Improvisational comedy game show in which four players act out various comic games and sketches.

Ryan Stiles: Damn rolling black-outs!
[Wayne starts to roll on floor]
Ryan Stiles: No, not that kind.
Ryan Stiles: [songs of the motorcycle] Hi.
Colin Mochrie: Hi...
Ryan Stiles: How are you?
Colin Mochrie: Fine...
Ryan Stiles: We don't know what you're watching. So we're not going to tell you we're going to return you to it.
Colin Mochrie: Oh we... we're watching animal porn!
[realizes what said and covers his face briefly. Buzz]
Colin Mochrie: Mary Had a Little Lamb we'll be right back in just a second...
Audience members: [Buzz. the audience members, Drew Wayne and Jeff start to laugh. Close up on Colin]
Colin Mochrie: I'm sorry, I apologize.
Ryan Stiles: [laughing continues] So happy, "We're watching animal porn!"
Drew Carey: Famous movie roles as played by Carol Channing
Ryan Stiles: I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven shots or six? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this confusion, I forgotten myself. So you have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well do you, punk?
Robin Williams: Well surely you must be the son of God!
Ryan Stiles: I'm Spartacus!
Colin Mochrie: [Weird Newscasters] Today, well-known mob hitman Johnny Two-Shoes admitted that he was once hired to kill a cow in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines. Police reports indicate that this is the only known incident of a Knick-Knack Paddy Whack.
Colin Mochrie: [Scenes from a hat - discussions that ruin a dinner party] -So then my colon is lying on my chest. I wake up in the middle of the surgery, I acidentally swallow half of it! How did that happen, I'm wondering. Well then all of a sudden, that's when the laxative hits! So I'm LYING there, wondering how the heck am I gonna get out of this?...
[Ryan pulls him offstage]
Colin Mochrie: [Scenes from a hat - Ending a long term relationship in song] You are dead to me, nothing but scum. When I look in your eyes I get inflammation of the bum. You make me feel putrid, I hate the...
[He's lead away by Ryan]
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Bad causes to raise money for.
Ryan Stiles: Give Drew Carey a third show? Anyone?
Colin Mochrie: Bathe the whales!
[Film Noir]
Colin Mochrie: I let him think for a while 'cause I knew he had the answer. I knew it was a good answer, and he was going to tell it to me. 'Cause when you ask a question, you expect an answer. That's the way it works... question, answer, answer, question. If he gave the answer, I'd have to come up with the question. That would be Jeopardy. That's wrong.
Drew Carey: [setting up "Weird Newscasters"] Wayne, you're a redneck trying to hold on to his title at a greased pig competition. And Ryan...
Ryan Stiles: ...Please don't say I'm the greased pig!
Drew Carey: No, you're a first time mother going from conception to birth!
[Newsflash- Colin is reporting on bikini girls]
Colin Mochrie: [not aware that he's pointing between a woman's breasts] I'm going to stick my nose in there, and make sure I get every bit of it!
[audience laughs hysterically]
[after a dance with Richard Simmons]
Wayne Brady: I feel ten pounds lighter and just a little dirty.
[quick change]
Ryan Stiles: You see this badge? That means I'm the sheriff.
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: You see this thong?...
[bursts out laughing]
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: You see these sandals? That means someone stole my boots.
[Scenes from a hat]
Drew Carey: Okay. Let's start out with...
[pulls out paper]
Drew Carey: No... no.
[puts paper back and picks a new one]
Drew Carey: "Bad choices for pets."
Brad Sherwood: Here velocipraptor! Here velo-
[Colin comes and pretends to bite his neck]
Ryan Stiles: [whistles] Where's my little tapeworm? Huh?
Drew Carey: Okay.
[clears thraot]
Drew Carey: "Strange things to find in your bed."
Wayne Brady: Colin?
[Colin pops his head up]
Wayne Brady: Ahhhhhhh!
Colin Mochrie: Teach me how to sing like you!
Ryan Stiles: [Ryan pops his head up] What's his problem?
Colin Mochrie: I don't know!
Drew Carey: Oh, okay. Uh, "dangerous things to do while you are naked."
Brad Sherwood: Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbeque.
Colin Mochrie: [sighs] Okay.
[Colin starts to pretend to throw chain saws into the air and jugle them]
Ryan Stiles: 5 minutes, Mr. President.
Drew Carey: [laughs] Okay.
[reads card]
Drew Carey: Oh, boy. "Baby names that will someday get your child's ass kicked."
Ryan Stiles: Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry?
Colin Mochrie: Come here... Colin.
[Wayne and Brad pretend to go beat him up]
Drew Carey: Okay. "Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey."
Ryan Stiles: What kind of middle name is "Alison?"
Drew Carey: "Things you wished you hadn't said to the president."
Colin Mochrie: Sure, I'll be your intern.
Brad Sherwood: [acts like he's holding out a tray] Cigarette? Cigar? Anyone?
Ryan Stiles: [as if getting married] I do.
Drew Carey: Hey! Don't go away! There'll be lots of more Whose Line right after this!
Colin Mochrie: This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.
[laughter from Drew Carey]
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a Hat] Bad first lines of medical ads.
Colin Mochrie: Ever wonder how food becomes poo?
Greg Proops: Been decapitated recently?
[Newsflash- Colin is reporting on images of himself]
Colin Mochrie: [when asked how all this got started] This all started with a badly timed bald joke.
[audience laughs hysterically]
Drew Carey: Bad places to find advertising.
[Ryan pantomimes looking over Colin while he's peeing]
Drew Carey: Must not have had a lot to say...
[audience boos]
Drew Carey: I regret saying that, because the next card says "Little known, but amazing facts about Drew Carey".
Colin Mochrie: I have no sense of length.
Wayne Brady: When I'm with a woman, I go "Wooooooooo!"
Ryan Stiles: Did you know at first Drew Carey turned *down* the role of Geppetto?
Drew Carey: If celebrities had been the first people to walk on the moon.
Brad Sherwood: One small step for man, one giant leap for me, Brad Sherwood. How are ya?
Drew Carey: [as Brad sets off-stage] Sorry, I said... I said, "celebrities."
Brad Sherwood: Oh, I'm sorry.
[the audience groans, then he starts whining]
Brad Sherwood: That was mean!
Wayne Brady: [as Michael Jackson, moonwalking] Hooo!
Colin Mochrie: Where's my car?
Ryan Stiles: [as Carol Channing] Well this is dry and barren as I am.
Drew Carey: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.
[the audience applauds]
Drew Carey: I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it under Ryan's shoes!
Drew Carey: Naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the internet
Wayne Brady: Hi, I'm Bea Arthur!
Ryan Stiles: C-A-R-E-Y. Hmmm.
Ryan Stiles: [Pretends to click away from the website. He then throws the computer out the window]
Drew Carey: Careful what you wish for Buddy...
Greg Proops: [Hats, in a rabbit mask] I'm not into protection
Drew Carey: Say it again... I don't think they heard you.
Greg Proops: Oh, could no one hear me? Maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing.
[Game: Infomercial]
Ryan Stiles: Hey, what time is it?
Colin Mochrie: I believe it's 3 o'clock.
Ryan Stiles: And that means it's time to shop, shop, shop!
[He slaps the table. Colin hurts himself while slapping the table]
Ryan Stiles: Hello, everyone! I'm Jimmy!
Colin Mochrie: I'm... not.
Ryan Stiles: And it's time to shop, shop, shop! Hey, can some of you see us out there?
Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie: [move their arms up and down] Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
Ryan Stiles: How many of you are laying on the floor drunk right now?
Colin Mochrie: It is time to stop! You and your liver need some help!
Ryan Stiles: Give your liver a break! Liver let die!
[laughter from audience]
Ryan Stiles: I think a lot of people would stop drinking if they knew what they looked like when they were drunk.
Colin Mochrie: I think you're absolutely correct, Ryan!
Ryan Stiles: But it's not always easy to find a mirror when you're drunk. Sometimes it's impossible. But, that's why we have this handy little device.
[pulls out a balloon]
Ryan Stiles: You simply make a photo copy of your head... and paste it on this.
[holds it still]
Ryan Stiles: This is what you look like sober.
[knocks it to make it go back and forth]
Ryan Stiles: This is what you look like drunk.
Colin Mochrie: Which would you rather be?
Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie: Of course... of course, this is what you look like drunk in an earthquake.
[Holds balloon still again]
Ryan Stiles: [During "Press Conference", where Colin is Batman announcing he's coming out of the closet] How does the partner feel about this?
Colin Mochrie: Well, he is a little worried, since he relies on me for most of the income...
[as the audience starts laughing, Colin pauses]
Colin Mochrie: I'm not sure, I may want to rephrase that later.
[points at Brad, who has his hand up]
Colin Mochrie: Yes?
Brad Sherwood: You might want to rephrase that now.
Drew Carey: Now let's go on to a game called "African Chant". As we know, Africa's a big country...
[Greg starts laughing]
Greg Proops: Or a *continent*, if you're a geographer.
[Party quirks]
Greg Proops: No. No! I'm just saying no to rugs.
Greg Proops: Come on in, Wayne! How's it going, man? W-welcome to the party.
Wayne Brady: [as "Chicken With Attitude"] Hmph.
[walks in like a chicken and puffs up like saying "What you want"]
Greg Proops: Are you all right? You want some...
Wayne Brady: ["No. Leave me alone!" kind of movement]
Greg Proops: Y-you want some corn or chips or something?
Greg Proops: I'm gonna...
Wayne Brady: ["Answer the dang door!"]
Greg Proops: Woah, woah! I gotta get the door. Hello, Col. How are ya?
Colin Mochrie: [as "A Person Who's Auditioning for Every Part in a Slasher Film"] Here's my 8" by 10".
Greg Proops: Uh... all right? Great.
Colin Mochrie: All right? Here we go.
[clears throat]
Colin Mochrie: Okay.
[screams loudly]
Colin Mochrie: No, wait! I can do it better.
[screams louder on higher pitch]
Colin Mochrie: No. I think maybe this part.
[Covers hand over one eye and mimes stabbing someone while moaning]
Greg Proops: [doorbell] Oh.
[ducks under his arm]
Greg Proops: You have GOT to stop taking sudifed! Oh, hi Ryan! How are you?
Ryan Stiles: [as "Excited by Ugliness and Looking for the Perfect Specimen"] Great, how are you?
Greg Proops: Fine.
Ryan Stiles: Hey, thanks for inviting me. Can I meet your other guests?
Greg Proops: Sure, no problem.
[moves over to Wayne]
Greg Proops: This is a chicken. A funky chicken? No, he's not a chicken. A music chicken? He's a funky chicken? He's a chicken who thinks he's a rooster?
Drew Carey: He's a chicken with an ATTITUDE.
Greg Proops: Chicken with an attitude?
Greg Proops: Ryan, have you met Colin. He's audtioning for a horror movie.
Drew Carey: Every part in a horror movie.
Greg Proops: [talking while Ryan, who's excited by ugliness in this role, is gazing at Drew Carey with facsination] Listen... can I get you something? A glass of water or punch or something? Would you like a glass of punch or something?
Ryan Stiles: Sure, Ryan.
[pretends to spill invisible glass]
Ryan Stiles: Oops. I dropped it all over myself.
[bends down to show Drew his butt]
Ryan Stiles: I believe I haven't met your other friend.
Greg Proops: Oh, well this is Drew. He sits behind a desk and makes a lot more than us!
[laughter from the audience]
Greg Proops: Hey, Drew. Have you met Ryan? He's trying to... seduce everyone he meets!
Drew Carey: No.
Greg Proops: He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? No? He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? He's a guy who's imagined that...
Drew Carey: [interrupting] Well, here he says that he's excited by UGLINESS!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Baby Drew's first words.
Colin Mochrie: Colin's Bald!
Wayne Brady: Hey Nurse, come on!
Ryan Stiles: Pizza!
Brad Sherwood: Show me them boobs! Come on!
Drew Carey: [Foreign Film Dub in Unkranian, starts hysterically laughing, then speaks mock Ukrainian]
Ryan Stiles: Hahahahahahaha! Oh, I was just laughing at an old joke I learned. Two perrogies walk into a bar.
Kathryn Greenwood: [Speaks mock Ukrainian]
Colin Mochrie: Go on.
Drew Carey: [Speaks mock Ukrainian, then stops and, in plain english] Complimentary.
Ryan Stiles: The nuts go over to the perrogies and say "Hey, you look great, have you lost weight?" and the perrogie says "What's with the nuts?" and the bartender says "They're complimentary".
[scenes from a hat: What Drew Carey whispers in his date's ear]
Chip Esten: What's your name again?
Ryan Stiles: Keep the change.
Drew Carey: [after the guys were impersonating Scotsmen] Thousand points to Colin for sounding like the guy from Chicken Run.
Ryan Stiles: [during "Greatest Hits: Songs of College"] What comes to mind when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?
Colin Mochrie: Oh, tapioca!
[the audience laughs]
Ryan Stiles: [surprised] Really? Why's that?
Colin Mochrie: Wasn't that his big song?
[impersonating Ricky Ricardo]
Colin Mochrie: "Tapiooooooca! Tapiooooooca!"
Ryan Stiles: [starting to laugh] No, Colin...
[starts laughing more]
Ryan Stiles: I'm talking about Cu...
[starts laughing uncontrollably as the audience starts laughing too]
Ryan Stiles: I'm talking about Cuba, Colin...
[he turns away as he starts laughing again]
Colin Mochrie: Cuba. It's a small island.
Ryan Stiles: It is!
[still laughing hard]
Ryan Stiles: Why don't you tell the people about it?...
Colin Mochrie: Actually, we're just going to move away from Cuba for just a sec, and go to another island, an island where some of my favorite music is found-Scaa!
Ryan Stiles: Like a bunch of crows! "Scaa!"
Colin Mochrie: TAPIOCA!
Colin Mochrie: Anyway they did a great college hit- "Ra, ra, ra- Scaa ra, ra!"
Colin Mochrie: [Greatest Hits] Y'now one time I saw a strong man bend a car at a circus-waitaminute! Bend a car! PAT BENATAR!
Ryan Stiles: Okay, you've proved your point!
Colin Mochrie: You're not the only master of segues!
Drew Carey: Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot line of a porno film. They just don't matter.
Ryan Stiles: [after licking Colin's ear, Ryan ate a handful of Altoids] My mouth's on fire. I put about 30 of them in.
Drew Carey: You know, these mints are curiously strong when you pop all of them in your mouth at once.
Ryan Stiles: Wow.
Wayne Brady: He's gonna have great breath for, like, 20 years.
Brad Sherwood: Finally.
Drew Carey: [Ryan spat out the Altoids] Now the poor stage guy's gotta pick them all up...
Drew Carey: I'd like to give a plug for Ryan's new show. It's a combination of "What's Happening," "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper," "The Outer Limits" and "The PJs." It's called "What's that Hangin' Out of Your PJs?"
Ryan Stiles: Watch for it.
[Ryan accidentally rammed his head into a light fixture]
Drew Carey: Hey, Ryan, how many fingers am I holding up?
[Holds up fingers and constantly moves them]
Ryan Stiles: Uhh, 4? How about me?
[gives Drew the finger]
Drew Carey: The points don't matter. Just like a comb to Colin Mochrie, it just doesn't matter.
Colin Mochrie: Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm Thor, but not complaining.
[interviewing Santa]
Brad Sherwood: What about all of you animal friends?
Colin Mochrie: Animal friends are just there to be animal friends, if they can't handle being a carpet.
[the audience gasps]
Colin Mochrie: I may have said too much.
Drew Carey: If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.
Ryan Stiles: Where did all the toilet paper gooo?
Kathryn Greenwood: I love you sooooo much- oops I farted!
Colin Mochrie: Hey! That's me with the booger in my nose! Booger in my nose!
Wayne Brady: We made love at 5:06. I was done by 5:07!
Colin Mochrie: Hey I didn't mean to cook your dog! But hey, those things just happen! My was just standin' there, and his little toes they started tapping! So I cut his throat, let go kick a goat, and then I put him on the barbeque!
[Ryan pulls him offstage, end of game]
Drew Carey: And I put him on the barbecue!
Drew Carey: Occupations where breaking into song is discouraged.
Ryan Stiles: [pantomimes putting Colin into the electric chair] We're... gonna... Fry you this morning, fry you this morning!
Wayne Brady: [goes up with Jeff] I'm sorry, but your husband... Isn't gonna make it isn't gonna make it, no, ain't gonna make it, isn't gonna make it...
Jeff Bryan Davis: [continuing] Isn't gonna make it!
Colin Mochrie: [mimes trapping himself in a box] I'm a MIME!
Wayne Brady: Thank you for saving my husband.
Ryan Stiles: Oh... you two are married?
Colin Mochrie: It's nothing permanent.
[Scenes Cut from a Movie - Braveheart]
Brad Sherwood: All right men, we're going into battle tomorrow! Before we do, I think we shall all take a shower!
Colin Mochrie: Ehh, I don't want my freedom.
Ryan Stiles: [Body odor Hoedown] Anybody wanna have- wanna have a- go to the bathroom, come back in...
[Sits down on the step]
Chip Esten: [Starts Yodeling]
Ryan Stiles: I'm faced out. I can't do shit.
Drew Carey: I've got one.
Ryan Stiles: Why don't you come over here and do one.
Drew Carey: [singing through Ryan] I went on a date last night, it didn't really end well. She said she wouldn't kiss me cause I had a weird smell. I said come on baby, why don't you have a heart, sure I may have B.O. but at least I didn't fart!
Ryan Stiles: [Narrate-Barbershop-about Colin] I knew he wasn't here for a haircut. Though, if he was, it wasn't going to take that long.
[Film Noir game, set in gas station]
Colin Mochrie: [voiceover] He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin. It had taken me eight years to track him down to this gas station.
Colin Mochrie: Jed? It's me, Phil.
Ryan Stiles: [speaking] I recognize the voice.
Ryan Stiles: As I was looking right up his dress, I knew who it was.
[gets up, speaking]
Ryan Stiles: Long time, no see.
Colin Mochrie: [voiceover] Yeah. Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead.
Ryan Stiles: [speaking] What brings you by?
Colin Mochrie: [speaking] I came by for my part of the inheritance. Nice gas station you opened up.
Ryan Stiles: [speaking] Thanks.
Ryan Stiles: Apparently he'd forgotten why he was kicked out of town in the first place. The sheriff caught him giving his wife a lube job in late November. I wasn't going to bring it up again, I knew it was a touchy subject for him.
Ryan Stiles: Haven't seen you since the lube job.
Colin Mochrie: [speaking] Hey! Come on! What the hell? Never mention that again!
Wayne Brady: [as the Mission:Impossible informant] As usual, if you or any of your team are caught or killed we will disavow any knowledge and laugh atcha'ass.
Drew Carey: Christmas is a holiday that I really hate / There are just too many things that I can't relate / So every December twenty fifth I just kick off my shoes / And go down to the deli to hang out with the Jews
Drew Carey: Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway, where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like everything else when you own a Porsche.
Ryan Stiles: None of us would know, Drew...
Drew Carey: Colin, Colin, another hundred dollars for you, buddy.
[Drew and Colin kiss]
Ryan Stiles: That's just dirty money now.
Drew Carey: How bad you want it, Mochrie? Come on, get your dirty money.
Wayne Brady: He kissed really nice... For a dude.
Ryan Stiles: I don't think the tongue was necessary, but I think...
Wayne Brady: [singing] I'm in love with a Canadian man...
Drew Carey: Just when you thought "Will & Grace" was the gayest show on TV, along comes "Whose Line Is It Anyway".
Ryan Stiles: Hey, uh...
[Wayne, Colin, and Ryan indicate wedding rings, Drew and Jeff are unmarried]
Jeff Bryan Davis: [kisses Colin and grins innocently]
[after being kissed by Ryan]
Colin Mochrie: I can't wait to get home to my wife.
[World's Worst Neighbor]
Ryan Stiles: Excuse me, I'm tapped into your cable. Would you mind changing it to channel 8?
Colin Mochrie: To quote Rodgers and Hammerstein, "The hills are alive with the sounds of crap".
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like when I say 'I love you' when I'm drunk.
Wayne Brady: No!
Wayne Brady: [Scenes from a hat- What George Bush really thinks about during cabinet meetings] So *that's* where poo comes from!
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the nutrition facts on a Happy Meal.
Ryan Stiles: I wanna make a call, so I'll have to use a life line! I wanna call the mother of my baby, my sister Alicia. Are ya' there baby?
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah, I'm here, y'know I was just about to call you, my frilly underwear's missin' again!
Ryan Stiles: Well, I ain't wearin' it!
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah, like hell y'ain't wearin' it! What d'ya want?
Ryan Stiles: [in Southern accent] Is it A, C, D, or D?
Colin Mochrie: No, you stupid
[imitates bleeping sound]
Colin Mochrie: , it's A, B, C, or D!
Kathryn Greenwood: Well, I don't know which of them numbers it is, I'd say "C"!
Ryan Stiles: Is that yer favorite number?
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah, baby, C's an all right number!
[Quick Change]
Ryan Stiles: [discussing a map] Well, it - it's - it's full of flaws. Look, this - this army's attacking Hawaii!
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: Why - why the Salvation Army's attacking the restaurant here!
Wayne Brady: Change.
Ryan Stiles: Why uh... this is me, going after Richard Simmons!
[during Hollywood Director game]
Colin Mochrie: I think it was Tennessee Williams who said, Y'all are crap.
Colin Mochrie: [Weird Newscasters] Today, legendary human cannonball, the great Zambonee, who was famous for bringing his pet donkey to each of his performances, escaped tragedy today when, just as he was about to be launched, his pet donkey walked in front of the cannon. It took paramedics three hours to remove Zambonee's head from his ass. Both are resting comfortably.
[answering for Newsflash game]
Colin Mochrie: I hope it's me with my clothes on.
[Hollywood Director]
Colin Mochrie: You notice why the floor's clean? It's because you all suck.
Drew Carey: Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air mattress.
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.
Drew Carey: If entertainers worked funerals.
Wayne Brady: Please gather around the body. Whooof!
[pantomimes removing the blanket]
Wayne Brady: He's not there anymore! Huh? Thank you!
[takes a bow]
Robin Williams: Is this the loved one? Alright start the truck Johnny! WOW, LOOK AT HIM MOVE! Isn't that incredible, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again!
Ryan Stiles: [Pantomimes opening the dead person's mouth and sticks his head in like a lion tamer in a circus act]
Colin Mochrie: [Pantomimes twirling the body like a balloon person] A dog!
Ryan Stiles: [Picks up body and holds it like a dummy] Well, Harry and I would like to thank you all for coming by, wouldn't we Harry?...
Colin Mochrie: [as a pregnant mother in Quick Change] Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Wayne Brady: Change.
Colin Mochrie: Oklahoma!
[after a particularly physical game]
Colin Mochrie: I'm fine, Drew, I seem to have lost my battery pack somewhere in the area of my buttocks. It's okay, my pack is halfway up my ass...
[foreign film dub]
Drew Carey: [speaks mock Swedish]
Ryan Stiles: [translating] I love you, but I've had too many meatballs!
Drew Carey: [scenes from a hat] Difficult questions for mommy to answer.
Wayne Brady: Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "Friends"?
Colin Mochrie: Mommy, how come no one looks like *me* on "Friends"?
Drew Carey: If you weren't listening, I said difficult questions!
Colin Mochrie: I'm adorable.
Richard Simmons: [during a game of Living Scenery] I'll be all the props for these men!
Colin Mochrie: [Drew and Ryan are fighting] Hey come on, make fun of the bald guy!
[audience laughs]
Colin Mochrie: I'll be your lighting rod of hate!
Ryan Stiles: I don't like the Village People, think they're kinda rude. / Don't you know their lyrics can be kinda crude. / When it's on my stereo I always hit the mute, / But I'll have to admit, the Indian's kind of cute.
Ryan Stiles: [to Colin Mochrie] Watch the Drew Carey Show Wednesdays at 9. Wait... there's more. Give the tall guy more lines.
Greg Proops: [holding Drew like an award] I'd like to thank the academy for giving me the Drew Carey award. It feels so great that only one person with funky glasses can get this award each year. I feel I'm the king of the... General Area!
[suddenly, Drew falls off the World's Worst Step!]
Chip Esten: [Hoedown - Men] Men can be quite mean / Men can be quite bad / I'll bet you had a boyfriend / I'll bet he was a cad / I don't really like men myself / That I can tell / But my friend Ryan? / Well he thinks they're swell.
Drew Carey: Gifts the three wise men considered
Wayne Brady: Mary, I give to you, a Playstation 2 for the child.
Kathryn Greenwood: It's a Chia Pet!
Ryan Stiles: [to Colin] You can't give them a pork roast!
Colin Mochrie: Water Skis.
Wayne Brady: With these modivational tapes by Jack Robbins, your child will soar...
Ryan Stiles: They call it... a thong.
Ryan Stiles: I'd like to give you the weather for the next 50 years. Sun in L.A., rain in Seattle.
[Scenes from a Hat: What "Whose Line" Cast Members Wish for, when blowing out their "B"-Day Candles]
Wayne Brady: [Blows] No more Hoedowns.
Colin Mochrie: [Blows] Let me play a Man in a scene.
Ryan Stiles: [Blows] Please, don't have Drew make me go under that desk again.
Drew Carey: Young man, I'll see you at my desk.
Brad Sherwood: [during Song Styles; serenading a lightbulb salesgirl in the form of a Jewish wedding] You are so effervescent, Your lightbulb is fluorescent, And I am out of rhymes!
Drew Carey: Two thousand points to Kathy Greenwood for kissing Ryan.
Kathryn Greenwood: Yeah!
Colin Mochrie: I never get two thousand points for kissing him.
Drew Carey: That's 'cause you like to kiss him.
Ryan Stiles: It's got to be on the show!
[Colin nods knowingly]
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a hat] Worlds worst subject for an interpretive dance.
Ryan Stiles: [Makes wave movements with arms] Diarrhea, flows like a river.
Robin Williams: [crouches down] Impotence is a horrifying thing!
[Wayne comes in and straightens Robin up. They later hop back to their spots]
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like good fashion sense to Greg and Ryan.
Drew Carey: [Chip just jumped on Ryan's back] How's your back, really?
Ryan Stiles: Fine.
Ryan Stiles: Yeah, cause I saw you going
Drew Carey: [Mouths words as though he's in pain]
Ryan Stiles: No actually I was saying "Get the fuck off! Get the fuck off!' I don't know if we can air that but that's what I said.
Ryan Stiles: [Drew just fell off the World's Worst step] Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and I'm going to teach you how to walk backwards. First you...
Drew Carey: [after the Satan and the Schoolgirl Title Sequence] I smell a spinoff...
Drew Carey: [after a fight with Ryan Stiles] We're gonna miss you Lewis!
Colin Mochrie: You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.
[Film Noir - Hardware Store]
Colin Mochrie: I need a hammer.
Ryan Stiles: I knew he needed a hammer. He also needed a couple of nails and a good screw.
Drew Carey: "Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'".
Ryan Stiles: Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?
Brad Sherwood: Do you smell bacon?
Colin Mochrie: Alright, now bend over and sneeze
Ryan Stiles: Now, here's how you throw a curve.
Brad Sherwood: Maybe I should turn up the heat in here...
Wayne Brady: [Makes a clacking noise]
Colin Mochrie: Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off.
Colin Mochrie: [goes back up] Oh, those frustrating Gerbil Skins...
[playing scenes from a hat]
Drew Carey: Trying to look cool while doing uncool things.
[Wayne walks out and imitates pressing the buzzer]
Colin Mochrie: Get out of town and take a bus!
Drew Carey: "Alternate endings to famous movies."
Colin Mochrie: Rosebud's the sled.
[during press conference - Colin is Santa going on retirement]
Brad Sherwood: What about all the people you'll disappoint?
Colin Mochrie: Screw them.
Drew Carey: Ryan, you are looking for a virgin to sacrifice to appease the gods. If you come near me, I'll kill you.
Ryan Stiles: [Song Titles] What's New, Pussycat?
Colin Mochrie: [Whispering] When you Wish Upon a Star
Ryan Stiles: [Points down] Blue Suede Shoes
Colin Mochrie: Nice pants.
Wayne Brady: [Song Styles - singing a song in the style of a boy band to special guest Miss America] Hey, Miss America, what's up? I'm T.K.
[moves over]
Wayne Brady: I'm B.J.
[moves over again]
Wayne Brady: I'm J.J.
[moves over again]
Wayne Brady: And I'm O.K.
Drew Carey: [to Ryan] That was Ringling Bros. they want their shoes back.
Ryan Stiles: [after being told by the censor that they couldn't make fun of Hitler, the cast do a hoedown about directors] Our director, he really is the boss / For yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss. / He's the meanest guy that you will ever see / He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany.
Colin Mochrie: I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage, and you're crap!"
[playing World's worst TV programs]
Greg Proops: Hi, I'm bill from the NRA, and it's gun safety wee...
[imitates getting shot]
[after Chip ripped on him in a drinking hoedown]
Colin Mochrie: My mother drinks a lot, I know that isn't strange/But her behavior gets very strange./She acts like she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus./Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis.
[after Colin's quirk of trying to figure out who's really a man and who's really a woman]
Drew Carey: [pulls out a can of Oust for Colin] Would you like some disinfectant for your hands?
Wayne Brady: [acting as a little boy, to Kathy] Mommy, will you show me tapes of when you used to do Whose Line?
Kathryn Greenwood: [giggles and makes gestures of using a VCR remote] ... well darling...
Drew Carey: That was amazing, Colin Mochrie!
[audience cheers and applause]
Ryan Stiles: [calling off-stage] Keith, I'm going to need two minutes.
[everyone laughs]
Ryan Stiles: And I *mean* "two minutes"!
Drew Carey: That was unbelievable!
Wayne Brady: Let's hear it for Colin Mochrie!
[starts a huge round of applause, then turns to Drew]
Wayne Brady: He's *so* gentle too!
Colin Mochrie: [embarrassed] Yeah.
Drew Carey: So 1000 points to everybody *but* Colin, because I was sitting the entire time... waiting for you to come over...
Colin Mochrie: ...oh, there's no doubt about you, my friend!
Drew Carey: [chuckles] Yep, I'm *all* man!
Drew Carey: [Scenes from a Hat] Heh heh. Th-things bald men are sick of hearing.
Wayne Brady: [Goes up as does Colin. He folds his arms then Wayne hugs him. Colin walks off but Wayne motions him back on stage] We need your head to bounce a laser of off to communicate with the satellite!
Ryan Stiles: [Colin walks back but Ryan pushes him back on stage. He bends Colin's head down] You're my only friend on this island.
Wayne Brady: [He motions Colin back on stage] No, I just had one! I don't wanna say anymore.
Colin Mochrie: No, go on, it's comedy!
Wayne Brady: Okay! Will Johnny take me to the prom?
[Shakes Colin's head like a magic 8 ball]
Drew Carey: I'll stop it now for you.
Colin Mochrie: Oh, thanks! Just in time.
Drew Carey: I was just - suggestion there you know...
Drew Carey: Yeah, stop at 10 I say!
Drew Carey: It's not me.
Colin Mochrie: [during 'Narrate'] He had a face only a mother could love... if she was blind in one eye and had that sorta milky film over the other. But still, he was my identical twin brother.
Colin Mochrie: [playing impossible mission] I thought we were out of the spy buisiness?
Ryan Stiles: We're never out of the spy buisiness, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.
Greg Proops: How would you like to make money in Real Estate?
[Ryan fast forewards]
Greg Proops: Good morning, gentlemen.
Colin Mochrie: Good morning.
Greg Proops: How are you today?
Colin Mochrie: Fine.
Ryan Stiles: How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan Stiles: It's cleared up.
Greg Proops: Well all right then...
Colin Mochrie: Like what am I, nothing?
Greg Proops: I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...
[Colin fast forewards]
Greg Proops: Today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Meer of Grufunkastan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your mission is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it nevermind, and clean a new bernoose for the Meer of Grufunkastan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...
[Ryan throws it out the window]
Greg Proops: BOOM!
Ryan Stiles: Thank God we picked window!
Colin Mochrie: Yes. Well, we've got a mission lets get to it.
[dramatic music]
Ryan Stiles: I can't remember where the hotel is you got your Thomas Guide? E5 it's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin Mochrie: Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan Stiles: Wait a minute we're at E4 already.
Colin Mochrie: Quick, E5.
Ryan Stiles: I didn't know we lived so close to the hotel.
Colin Mochrie: No kidding, we only look out the windows to throw burning tapes.
Wayne Brady: Order Colin Mochrie's guide to dialect in other countries now! You get French-"Helloo!", Spanish-"Helloo!", Indonesian-"HELLOO!"
Colin Mochrie: The Wayne Brady surfboard with a bump big enough to sit on!
[Repeated line]
Colin Mochrie: Meeeooooow!
Drew Carey: Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like Canada.
[while playing questions only, after Colin says he's Canadian]
Ryan Stiles: Have you ever heard of a place called Moosejaw, Saskatchewan?
Colin Mochrie: Isn't that right beside Left... Noob?
Colin Mochrie: The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming!
Colin Mochrie: But when you cut off a guys dead, roll up his body in a rug, and burn it... you better make sure he's dead!
[Scenes From a Hat - "What George W. Bush is really thinking during Cabinet meetings"]
[Wayne steps out, and stares around, signifying nothing; buzzer]
Greg Proops: What's the "W" stand for, anyway? Whatever...
Colin Mochrie: There isn't even a cabinet in here.
Wayne Brady: [Referring to an earlier joke] That's where poo comes from!
Greg Proops: [Improbable Mission] This message will self-destruct... now - BOOM!
Colin Mochrie: [Playing the cranky old people version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?] Here's your first question. Viagra...
Ryan Stiles: Oh! I spent my honeymoon there.
Colin Mochrie: Well there goes the first question.
[Hoedown - Scary Wives]
Wayne Brady: Oh I got married about a year ago. I'm as happy as can be, I think you all should know. But my wife, I'm glad I did marry. Except in the morning, she looks like Drew Carey.
Drew Carey: Well, Wayne gets worried about his little wife, cause she is the love of his life. But every night, just about three, Oh, Wayne, She's out with me.
[Wayne's mouth drops, and then they dance]
Drew Carey: [giving hints to Greg that the answer for Colin's "party quirk" includes gravity] What holds you to the Earth?
Greg Proops: Why, my love for you, Drew.
[interviewing Santa]
Ryan Stiles: And where are you going to go after all of this is over?
Colin Mochrie: I'm thinking Mexico because I... like it there.
Drew Carey: [scenes from a hat] Things you do not want to hear your grandmother singing about.
Wayne Brady: [singing] Grandma likes to get freaky in the mornin', freaky at night! Freaky on the left...
Greg Proops: [singing] Grandpa doesn't touch me anymore!
Ryan Stiles: [singing] Oh, I put rat poison in the Christmas dinner.
[buzzer; extreme laughter from Wayne]
Ryan Stiles: [goes back up] I like to be on top!
Colin Mochrie: One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff is the stuff that I really, really love.
Ryan Stiles: It was good stuff!
Colin Mochrie: Let's not say "stuff" anymore.
Ryan Stiles: Okay!
Ryan Stiles: [During "Dating Service Video", wearing a hat with a turkey on it] This year, I do all the stuffing.
Ryan Stiles: And we have put together a lot of great songs about retirement, 43 songs on one CD. But it's a big one.
[Spreads hands apart]
Ryan Stiles: And it's made out of chocolate.
[Colin gives him a confused look]
Ryan Stiles: I had a little something to drink earlier.
Colin Mochrie: Yeah.
Colin Mochrie: The Beatles! Rolling Stones! Barbra Streisand! Bruce Springsteen! These are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
[after singing a song as a strip-o-gram]
Wayne Brady: I feel so dirty!
Drew Carey: The points are like Keith Richards to a vampire.
Drew Carey: [playing "Scenes From A Hat"] Strange items to ask a neighbor to borrow.
Kathy Griffin: Suzanne, I need to borrow your husband!
Colin Mochrie: Hi, I need some monkey testicles and a cola.
Greg Proops: [playing Bad Dating Service Videos] I have a fish head on. I'm fucking 42 years old.
Drew Carey: I love the Village People, they give me confidence / Even though I'm not too bright, I am rather dense / I have a fat, white body, and I don't have a tan / But when I put on leather pants, I am a Macho Man.
Ryan Stiles: [Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission] We're gonna need some type of detergent.
Colin Mochrie: Detergent, Detergent... the cat! No that's no good!
Ryan Stiles: Wait a minute, bars of soap there's nothing but bars of soap. But where gonna have to agitate it in some way.
Colin Mochrie: [Colin gets in the tub] Give me the beans.
Ryan Stiles: It's working! It's clean!
Colin Mochrie: It's taking to long! The Snackipark of Imar will be hear.
Ryan Stiles: We've gotta dry it ourselves... what?
[Ryan begins hysterically laughing]
Colin Mochrie: The cat!
Ryan Stiles: The cat, stop it with the cat...
[Ryan is hysterically laughing again]
Colin Mochrie: It's clean. Bring me some fabric softener.
Ryan Stiles: [through laughing fits] Fabric softener?
Colin Mochrie: Well, you can't have static cling. The burnoose will stick to it's thing! The cat!
[Ryan's laughing hysterically]
Colin Mochrie: Is anyone coming?
Ryan Stiles: [laughing] No.
Colin Mochrie: It's perfect, it's perfect
Ryan Stiles: Good!
Colin Mochrie: You better model it!
Ryan Stiles: Oh, it fell in the water again! The cat!
Colin Mochrie: The cat's wet now!
Colin Mochrie: Wait, give me a match!
[lights the burnoose on fire]
Colin Mochrie: Oh, man!
Colin Mochrie: It's ok I have an extra burnoose!
Ryan Stiles: [buzzer] I can't stop laughing!
Drew Carey: So if you want to be on "Whose Line it is Anyway?" send a naked Polaroid of yourself to the care of 'Whose Line' Po Box: 175.
Chip Esten: That's how I got on.
[after the "Howard" Village People song malfunctions and goes insanely fast]
Greg Proops: [to Wayne] Watch out for those tempo changes, man... 'Cause when we go into the second bridge, this shit takes off.
Colin Mochrie: [repeated Line] THE CAT!
Ryan Stiles: Hey, Col.
Colin Mochrie: Yeah, Ry?
Ryan Stiles: Here's a little riddle for you.
Colin Mochrie: All right.
Ryan Stiles: What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?
Colin Mochrie: Oh, I guess... a... tern? An arctic tern?
Ryan Stiles: And what sound does an arctic tern make?
Colin Mochrie: [in a high pitched voice] Backstreet Boys?
Ryan Stiles: [laughing hysterically] No, Colin! That's wrong!
Colin Mochrie: Why don't you tell us what's right?
Ryan Stiles: I was thinking of an owl, that goes Hoo, Hoo! The Who is the next band on our CD set...
[cracks up again]