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Two slacker friends try to promote their public-access cable show.
Wayne Campbell: No Stairway. Denied!
Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show. Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor. Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast. Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right? Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad. Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache. Garth Algar: Here, take two of these! [Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand] Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different. Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice. Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.
[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky] Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about? Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French, she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her. Garth Algar: She's a babe. Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin, she would be called "babia majora". Garth Algar: If she were a president, she would be Baberham Lincoln. [a brief pause] Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny? Wayne Campbell: No. [cracks up laughing] Wayne Campbell: No. Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present? Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset. Stacy: Open it. Wayne Campbell: What is it? Stacy: It's a gun rack. Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack? Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me. Wayne Campbell: I lost you two months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!
Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne. Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago. Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it? Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.
Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often? Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans. Pete: In fact, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name? Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land." Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say, "It's OK, I don't mind, I don't mind"? Well, I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ. Cassandra: Is that true? Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"] Wayne Campbell: Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?
Wayne Campbell: [to an old man in the neighboring car at a red light] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.
Wayne Campbell: Or, imagine being magically whisked away to... Delaware. [pauses] Wayne Campbell: Hi. I'm in... Delaware.
[Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store] Guy: You are like... amazing... dude. Garth Algar: Thanks. I like to play.
Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder? Wayne Campbell: Hel-lo! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.
Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'? Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today? Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beetles. Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beetles? Are they any good? Tiny: They suck. Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.
[Talking about Claudia Schiffer] Wayne Campbell: She's a babe. Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious. Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter. Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.
Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl? Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
Garth Algar: [getting a suck-cut] Aaaahh! Turn it off man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat". Noah Vanderhoff: What? Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
Benjamin Kane: Russell's very excited you're coming down to the studio. Mrs. Vanderhoff: Oh, the studio. That's where the magic happens. Benjamin Kane: Oh, you've worked in television? Mrs. Vanderhoff: No, but I watch a lot of it. Benjamin Kane: Of course you do. You're creative. Noah Vanderhoff: She's the one who came up with the name "Noah's Arcade." Mrs. Vanderhoff: I just opened my mouth and out it came! [They all laugh] Benjamin Kane: You're a lucky man, Mr. Vanderhoff.
Alan: Do I frighten you? Mrs. Vanderhoff: No. Alan: Do you want me to?
[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop] Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem? T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
Garth Algar: OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satellite that's in a geosynchronous orbit over the Midwest. Then, I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then, I'll reposition the transmitter dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137, and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.
Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue. Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
[admiring a guitar in a music store] Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
Garth Algar: Hey Mr. Donut Man, who's trying to kill ya? I don't know but they better not!
[Holding Claudia Schiffer picture] Garth Algar: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it. Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's what she said.
Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darrin Stevenses, right? Dick York and Dick Sargent. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sargent, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.
Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne? Wayne Campbell: Yeah? Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us? Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
Wayne Campbell: Zang. ("excellent" in Cantonese)
[Wayne opens a door to show a bunch of spies in training] Garth Algar: What are you gonna do with these guys? Wayne Campbell: Oh, nothing really. I just always wanted to open a door to room where people are being trained like in James Bond movies.
Garth Algar: [reading Benjamin's planner aloud] "Daily reminder, Thursday: Purchase feeble public access cable show and exploit it." Gee, I feel sorry for whoever *that* is.
Garth Algar: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.
Garth Algar: [playing street hockey with Wayne and blocking a goal] Gretzky denied!
[after seeing Cassandra for the first time] Wayne Campbell: She will be mine. Oh, yes - she will be mine.
Wayne Campbell: [sees his car parked outside the house] Ahh... the Mirth-Mobile...
Garth Algar: That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.
Wayne Campbell: First he screws me, then he screws you. It's Dutch door action.
Wayne Campbell: Kiss your mother with that mouth? I'm gettin' outta here, Damien! Garth Algar: Fine then, go! Wayne Campbell: I'm gone! Garth Algar: Go then! Wayne Campbell: But I am! Garth Algar: Go! Wayne Campbell: I'm Gone! Garth Algar: Go then! Wayne Campbell: But I am!
Garth Algar: We fear change.
Wayne Campbell: No way! Garth Algar: Way!
Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before... Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French; it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white "champagne", even though by definition they're not. Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.
Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man. Wayne Campbell: Yeah, and I love you too, Terry. Terry: No, no, no. I mean it man. I LOVE you. Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you. Terry: No, you don't, man. I love you. Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you. Terry: I love you, man. Garth Algar: Thank you.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.
Wayne Campbell: Do you smell bacon, Garth? Garth Algar: I definitely smell a pork product of some kind.
Wayne Campbell: Wow! What a totally amazing, excellent discovery!
[Ron Paxton demonstrates his new invention, the "suck kut"] Ron Paxton: As you can see, it sucks as it cuts. Wayne Campbell: It certainly does suck.
Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
[last lines] Cassandra: I love you, Wayne. Wayne Campbell: I love you, Cassandra. Dreamwoman: I love you, Garth. Garth Algar: I love you, dreamwoman. Noah Vanderhoff: You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way. Terry: I love you, man. Russel: And I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men. Benjamin: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything. Wayne Campbell: Isn't it great that we're all better people? [beat] Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: FISHED IN!
Wayne Campbell: Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of jo-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Ok, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However, I do have a cable access show, and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do Wayne's World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
Garth Algar: Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them. They LOVE it.
Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star? Cassandra: Yeah. Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase? Cassandra: Yeah. Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase? Cassandra: Yeah. Wayne Campbell: Okay, party. Bonus.
Phil: [not remembering their trip to the Gasworks] Hey, did you guys go to the Gasworks on Friday night? Wayne Campbell: [Referring to him and Phil as well] Yeah, we were there. Phil: There was this band, 'Crucial Taunt'. They had this mega-babe for a lead singer, unreal. Wayne Campbell: Phil, we were there. Have you gone mental? Hello!
[Holds out a Dixie cup] Garth Algar: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.
Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place! Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy? Davy: Yeah, I got paid today. Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like. Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these. Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels. Davy: Know what I'd like to do? Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies. Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union. Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.
Stacy: Hi, Garth. Garth Algar: Hi. Stacy: I'm looking for Wayne. I'm very concerned about him; he seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, ya know. What do you think it is? Garth Algar: That you're mental. Stacy: You know him best, what do you think I should do? Garth Algar: Just get over it and go out with somebody else. Stacy: "Get over it go out with somebody else." Yeah, thanks, OK, great. Hi.
Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?
Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer? Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad. Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."
Benjamin: Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot? Russel: Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive. Benjamin: Oh really? Well I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract Russel: Oh. Well Wayne will understand that right away... NOT! [Ben glares at Russ] Russel: Excuse me!
Old Man Withers: And I would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you snoopin' kids!
Wayne Campbell: Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again. Garth Algar: What if he honks in the car? Wayne Campbell: I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.
Benjamin: First, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan. Garth Algar: You are? Benjamin: The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more. Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.
Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far? Garth Algar: [describing his feelings of the new set] It's like a new pair of underwear: At first, it's constrictive, but after awhile it becomes a part of you. [the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look]
Garth Algar: We're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird? Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!
Noah Vanderhoff: Come bust a move where the games are played, it's chill, it's fresh, it's Noah's Arcade.
[in a music store] Wayne Campbell: I know. I'll use the "May I help you?" riff. [strums guitar] Clerk: May I help you?
[enjoying a breathtaking view] Wayne Campbell: You know, Cassandra, from this height... you could really hock a loogie on someone.
Garth Algar: [to camera] Hey, why is this guy being so nice to us?
[first lines] [in bed, flipping through tv commercials] Elyse: It's really good seeing you, Benjamin. You haven't been into Shakey's for so long. Benjamin: Well, I've been real busy.
[to the camera] Wayne Campbell: What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off- [Camera pans away] Wayne Campbell: Wait, where are you goin'? OK, things aren't that great, but I'll get 'em back, OK?
Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food while speaking Cantonese] This guy is good. Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong. Cassandra: I was born in Kowloon Bay! Benjamin: There you have it! Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.
Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped. Wayne Campbell: Interesting. Where did you learn English? Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're not worthy! Garth Algar: We're scum! Wayne Campbell: We suck!
Wayne Campbell: [admiring Benjamin's apartment] Yep, this is definitely the kind of apartment I'll have if I ever move out of my parents' basement.
[after being stranded] Garth Algar: I'm having a good time... *not*!
Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents. Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp. You know what you can do with your pop quiz? Garth Algar: Well, you know what you can do with your show? You can take a flying... [a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says] Garth Algar: ...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again! Wayne Campbell: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
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