Mechanic: Oh Lord, I'm here, and I'm listening! Helloooooo! A ha ha ha! [Veera and her daughter drive past in the rocket car, and the mechanic's gas station collapses]
[a hotel employee hands Nick Schaffer his bill] Nick Schaffer: What's this $110? Hotel Clerk: Those are your in-room movies. Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch any movies. Hotel Clerk: Okay, let's see... Afro Whores. Nick Schaffer: Afro Whores? Hotel Clerk: You watched it... let's see... uh, 11 times. Nick Schaffer: No, no, no... Hotel Clerk: Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4 o'clock. Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then switched back over to Afro Whores. Nick Schaffer: I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. You have to take that off my record. Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir. Nick Schaffer: It... It's a delete. Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it? Nick Schaffer: None! I didn't watch it! Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters... " Nick Schaffer: [screaming] I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it! I didn't. [hotel clerk raises her eyebrows]
[an airplane flies past the Cody brothers as they check their map] Duane Cody: Where the hell is the airport?
Kimberly Pear: [trying on sunglasses she found in Hitler's car] Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler!
Vera Baker: We're not crazy, lady! We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel. Merrill: Which is why we stole the rocket car.
Jason Pear: I can't believe it, Dad. You stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz. Randy Pear: Well, Hitler had it comin'. What goes around comes around. Kimberly Pear: Dad, they're gonna be pissed. Randy Pear: Eh, they're always pissed, Honey. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.
[after losing the heart] Enrico Pollini: I have lost my heart many times before. [laughs] Enrico Pollini: I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.
Randy Pear: Jason, where did you get that? Jason Pear: I found it under the seat. Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that. Jason Pear: Why not? Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica. Jason Pear: You're driving his car! Randy Pear: Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!
Enrico Pollini: Am I too late ? Look I won a coin, a gold coin! Oh, isn't this wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room? Randy Pear: Yes! We're in it!
Merrill: I think this is some kind of scam! Vera Baker: Oh good, a scam! We'll do it!
Gus the Cabbie: [listening to football on cab's radio] Confederate... confederate... THROW THE BALL! That's why you're not going to get drafted! You'll be lucky to play arena football in Barcelona! Gus the Cabbie: [to Owen] You like football? Owen Templeton: [nervously] Sure. Gus the Cabbie: Did you happen to catch that, uh, Dallas game last week? You can't really call it a game, it was more of an obscenity, a crime against football. I lost twenty grand on that game! And they would have won! Now I gotta work TWO shifts because of that idiot! I mean, Stevie Wonder coulda done a better job callin' that game.
Blaine Cody: Why don't 'oo [you] Blaine Cody: do it? Duane Cody: Because, Einstein, one of us has to be the victim, one of us has to be the witness. What kind of a witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying.
Donald Sinclair: Go!
Duane Cody: It's true, you could break your neck. But it's a risk I'm willing to take.
Enrico Pollini: I am getting goose pimples.
Enrico Pollini: Look! A drifter, let's kill him!
Tracy Faucet: So what's wrong with her? Nick Schaffer: Who? Tracy Faucet: Your sister. You said it was serious. Nick Schaffer: Oh yeah... shark bite. Tracy Faucet: Shark bite? Nick Schaffer: Yeah. Tracy Faucet: And they took her to Silver City? Nick Schaffer: Yeah, they have a really good shark attack unit there.
Gloria Allred: [after seeing Enrico getting hit by Zack's van] Stay right there! I saw the whole thing. I'll be right down. Zack Mallozzi: Oh shit! Gloria Allred.
[Bikers are hitting the car that Randy stole from the Barbie museum] Randy Pear: Are you insane? This is Hitler's car.
[repeated line] Enrico Pollini: It's a race!
[Last Line] Smash Mouth (Guitar: Let's hit the phones out there and crank it up, cause we are going to feed the whole world.
Donald Sinclair: Mr Grisham, tragically, was born without a personality.
The Squirrel Lady: They should have bought a squirrel.
Nick Schaffer: My grandfather used to say that good things take time, but great things happen all at once.
[after Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail] Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go? Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.
[Tracy catches her boyfriend in a swimming pool with another woman] Tracy Faucet: Did I come at a bad time, asshole?
Harold Grisham: Vicki, you let go of this bag! Or I swear - I swear to God - I'll report you to the escort service! Donald Sinclair: Uh, Mr. Grisham, what's going on? Harold Grisham: The hooker! The hooker! The hooker is taking the money! Donald Sinclair: What hooker? Harold Grisham: Vicki! From the hotel! High Roller: Pepto Bismol? Harold Grisham: Vicki, I told you to wait in the car! Donald Sinclair: What the hell is she doing there? Harold Grisham: I brought her! I'm sorry, Mr. Sinclair. She said she liked me, but I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!
[car crashes] Nick Schaffer: I think we just killed him. Tracy Faucet: You can't kill him, he's like a cockroach! Uh... uh oh... Nick Schaffer: No, no, no! No uh-oh! Fix the uh-oh! Ah! Should we be this low? [helicopter crashes] Tracy Faucet: We just violated about 115 federal laws. Nick Schaffer: WE? Tracy Faucet: I'm getting out of here. Are you coming? Nick Schaffer: No, no. I know things look bad but... [Tracy kisses Nick] Tracy Faucet: Nice meeting you! [Walks over to truck] Tracy Faucet: Get out of the truck, Shawn! Shawn Kent: That's it, Tracy, you and I are through! [Tracy punches Shawn] Nick Schaffer: Tracy! Wait! Tracy! [runs to truck and gets in] Nick Schaffer: This is the first illegal thing I've done in my adult life. Tracy Faucet: How does it feel? Nick Schaffer: I'm shaking. But that could be from the helicopter crash. Shawn Kent: Get out of my truck, Tracy! Tracy Faucet: It's my truck, Shawn, I paid for it! Shawn Kent: [looking at Nick] Who is this? Nick Schaffer: Oh, I'm nobody. Shawn Kent: Yeah, you are nobody. Nick Schaffer: Yeah... nobody. Shawn Kent: You stay away from her, nobody, unless you're tired of living!
Donald Sinclair: I can do anything I want, I'm eccentric. Aaarrrgh.
The Squirrel Lady: You girls wanna buy a squirrel? They make crackerjack pets!
[Talking about Sinclair and his idea for them competing in the "race"] Merrill: It's some sort of joke. It has to be. Duane Cody: What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million? Owen Templeton: Maybe it's a publicity stunt. Randy Pear: What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy. Vera Baker: Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt. Randy Pear: A *secret* publicity stunt?
Asian Lucy: [in Asian accent] He ruined our whole vacation!
Owen Templeton: I am not a bus driver! I do not work for the bus company! All right? I... I needed a ride to New Mexico, so I stole this uniform! See this jacket? This is not my jacket! Remember Marty, the bus driver? Huh? This is his shirt! I stole it! And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants? These aren't my pants! These are Marty's pants. I stole them. I am not a bus driver!
Vera Baker: [dizzy, to a nurse taking mental patients on a trip] We came in a rocket car.
[First Line] Nick Schaffer: Hi. I'm checking out 14322.
Duane Cody: What do you mean that's it? I'm not giving up! And neither are you! And neither am I!
Enrico Pollini: It's a race! Enrico Pollini: [sees the other contestants on the floor] I'm winning!
Rental Car Trainee: Would you be interested in purchasing liability insurance?
Randy Pear: I do not want to work at Home Depot!
Rental Car Trainee: We have a midsized Caprice. Vera Baker: What color is it? Merrill: It doesn't matter! We'll take it.
Duane Cody: I'm gonna get you, stupid hardware guy!
High Roller: [Watching Enrico Pollini sleeping in the main lobby] What is he doing? Donald Sinclair: Well, I think he's sleeping. High Roller: Sleeping? Donald Sinclair: Well, he must be narcoleptic. It's a rare sleeping disorder. High Roller: But I bet on him!
Enrico Pollini: Food. Look at all this food! [gasps] Enrico Pollini: Little Cock doggies! Merrill: They're called cocktail weenies. Enrico Pollini: Weenies! Ha! I'm so sorry. My English is not so good. But I'm learning!
Nick Schaffer: I think we just killed him! Tracy Faucet: You can't kill him, he's like a cockroach!
Tracy Faucet: [to Shawn] I'll ram this helicopter down your throat! Nick Schaffer: No! Woah! What are you doing? Tracy Faucet: Don't worry about me, my father's a Navy pilot! I've been flying since I was 15! Nick Schaffer: No, I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me!
[to the woman on the motorcycle driving next to him] Randy Pear: Hi, I really like your dike... Bike.
Donald Sinclair: I can do whatever I want. I'm eccentric. Grr!
Enrico Pollini: [Gets trown out of the train] Ah! Yes! Harold Grisham: Sir, it's Pollini, he's first at the station. Enrico Pollini: Am i winning? [Harold Grisham nods towarths the Locker] Donald Sinclair: [the high-rollers are cheering] I knew it! Harold Grisham: Sir, he is opening the locker right now. Donald Sinclair: [Long pause] Harold, what's going on? Harold Grisham: He's sleeping... Sir.
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